The fear

My greatest fear is that I'll never break free of the same bullshit.

That I'll be stuck in my same self-sabotaging habits that prevent me from accomplishing anything of worth.

Academically, I know that my habits are my habits because they work for and I benefit from them.

I'm worried because I'm not getting excited about goals in my life.

Really the only time I get excited is when I look in baby's face.

But it seems I've repressed all desire.

Great way to avoid pain but unfortunately also a great way to avoid pleasure.

I seek a hire mode of functioning. A solution to this emotional rubix cube.

Fuuuuuuck!!!!

I'm almost 30. I've achieved little of what I've set out to as a youth. I have no million dollars. I have no answers to the secrets of life. I do have my dream girl... kinda. Often times I feel a little dissapointed in what I haven't done.

I haven't sold a million albums. I haven't sold one. I'm afraid to.

I don't want the rejection. The thought of it hurts too much to push forward.

I know it's all bullshit (academically, at least) but it feels so real.

I know I'm wining right now but damn it!!! It feels good to wine sometime.

Being an adult is NOT as cool as I'd thought'd be as a kid.

It fucking sucks... well...sometimes.

The cost of freedom apparently IS responsiblity. Who knew Dear Ol' Dad was right.

But fuck...sometimes it's sooooo hard.

I know it could be a looooott worse.

It could be much worse. It could be life sans dream girl

but the truth about life lately is sometimes I'm just not enjoying it.

It seems there are less and less fun days.

Does growing up mean saying goodbye to the fun days? (Fuck that Shit)

If so, I can see why I held out why I held it off for so long.

But if I look closely I know that even the fun days weren't so fun.

The craziest thing is that I am a much happier and healthier person than I was before.

I'm in the great fuckin shape. I'm smarter, more honest, wiser, more patient, more confident, stronger, smoother, sexier than I've ever been. Through my persistence I have made myself a much better man.

Hell, the fact that I even consider myself a man at all is a huge fuckin' accomplishment.

I've grown a looooot but I'm still disappointed by the lack of fruit I've produced. I have no Mona Lisa, I have no Schroedinger's Cat.

All I am is the poorly applied advice of great men and a collection of intersesting facts.

And even as I write this is still impressed by my own brilliance.

Because the fact is My biggest pain is that I feel like I'm the shit and I'm afraid that you won't agree. It breaks my heart when you don't.

So instead of opening my heart and my world to you, I close myself off to avoid the pain, perceived though it may be.

But closing yourself off to pain means closing yourself off to pleasure too.

And the fun days can only be felt with the open heart.

So If there is a GOD out there here now my only prayer.

Father, Give me the strength to endure whatever pain I can with an open heart. If the pain must come then let me embrace it's painful spikes with an open heart.

Because if the price is not feeling the fun days, I'm not willing to pay that cost.

Kids Teaching Kids

In the latest chapter of my own personal Oddesey, I am employed as a middle school math teacher. My entire family is very excited about this. Mom, especially. At some point, just about everyone in my family has been a teacher in some capacity and well I guess the proverbial apple doesn't fall far from the proverbial tree or orchard for that matter.

So, How do I feel?

Honestly, I love it. I really get off on it for some reason. Today, I taught my students about Venn Diagrams http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venn_diagrams using the collective works of Li'l Wayne, Baby and Mannie Fresh as my sets http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cash_Money_Records.

The getting up part is still kinda wierd though being that I haven't worked a job in about 9 months and the schedule I kept before I usually got up about 10am and went to bed about 3am. Needless to say this whole 6am thing has been kickin my ass.

The other strange thing is being a disciplinarian. I'm used to breakiing the rules not enforcing them. It's almost some sort of strange episode of Quantum Leap to be confronted with my own pateneted passive-aggressive class clown behavior. I don't know how to respond to it. My parents would beat me but obviously I can't beat the kids nor do I think I'd want to.

Did I mention that there a shit load of hot teachers that work here and I think the spanish teacher has a crush on me? Muy interesante y si ella no tenga cuidado ella va a tomarlo.

All in all it's an exciting new step in the series of reactions whose product is the man called Allan R. Smith.

Wisdom for Right Now

We have all the faith we need to do whatever we want to do. It's up to us to put it in the right place.

The Laws of Total Dominion

So, over the next few entries I will be breaking down the Laws of Total Dominion. For the uninitiated, These are a series of 4 laws that I quantified which totally eliminate woman problems from a man's life.

I do not use the term Law loosely. As any disciple of Dominion can tell us, it is a law like Gravity is a law. One thing about all laws of the universe is that when we are in harmony with the laws there are no limits to what we can achieve.

Resistance to the laws leads to suffering.

Whenever we have been happy with our woman situation you were in line with the Law.

Whenever we have been upset with our woman situation we were out of line with the Law.

Total Dominion is the Universal Law governing relationships between men and women. Living in Harmony with the Law leads to whatever we want with women. One Night Stands, Menage Trois, dating multiple women, pimping, and of course ... the ever elusive True Love are all (and posssibly only) available through Total Dominion.

Resistance to the Law leads to suffering.

It took me 27 years to figure this stuff out. I have suffered and cried needlessly because I was ignorant of these laws. One year after living in Dominion, the only problems I have are selecting the best possible candidate from a field of willing participants.

Total Dominion has changed my life.

It has changed the lives of the men I have taught as well.

The details & situations may be different but the results are the same: happiness, success and peace with women.

In a world where men have forgotten how to be men this is needed. The stress that comes in your life from not having your relationships under control ruins our lives. Just take a look at the student at Virginia Tech who murdered 32 people after a fight with his girlfriend. This example is an extreme example but an example, nonetheless of the consequences of allowing women to be a source of stress in our lives.

So here it is.

My gift to the world.

Total Dominion

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Allan R. Smith

The Dream

Approximately 3 years ago....

I see myself. I am walking around my girlfriend's house in the dark. I am walking around flipping different light switches in different rooms but none of them seem to work. I am confused. All of a sudden a voice comes to me and says, "Why don't you just wake up?" All of a sudden All I see fades to white.

I then awoke from my sleep.

I am now awake from my dream.

Thank you, Father.

I am awake.

Let him who hath ears hear!!! (lol!!!)

There's no such thing as...

a educated person. You're either learning or you're not. - Bob Proctor

Once upon a time...

I wanted to save the world. But it seemed noone wanted to be saved. And it seemed like to much work to do by myself. It was heartbreaking. So I stopped trying to save the world and started saving myself and that seems to be working out much better.

But there's still this small part of me that wants to........

Who knows?

Maybe, one day.