Minus the bullshit, Life's great!!!

The fear

2008-09-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

My greatest fear is that I'll never break free of the same bullshit.

That I'll be stuck in my same self-sabotaging habits that prevent me from accomplishing anything of worth.

Academically, I know that my habits are my habits because they work for and I benefit from them.

I'm worried because I'm not getting excited about goals in my life.

Really the only time I get excited is when I look in baby's face.

But it seems I've repressed all desire.

Great way to avoid pain but unfortunately also a great way to avoid pleasure.

I seek a hire mode of functioning. A solution to this emotional rubix cube.

Fuuuuuuck!!!!

2008-09-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

I'm almost 30. I've achieved little of what I've set out to as a youth. I have no million dollars. I have no answers to the secrets of life. I do have my dream girl... kinda. Often times I feel a little dissapointed in what I haven't done.

I haven't sold a million albums. I haven't sold one. I'm afraid to.

I don't want the rejection. The thought of it hurts too much to push forward.

I know it's all bullshit (academically, at least) but it feels so real.

I know I'm wining right now but damn it!!! It feels good to wine sometime.

Being an adult is NOT as cool as I'd thought'd be as a kid.

It fucking sucks... well...sometimes.

The cost of freedom apparently IS responsiblity. Who knew Dear Ol' Dad was right.

But fuck...sometimes it's sooooo hard.

I know it could be a looooott worse.

It could be much worse. It could be life sans dream girl

but the truth about life lately is sometimes I'm just not enjoying it.

It seems there are less and less fun days.

Does growing up mean saying goodbye to the fun days? (Fuck that Shit)

If so, I can see why I held out why I held it off for so long.

But if I look closely I know that even the fun days weren't so fun.

The craziest thing is that I am a much happier and healthier person than I was before.

I'm in the great fuckin shape. I'm smarter, more honest, wiser, more patient, more confident, stronger, smoother, sexier than I've ever been. Through my persistence I have made myself a much better man.

Hell, the fact that I even consider myself a man at all is a huge fuckin' accomplishment.

I've grown a looooot but I'm still disappointed by the lack of fruit I've produced. I have no Mona Lisa, I have no Schroedinger's Cat.

All I am is the poorly applied advice of great men and a collection of intersesting facts.

And even as I write this is still impressed by my own brilliance.

Because the fact is My biggest pain is that I feel like I'm the shit and I'm afraid that you won't agree. It breaks my heart when you don't.

So instead of opening my heart and my world to you, I close myself off to avoid the pain, perceived though it may be.

But closing yourself off to pain means closing yourself off to pleasure too.

And the fun days can only be felt with the open heart.

So If there is a GOD out there here now my only prayer.

Father, Give me the strength to endure whatever pain I can with an open heart. If the pain must come then let me embrace it's painful spikes with an open heart.

Because if the price is not feeling the fun days, I'm not willing to pay that cost.

Kids Teaching Kids

2007-08-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

In the latest chapter of my own personal Oddesey, I am employed as a middle school math teacher. My entire family is very excited about this. Mom, especially. At some point, just about everyone in my family has been a teacher in some capacity and well I guess the proverbial apple doesn't fall far from the proverbial tree or orchard for that matter.

So, How do I feel?

Honestly, I love it. I really get off on it for some reason. Today, I taught my students about Venn Diagrams http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venn_diagrams using the collective works of Li'l Wayne, Baby and Mannie Fresh as my sets http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cash_Money_Records.

The getting up part is still kinda wierd though being that I haven't worked a job in about 9 months and the schedule I kept before I usually got up about 10am and went to bed about 3am. Needless to say this whole 6am thing has been kickin my ass.

The other strange thing is being a disciplinarian. I'm used to breakiing the rules not enforcing them. It's almost some sort of strange episode of Quantum Leap to be confronted with my own pateneted passive-aggressive class clown behavior. I don't know how to respond to it. My parents would beat me but obviously I can't beat the kids nor do I think I'd want to.

Did I mention that there a shit load of hot teachers that work here and I think the spanish teacher has a crush on me? Muy interesante y si ella no tenga cuidado ella va a tomarlo.

All in all it's an exciting new step in the series of reactions whose product is the man called Allan R. Smith.

Wisdom for Right Now

2007-04-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

We have all the faith we need to do whatever we want to do. It's up to us to put it in the right place.

The Laws of Total Dominion

2007-04-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

So, over the next few entries I will be breaking down the Laws of Total Dominion. For the uninitiated, These are a series of 4 laws that I quantified which totally eliminate woman problems from a man's life.

I do not use the term Law loosely. As any disciple of Dominion can tell us, it is a law like Gravity is a law. One thing about all laws of the universe is that when we are in harmony with the laws there are no limits to what we can achieve.

Resistance to the laws leads to suffering.

Whenever we have been happy with our woman situation you were in line with the Law.

Whenever we have been upset with our woman situation we were out of line with the Law.

Total Dominion is the Universal Law governing relationships between men and women. Living in Harmony with the Law leads to whatever we want with women. One Night Stands, Menage Trois, dating multiple women, pimping, and of course ... the ever elusive True Love are all (and posssibly only) available through Total Dominion.

Resistance to the Law leads to suffering.

It took me 27 years to figure this stuff out. I have suffered and cried needlessly because I was ignorant of these laws. One year after living in Dominion, the only problems I have are selecting the best possible candidate from a field of willing participants.

Total Dominion has changed my life.

It has changed the lives of the men I have taught as well.

The details & situations may be different but the results are the same: happiness, success and peace with women.

In a world where men have forgotten how to be men this is needed. The stress that comes in your life from not having your relationships under control ruins our lives. Just take a look at the student at Virginia Tech who murdered 32 people after a fight with his girlfriend. This example is an extreme example but an example, nonetheless of the consequences of allowing women to be a source of stress in our lives.

So here it is.

My gift to the world.

Total Dominion

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Allan R. Smith

The Dream

2007-04-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

Approximately 3 years ago....

I see myself. I am walking around my girlfriend's house in the dark. I am walking around flipping different light switches in different rooms but none of them seem to work. I am confused. All of a sudden a voice comes to me and says, "Why don't you just wake up?" All of a sudden All I see fades to white.

I then awoke from my sleep.

I am now awake from my dream.

Thank you, Father.

I am awake.

Let him who hath ears hear!!! (lol!!!)

There's no such thing as...

2007-04-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

a educated person. You're either learning or you're not. - Bob Proctor

Once upon a time...

2007-03-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

I wanted to save the world. But it seemed noone wanted to be saved. And it seemed like to much work to do by myself. It was heartbreaking. So I stopped trying to save the world and started saving myself and that seems to be working out much better.

But there's still this small part of me that wants to........

Who knows?

Maybe, one day.

How to Go Crazy

2007-02-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

Insanity is caused by living in a world of lies. It's caused by having some part of your life that you're unwilling to face. To believe you are the role you're playing. To identify with the mask more than the actor. To believe the voice(s) in your head. To care what people think about you. To feel like there is some part of you that has to be concealed or hidden. To keep secrets. It's caused by being anything than who you truly are.

I are the great I are.

Radical Honesty/Why I write this Blog?

2007-02-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

I write this Blog because I enjoy sharing my thoughts. I write it because I want people to laugh at the things that I think are funny. Thereby validating my self worth which I have attached to the idea of being a comic genius. I write because I want people to like me and be impressed with how smart and witty I am. I also enjoy seeing my words in green because green is my favorite color and I'd like to see it more often.

I love making people laugh. It's awesome. It's like having the power to make people love you. If you can make someone laugh it's damn near impossible for them not to like you. I also love helping people. It makes feel good to know that I might help someone live a better life. When you really help someone be happier they love you forever. Among many things I am I'm a big kid who's looking for people to love and accept him.

When people don't leave comments I don't think anyone is reading it and so I don't feel like blogging anymore. The one thing that pushes me over the laziness to blog is the thought that you might be reading this and get something from it that makes you feel good which hopefully will make you like me and make me cool in your eyes. I like it when people like me and I don't like it when people don't. I have done a good job over the years of not letting that bother me though. But If I had a preference I 'd prefer people liked me.

So If you want me to blog more then LEAVE COMMENTS. I feed off the energy of other people and amplify it. I like to think of it as my mutant power.

If you really wanna see some funny ass shit then tell friends about my blog. I want to be famous and I'd love it if you'd help me. Besides if you're reading this you're probably bored anyway and I bet your friend is too so, help' em out. The salesman in me can't resist sales pitches.

By the way telling the truth is comparable to a pleasurable sexual release. It's kinda like getting high or somehing. Try it!!!!

Quotes from my life

2007-02-19T15:57:00.000-08:00

El Pagano: Man, you know why you're gonna make a great father
El Capitan: Why because I can't afford anymore abortions?

You in the company of nasty niggas, dawg - El Pagano

Shiiit let me fuck around and catch one (a mamacita). You gon see my ass at every Cinco de Mayo parade, drunk as fuck, waving a damn Mexican flag screaming, Oye le Carnal!!! - El Pagano

Man! If you're not gonna go to a school where you can party. You might as well say fuck school and get money. - El Capitan

Driving a sportscar and not driving stick is like fucking with condoms on for the rest of your life. - El Pagano

I don't have a girlfriend I just have a girl who'd be mad if she heard me say I don't have a girlfriend. - El Capitan

Girl: Do you do anal?
El Pagano: A better question is do you do anal?
Girl snickers
El Pagano: Nevermind, I already know the answer. You know what girl? I'ma give u da full weezy all in yo aaasssss!!!

Hey, it could be worse. You could have a job. - El Capitan

Brad Blanton quote of the day!!!

2007-02-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

So who is Brad Blanton anyway. Brad Blanton is me like 40 years from now. He's a fucking genius and he wrote a book that everyone should read called Radical Honesty. I looooove this book so in honor of this philosophy. I will be posting a Brad Blanton quote of the day.

We all lie like hell. It wears us out. It is the major source of all human stress. Lying kills people.

The kind of lying that is most deadly is withholding, or keeping back information from someone we think would be affected by it. Psychological healing is possible only with the freedom that comes from not hiding anymore. Keeping secrets and hiding from other people is a trap. Adolescents spend most of their time playing this hide and seek game. The better you are at getting by with playing hide and seek during adolescense, the harder it is to grow up. "Important" secrets and all the plotting and cogitation that go with them are all bullshit.

Wisdom for right now

2007-02-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

If you want someone to love you for you, then be yourself, damn it!!!

Hello, here's some advice from Brad Blanton

2007-02-13T08:22:00.000-08:00

Creativity, using the mind rather than being used by the mind is the cure for all stress disorders. - Brad Blanton

Freedom is not being dominated by your own bullshit. - Brad Blanton

The Other Blog

2006-10-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

Enter at your own risk: http://sluts2bed.blogspot.com/

Possibly the Funniest Shit I've Heard all Year

2006-09-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm gon get some ass Durty Jersey Sty'le, bruh. I'ma putta colla and a tail onner and chase'uh around da yard. - Durty Jerz

Greedy Ass Uber Capitalist Quotes of The Day

2006-09-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you gotta pick up your skirt, grab your balls and go make some money! -AC

In the end, who gives a FLYING fuck!!! There not paying our bills. - AC

The End of The Beginning

2006-09-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

So I've had a lot that's been going on with me lately. Over the past few months I've had a stellar run at work. I've been kicking a lotta ass and taking multiple names. I moved out of my parents basement into apartment with my roommate who is also my real estate partner. I've gotten back into real estate investing hard core.

The decision to do this wasn't really a decision at all. It was more akin to answering a call. One of the things I love and appreciate about The Big Homie the most is that he refuses to let me give up on my dreams. At the age of 23, I wrote down that on my February 7th, 2009, the day of my 30th birthday, I would take full ownership of my time and retire. 2 years ago around this time that was the farthest thing from my mind. 2 years ago this time I was contemplating was life worth living. In retrospect, this was extreme but I have a much different perspective on life now then I did then. Back then I just wanted to quit. It seemed as if the world didn't really have a place for my dream. The thought of living my life without living my dreams left me lifeless.

2 years later, I effectively see the light at the end of the tunnel. Being so caught up in my day to day affairs I was struck by an odd and humbling realization: My dream is still possible. I can't say that I've always been a model of perserverence. Truthfully, I've effectively hid my head in the sand for months at a times. It seems that whenever I was ready to quit or forget some "coincidince" (which I'm sure I just misspelled) kept me afloat and cogniscent of the dream.

And for that reason I'm extremely humbled & grateful

As an aside/tip, God loves to communicate via coinky-dinks. So you'll do well to pay attention to them.

Back to things appearing on the horizon that make me uber-grateful for life. Moving out of my parents house has opened up some fresh perspectives. Having my own space has allowed me to appreciate so many things that I once took for granted. Solitude, smoking in peace, coming & going w/out worrying about anyone worrying, being able to entertain company, playing my music as loud as I want etc... ad infinitum. When you are in someone else's space, you have to repress yourself in certain ways to peacefully coexist.

I had completely forgotten how good it is to be me.

And as I begin on the quest for complete personal autonomy. I can't wait to see what other wonderful thing I've forgotten about me.

Quotes from the Car Lot Doce (XII), Dawg

2006-09-06T05:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. New cast. Same Madness. Without further adieu...

Cuz sometaimes, u gotta put dem hoez in da freezer. - Buffalo Dude explaining the importance of cutting a broad off when she actin up

The Heathen: Cluuuub Tra-peze!!!
The Beast: What's Club Trapeze?
The Heathen: Ohhhhh, Brotha!!! You're about to go deep down tha rabbit hole?
The Beast: What the fuck is da rabbit hole ?!?!?
The Heathen: You aint never seen Alice in Wonderland?
The Beast: Look, dawg. I told you i aint on know gay shit!!!

The ass you save JUST might be your own - Durty Jersey

Hey, whether you buy this car or not it doesn't matter to me. I'm gon eat regardless. - Our Operations Manager.

EVERY conversation with a woman should end with the same two words .... Yes, Dear. - excerpts of Durty Jersey preaching the gospel of Total Dominion.

Ma'am you're a 480 beacon, You've never paid anyone in your life. This car is a favor. Now, do you want the favor? - Sak Passe!!! Haitian Jack enlightening an unruly bogue on her limited financial options.

Ah dunno whaa he handed me dis buuulshit. Dis ain no car deal. - MoneyMakinMitch looking at some bogalicious credit.

I remember the day I knew it was over for me. My ex-wife, her sisters, her mother were all over for Thanksgiving dinner. And I told them, U see that black box outside with the numbas on it. Dat's a MAILbox notta BALLOTbox!!! NUNNA U BITCHES GETTA VOTE. DID IS MY HOUSE!!! - Durty Jersey laying down his own personal brand of Total Dominion

Look...Birds fly. Fish swim. Women submit. - The Heathen dumbing down Total Dominion to it's rudiments.

If you ever wanted to catch me, all you gotta do is bait dat trap w/ pussy. - The Dent Guy

I'm puttin my feet on the rope, I'm grabbin a handful of tights. Whatever it takes, Dey gettin pinned today. - The Heathen illustrating his hunger to sell.

Sometimes this business can only be adequately described w/ pro-wrestling metaphors. And yes we really do talk like this and yes I sold 3 cars that day with that mentality

is it new old shit or old new shit?

2006-06-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

I've posted some stuff that I haven't finished yet. See if you can find it.- ARS

Where have I been & What have I learned

2006-06-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while and a lot has happened so here's an update in my world,

Work: 2kool4skool quit, Mouthpiece got promoted, quit, came back and is kicking ass in finance. B Gizzle has been promoted to floor manager and we have developed this wierd Ferris Bueller/Principal Dewey relationship at work. Squirt moved down to service. Painky quit. I got fired and rehired again for the second time in a month. Other than that, aint been a whole lot going on. Got a few new co-workers: Destro, Light-skinned Jermaine, The Train Chief and New Guy. Kicked a lotta ass in May. June is unnh but it's not over yet.

Home: Goo moved out and is starting seminary in the fall. Pops is Pops and Moms is Moms and they're in love and the church is growing. So they're happy.

Me: I'm happy 85% of the time and when I'm not it's generally because I don't feel like being happy, which is a good place to be. I've been meditating which is interesting. I was celibate for all of ... 6 hours, before that crashed and burned. I have quantified a set of laws for dealing with women which I call Total Dominion, which I have refined to version 3.0 Quantum Dominion.

I have learned some things that are interesting to me and have affected my life greatly as I live by them. I'll share them if you want just drop a comment and I'll write you back - ARS

Showtime!!! (Unfinished)

2006-06-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

For Fred

Preface

This blog has been glaringly absent of entries as of late. This has been for a number of reasons. Minus the bullshit, Life's Great!!! is a sliver of how I process reality. Reflecting upon it, I see that I deal with my toughest & darkest of situations by finding the humor in them. The saying that comes to mind is, "Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying." As of late that's been tougher to do. I typically work 60 to 70 hrs a week in a work enviroment that is filled with rejection. The end of 2005 were 2 of the worst months Used Cars had seen in a loooooooong time. It got so bad that our GM, notorious for his "frugality", cut off our cable. Morale was low. We were frustrated because to spend the amount of time we do at work for the wages we were earning seemed absurd. Comissioned sales people don't eat unless they sell and with the exception of 1 or 2 people nobody was eating. The last week of the year we had a decent amount of traffic and because over half of the floor quit because of the slump the remainder of us, Nigga 5 (CA, FC III, B Gizzle, The Mouthpiece and Yours Truly), got pretty busy towards the end of the month. '06 looked like it was gonna turn around. I had & still have a gut feeling that this is going to be not only MY year but a great year for all of us. Shit, after winter spring ALWAYS comes. And January popped. I sold 2 and a half cars in the first 5 days and it felt like I was back in the groove. 2 of these rolled back though (meaning the bank wouldn't fund them) and soon it seemed as if I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. To make matters worse, everyone around me was having record breaking sales. In short, I was blacked out. As a salesman, being blacked out is one of the worst things you can let happen to yourself. It's the equivalent to a boxer being dizzied in the ring. For the next 2 or 3 weeks, My mind was completely gone. I had no interest of even being at work let alone upping and selling. I felt like I was swimming in molasses. Even the most ordinary of tasks seemed to require extraordinary energy. Most of the last few weeks has been spent trying how to figure out how to manage to be successful in such a fucked up mental state. I just wanted it to end but faced with the prospect of it not ending, I had to figure out how to cope with it and still be productive. More than once, I thought about quitting and going some where else but I stayed partially because "whereever you go, there you are." I realized that the problem was within me and not in my enviroment. The other reason I stayed is because I honestly believed The Big Homie wasn't ready for me to leave yet. He usually signals this to me by having some authority figure firing my ass & on top of that I had a gut feeling I was supposed to stay. I was at the point of going to try another lot, when the Big Homie sent me a sign that made me hold tight. That sign was the arrival of Showtime.

THE CASE FOR TRUTH BEING STRANGER THAN FICTION.
EXHIBIT C: The Ultimate Motivational Technique

Our store is owned by a publicly traded corporation. Which means that people spend their money to buy shares of our company because they believe we will turn a profit and make them money. Which also means that when you have 2 of your worst months ever and you losing money those shareholders are less likely to buy our stock. This puts pressure on the board who pressures the CEO, who in turn pressures numerous other corporate suits, who in turn must produce a blood offering to be sacrificed upon the altar of corporate bureaucratic politics to appease the ruthless twin gods of balance sheets & profit margins.

This sacrifice was to be our own beloved Chainsaw.

The winter months being lean as they were made all mistakes much more apparent. They say nothing hurts when you're winning. Well, the converse of that is everything hurts when you're losing. Chainsaw was the director of Used Cars. It was his show. On top of that he had bought quite a few cars for more money than they were worth at the auction. Which means we have to sell them for more money than they're worth to make a profit. He was also buying cars that noone wanted. We still have 4 2006 Ford Tauruses that we can't GIVE away. One bogue told me in absolute horror "NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! I'd rather walk than drive THAT!!!" Having cars over book (over book refers having paid more for cars than the suggested market value) makes it harder on everyone. They're harder for us to sell because they're priced out of wack with the current market. Often times when you do sell it you have to trim the margin or sell it at a loss. This means your store isn't making a lot of money, which means your salespeople aren't eating.

Bottom line: Everybody's pissed.

So when Chainsaw's boss and his boss's boss and his boss's boss's boss (who none of us had even SEEN before because he lives in Florida) showed up @ 811 Thornton Rd for a meeting with Chainsaw, noone was too shocked when he was fired a few days later.
Everyone was sad to see Chainsaw go. Working so many hours together you become a family and while we didn't always agree with his decisions or his methods, we all love Chainsaw. Besides nobody wants to see a man lose his means of providing for his family. We didn't have long to mourn though. About an hour later we were introduced to our new manager.... SHOWTIME.

I got into the car biz because I got fired from my last job and needed work. My father had been suggesting I sell cars for a while because he felt it would be a good experience to butress my entrepeneurial foundation. When I got fired from my last gig (which is a story in and of itself) I figured I'd go see LG, a friend of my father's, and give it a shot. When by what has to be the closest thing to a miracle I've personally experienced, I passed the drug test, I figured, "Okay this is where the Big Homie wants to be."

Pops is a car fanatic. He loves everything that has to do with cars. Since we have come to Atlanta, he has mentioned 2 names more than any other in the car business. The 1st,of course, is LG. The 2nd is that of Showtime.

I'm a firm believer that accidents don't happen. I figured if The Big Homie had brought Showtime and LG together then it was for a reason and I should stay and sees what develops.
The initial introduction filled me with hope. He introduced himself and while most of the floor was skeptical and/or still reeling from the loss of Chainsaw, based upon what he had to say I saw his arrival as a positive, much needed change,

First of all, he was enthusiastic which is definitely something you need when dealing customers. The fact is that human beings are animals and we pick up, feed off of, & reflect off each other's energy. If I'm slow and dragging then that's gonna bring me my customer down. If I'm up, energetic & enthusiastic then my customer reflects the same And in turn there more likely to open up and leave as satisfied customers. This isn't theory, by the way this is fact. If you wanna run a quick experiment try greeting people as enthusiastically as you can and watch there reactions. This can be done in conversation as well with acknowledgements. When you're listening to people and you're giving them the little unh-hunhs and yeahs as acknowledgements, try varying the tone of a few of them in succession and watch the results. Just as easier to dissolve sugar in hot water than cold water; it's easier to sell in high energy enviroments than low ones and after the 3 months we just had, the lot felt like a morgue. An infusion of energy is what we needed.

Secondly, his purported specialty was in sales & sales training. Our previous training had amounted to a 4 day class called Customer 1st. In my case, I was trained under the school of "Jump in the Ocean and Don't Drown." I felt like consistent structured training would do us all a lotta good.

I am at heart a trusting person willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. So a lot of Showtimes "idiosyncracies" I just wrote off as part of his management style. I should've known better. First of all, Showtime was from Chicago. Every nigga I've ever met from Chicago was fuckin nut's and 90% of them were shady. It didn't take long to notice that I initially dismissed as idiosyncracies were just a glimpse into the psychological make up of a seriously disturbed (read: fucked up) individual.

1) The muthafucka lies a lot.
He has a story for everything and it always changes. At first, the most money he had ever made in a month was 19 grand, then it was 14, then it was 16. Showtime is big on self-promotion. Bottom line dude talks a LOOOOT of shit but very rarely delivers.

2) He talks to people like shit.
As much as an uplifter as he claims to be, he seems to constantly tear people down. He said some shit to me one day so greasy that I could seriously see myself coming into work the next day and shooting him in the face. He's had closed door shouting matches with several of the employees in his short tenure their.

3) The constant, almost daily, references to either homosexuality and/or anal rape.

An Apology (to the Girl I Loved With Every Cell in My Body & the Totality of My Soul) for the 3 Years of Psychological & Emotional Russian Roulette...

2006-05-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

That We Painfully Endured Together.

Love,

I know you'll never read this. You come across my mind sometimes and I dejectedly think, "If only knew then what I know now." It feels me with sadness to think of the beauty that we chose to fill with so much pain. But If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle. The choices we made are indelibly written & set in the concrete slab of time. We can't put toothpaste back in the tube. We have scared & scarred each other in ways that neither one of us would've consciously chosen.

Maybe, when you told me on that faithful day that, "It would never work"...I shoulda listened.

Perhaps, when you told me to "run for the hills" ... I shoulda ran

but hindsight's 20/15 and sooo....

This is my formal apology to you:

I apologize for expecting you to provide me with the love and acceptance that I need. I understand now that it's my responsibility to provide these things for myself. Seeking these things from you was unfair to you and a trap that lead to too much suffering. You could never provide this to me because only I can provide this to me. I know this now but now is too late. So I apologize.

Why is hindsight 20/15?

I apologize for diminishing myself and the passive-aggressive terrorism I subjected you to. My only responsibility to you was to be unabashedly and unapologetically myself at all times and in that I failed. I robbed you of the experience of me and a lot of the time I just wasn't present in our relationship and for that I was wrong

Why is hindsight's 20/15?

If I learned a lesson from the joy & pain refresher course that was us, it's this: To Thine Own Self Be True.

Acting on the fear that I'd lose you, I lost you. Acting on the fear that I'd abandon you, you experience the abandonment you so dreaded.

You create in your life what you focus on the most.

All of the pain that I used to blame you for, I now realize that I created for myself. I hope that you can realize that the pain you felt, you created for yourself. It's a tough lesson to learn but it's a necessary lesson if you are going to heal.

All I know is that we loved each other the best we knew how and I forgive you and (most imprtantly) myself. God willing one day you'll be able to do the same.

Shoutout To...

2006-05-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

PRH, The Diplomat & JC.

When them boyz in town, U know the train's a comin!!!

Photo by Yours Truly

Quotes from the Car Lot EE-leh-ben

2006-05-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

Against better judgement & discretion, I now present to you more excerpts from my life at work.

AS: If you had a wish and could pick any ONE thing to have. What would you have?
2kool4skool: Shiiit, PussyFlavoredEdibleMoney

Thuh only thang white Ah eat, is m'girl. - Painky summing up his repulsion for mayonaise, ranch dressing or any other snow colored condiment.

Hey, you're gonna wanna blog this one. A fart is just a prelude to good shit - Knuckles

Love aint nuttin but a lotta like, no way - 2kool4skool

I just want y'all to know, I love workin witchu guys. I know summa yall thaink I'ma asshole but you know what? IIIII dooooon't reeally care. - Excerpts from The Mouthpiece's farewell speech

Africa got summa da most beautiful women in da world. You see 'em walkin down da street and u jus be like, Gaaawd. Now dey feet gon look like dey been attacked by gawddamn tarantulas or some shit but... - Painky

Now, what did I do that had her cumin all ova herself? - Big Daddy Smoov

"Fred Don't Drive Focus!!!" - The Fred's response to one of his "special friends" request to come pick up her Ford Focus from her job and have it detailed. (Zero Fuckin' Tolerance)

Bogue: (sighs) Boy, I tell ya!
AS: Kids, hunh
Bogue: Kids, wife & bills, man
AS: The Holy Trinity,hunh. Let me ask you, If you had to do it all over again(get married) would you.
Bogue: Heeeell No!!!!! If I had to do it all over again? By now, I'd be a millionaire and I'd have a 900 beacon score!!!

Munnay? Munnay, da aesiet thang in da worl 2 get. It aint nuttin but gubment printed paipuh, main. U can work 4 it, beg 4 it, steal or borrow it. -K Streezy on why noone should ever worry about money.

Pussy is pussy. We cant help what it's attached to. - Anonymous

You know what they say about cheaters? Cheaters WIN!!! - The Heathen passing on some sound advice to The Lobbyist on the subject of fidelity.

If a bitch let you toss dat salad.... U gott 'er. U can have dat woman anyway you want her, man. - Anonymous

You didn't see the crane kick? That's it, baby. Da credit's done rolled. It's a wrap. - The Heathen on what you have to tell a nympho when you've given it your all.

Ayyyy, U only get one man in this video game. - 2kool4skoool on living life to the fullest.