Minus the bullshit, Life's great!!!

Maybe...

2010-04-20T05:24:00.000-07:00

it's about self acceptance not self perfection.

It's all for...

2010-04-16T02:32:00.000-07:00

The yoga, the meditation, the pranayama, the sadhanna is to be able to breathe into the fear, the guilt, the shame so that I may honestly face life instead of running away.

The bashrika, anuloma viloma, breath of fire is to be able to create a space to see how my life can be greater than calculations of my mathematical mind.

The seeking, the searching, the sitting, the waiting is for the experience of the mother...the transformation into the father...so that I may surrender at her feet and know....

The guru....to take those things from me with which I hurt myself but refuse to surrender.

The guru... to love me and allow me to know love.

The guru... I don't know but I trust...even with my doubts I trust

and Swami...to teach me, to hold me accountable, to guide me

so that I may stop bullshitting myself

so that I may stop selling myself short

so that I may know the true meaning of salvation

so that I can love with all my heart

so that I may consume the fear and darkness

so that I can serve and share with others in ways that bring me the greatest joy.

and as noble as that might sound

it's still all I,I,I,I and me, me, me, me

so I know that there's so much more work to be done.

Namaste

The fear

2008-09-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

My greatest fear is that I'll never break free of the same bullshit.

That I'll be stuck in my same self-sabotaging habits that prevent me from accomplishing anything of worth.

Academically, I know that my habits are my habits because they work for and I benefit from them.

I'm worried because I'm not getting excited about goals in my life.

Really the only time I get excited is when I look in baby's face.

But it seems I've repressed all desire.

Great way to avoid pain but unfortunately also a great way to avoid pleasure.

I seek a hire mode of functioning. A solution to this emotional rubix cube.

Fuuuuuuck!!!!

2008-09-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

I'm almost 30. I've achieved little of what I've set out to as a youth. I have no million dollars. I have no answers to the secrets of life. I do have my dream girl... kinda. Often times I feel a little dissapointed in what I haven't done.

I haven't sold a million albums. I haven't sold one. I'm afraid to.

I don't want the rejection. The thought of it hurts too much to push forward.

I know it's all bullshit (academically, at least) but it feels so real.

I know I'm wining right now but damn it!!! It feels good to wine sometime.

Being an adult is NOT as cool as I'd thought'd be as a kid.

It fucking sucks... well...sometimes.

The cost of freedom apparently IS responsiblity. Who knew Dear Ol' Dad was right.

But fuck...sometimes it's sooooo hard.

I know it could be a looooott worse.

It could be much worse. It could be life sans dream girl

but the truth about life lately is sometimes I'm just not enjoying it.

It seems there are less and less fun days.

Does growing up mean saying goodbye to the fun days? (Fuck that Shit)

If so, I can see why I held out why I held it off for so long.

But if I look closely I know that even the fun days weren't so fun.

The craziest thing is that I am a much happier and healthier person than I was before.

I'm in the great fuckin shape. I'm smarter, more honest, wiser, more patient, more confident, stronger, smoother, sexier than I've ever been. Through my persistence I have made myself a much better man.

Hell, the fact that I even consider myself a man at all is a huge fuckin' accomplishment.

I've grown a looooot but I'm still disappointed by the lack of fruit I've produced. I have no Mona Lisa, I have no Schroedinger's Cat.

All I am is the poorly applied advice of great men and a collection of intersesting facts.

And even as I write this is still impressed by my own brilliance.

Because the fact is My biggest pain is that I feel like I'm the shit and I'm afraid that you won't agree. It breaks my heart when you don't.

So instead of opening my heart and my world to you, I close myself off to avoid the pain, perceived though it may be.

But closing yourself off to pain means closing yourself off to pleasure too.

And the fun days can only be felt with the open heart.

So If there is a GOD out there here now my only prayer.

Father, Give me the strength to endure whatever pain I can with an open heart. If the pain must come then let me embrace it's painful spikes with an open heart.

Because if the price is not feeling the fun days, I'm not willing to pay that cost.

Kids Teaching Kids

2007-08-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

In the latest chapter of my own personal Oddesey, I am employed as a middle school math teacher. My entire family is very excited about this. Mom, especially. At some point, just about everyone in my family has been a teacher in some capacity and well I guess the proverbial apple doesn't fall far from the proverbial tree or orchard for that matter.

So, How do I feel?

Honestly, I love it. I really get off on it for some reason. Today, I taught my students about Venn Diagrams http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venn_diagrams using the collective works of Li'l Wayne, Baby and Mannie Fresh as my sets http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cash_Money_Records.

The getting up part is still kinda wierd though being that I haven't worked a job in about 9 months and the schedule I kept before I usually got up about 10am and went to bed about 3am. Needless to say this whole 6am thing has been kickin my ass.

The other strange thing is being a disciplinarian. I'm used to breakiing the rules not enforcing them. It's almost some sort of strange episode of Quantum Leap to be confronted with my own pateneted passive-aggressive class clown behavior. I don't know how to respond to it. My parents would beat me but obviously I can't beat the kids nor do I think I'd want to.

Did I mention that there a shit load of hot teachers that work here and I think the spanish teacher has a crush on me? Muy interesante y si ella no tenga cuidado ella va a tomarlo.

All in all it's an exciting new step in the series of reactions whose product is the man called Allan R. Smith.

Wisdom for Right Now

2007-04-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

We have all the faith we need to do whatever we want to do. It's up to us to put it in the right place.

The Laws of Total Dominion

2007-04-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

So, over the next few entries I will be breaking down the Laws of Total Dominion. For the uninitiated, These are a series of 4 laws that I quantified which totally eliminate woman problems from a man's life.

I do not use the term Law loosely. As any disciple of Dominion can tell us, it is a law like Gravity is a law. One thing about all laws of the universe is that when we are in harmony with the laws there are no limits to what we can achieve.

Resistance to the laws leads to suffering.

Whenever we have been happy with our woman situation you were in line with the Law.

Whenever we have been upset with our woman situation we were out of line with the Law.

Total Dominion is the Universal Law governing relationships between men and women. Living in Harmony with the Law leads to whatever we want with women. One Night Stands, Menage Trois, dating multiple women, pimping, and of course ... the ever elusive True Love are all (and posssibly only) available through Total Dominion.

Resistance to the Law leads to suffering.

It took me 27 years to figure this stuff out. I have suffered and cried needlessly because I was ignorant of these laws. One year after living in Dominion, the only problems I have are selecting the best possible candidate from a field of willing participants.

Total Dominion has changed my life.

It has changed the lives of the men I have taught as well.

The details & situations may be different but the results are the same: happiness, success and peace with women.

In a world where men have forgotten how to be men this is needed. The stress that comes in your life from not having your relationships under control ruins our lives. Just take a look at the student at Virginia Tech who murdered 32 people after a fight with his girlfriend. This example is an extreme example but an example, nonetheless of the consequences of allowing women to be a source of stress in our lives.

So here it is.

My gift to the world.

Total Dominion

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Allan R. Smith

The Dream

2007-04-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

Approximately 3 years ago....

I see myself. I am walking around my girlfriend's house in the dark. I am walking around flipping different light switches in different rooms but none of them seem to work. I am confused. All of a sudden a voice comes to me and says, "Why don't you just wake up?" All of a sudden All I see fades to white.

I then awoke from my sleep.

I am now awake from my dream.

Thank you, Father.

I am awake.

Let him who hath ears hear!!! (lol!!!)

There's no such thing as...

2007-04-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

a educated person. You're either learning or you're not. - Bob Proctor

Once upon a time...

2007-03-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

I wanted to save the world. But it seemed noone wanted to be saved. And it seemed like to much work to do by myself. It was heartbreaking. So I stopped trying to save the world and started saving myself and that seems to be working out much better.

But there's still this small part of me that wants to........

Who knows?

Maybe, one day.

How to Go Crazy

2007-02-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

Insanity is caused by living in a world of lies. It's caused by having some part of your life that you're unwilling to face. To believe you are the role you're playing. To identify with the mask more than the actor. To believe the voice(s) in your head. To care what people think about you. To feel like there is some part of you that has to be concealed or hidden. To keep secrets. It's caused by being anything than who you truly are.

I are the great I are.

Radical Honesty/Why I write this Blog?

2007-02-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

I write this Blog because I enjoy sharing my thoughts. I write it because I want people to laugh at the things that I think are funny. Thereby validating my self worth which I have attached to the idea of being a comic genius. I write because I want people to like me and be impressed with how smart and witty I am. I also enjoy seeing my words in green because green is my favorite color and I'd like to see it more often.

I love making people laugh. It's awesome. It's like having the power to make people love you. If you can make someone laugh it's damn near impossible for them not to like you. I also love helping people. It makes feel good to know that I might help someone live a better life. When you really help someone be happier they love you forever. Among many things I am I'm a big kid who's looking for people to love and accept him.

When people don't leave comments I don't think anyone is reading it and so I don't feel like blogging anymore. The one thing that pushes me over the laziness to blog is the thought that you might be reading this and get something from it that makes you feel good which hopefully will make you like me and make me cool in your eyes. I like it when people like me and I don't like it when people don't. I have done a good job over the years of not letting that bother me though. But If I had a preference I 'd prefer people liked me.

So If you want me to blog more then LEAVE COMMENTS. I feed off the energy of other people and amplify it. I like to think of it as my mutant power.

If you really wanna see some funny ass shit then tell friends about my blog. I want to be famous and I'd love it if you'd help me. Besides if you're reading this you're probably bored anyway and I bet your friend is too so, help' em out. The salesman in me can't resist sales pitches.

By the way telling the truth is comparable to a pleasurable sexual release. It's kinda like getting high or somehing. Try it!!!!

Quotes from my life

2007-02-19T15:57:00.000-08:00

El Pagano: Man, you know why you're gonna make a great father
El Capitan: Why because I can't afford anymore abortions?

You in the company of nasty niggas, dawg - El Pagano

Shiiit let me fuck around and catch one (a mamacita). You gon see my ass at every Cinco de Mayo parade, drunk as fuck, waving a damn Mexican flag screaming, Oye le Carnal!!! - El Pagano

Man! If you're not gonna go to a school where you can party. You might as well say fuck school and get money. - El Capitan

Driving a sportscar and not driving stick is like fucking with condoms on for the rest of your life. - El Pagano

I don't have a girlfriend I just have a girl who'd be mad if she heard me say I don't have a girlfriend. - El Capitan

Girl: Do you do anal?
El Pagano: A better question is do you do anal?
Girl snickers
El Pagano: Nevermind, I already know the answer. You know what girl? I'ma give u da full weezy all in yo aaasssss!!!

Hey, it could be worse. You could have a job. - El Capitan

Brad Blanton quote of the day!!!

2007-02-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

So who is Brad Blanton anyway. Brad Blanton is me like 40 years from now. He's a fucking genius and he wrote a book that everyone should read called Radical Honesty. I looooove this book so in honor of this philosophy. I will be posting a Brad Blanton quote of the day.

We all lie like hell. It wears us out. It is the major source of all human stress. Lying kills people.

The kind of lying that is most deadly is withholding, or keeping back information from someone we think would be affected by it. Psychological healing is possible only with the freedom that comes from not hiding anymore. Keeping secrets and hiding from other people is a trap. Adolescents spend most of their time playing this hide and seek game. The better you are at getting by with playing hide and seek during adolescense, the harder it is to grow up. "Important" secrets and all the plotting and cogitation that go with them are all bullshit.

Wisdom for right now

2007-02-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

If you want someone to love you for you, then be yourself, damn it!!!

Hello, here's some advice from Brad Blanton

2007-02-13T08:22:00.000-08:00

Creativity, using the mind rather than being used by the mind is the cure for all stress disorders. - Brad Blanton

Freedom is not being dominated by your own bullshit. - Brad Blanton

The Other Blog

2006-10-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

Enter at your own risk: http://sluts2bed.blogspot.com/

Possibly the Funniest Shit I've Heard all Year

2006-09-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm gon get some ass Durty Jersey Sty'le, bruh. I'ma putta colla and a tail onner and chase'uh around da yard. - Durty Jerz

Greedy Ass Uber Capitalist Quotes of The Day

2006-09-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you gotta pick up your skirt, grab your balls and go make some money! -AC

In the end, who gives a FLYING fuck!!! There not paying our bills. - AC

The End of The Beginning

2006-09-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

So I've had a lot that's been going on with me lately. Over the past few months I've had a stellar run at work. I've been kicking a lotta ass and taking multiple names. I moved out of my parents basement into apartment with my roommate who is also my real estate partner. I've gotten back into real estate investing hard core.

The decision to do this wasn't really a decision at all. It was more akin to answering a call. One of the things I love and appreciate about The Big Homie the most is that he refuses to let me give up on my dreams. At the age of 23, I wrote down that on my February 7th, 2009, the day of my 30th birthday, I would take full ownership of my time and retire. 2 years ago around this time that was the farthest thing from my mind. 2 years ago this time I was contemplating was life worth living. In retrospect, this was extreme but I have a much different perspective on life now then I did then. Back then I just wanted to quit. It seemed as if the world didn't really have a place for my dream. The thought of living my life without living my dreams left me lifeless.

2 years later, I effectively see the light at the end of the tunnel. Being so caught up in my day to day affairs I was struck by an odd and humbling realization: My dream is still possible. I can't say that I've always been a model of perserverence. Truthfully, I've effectively hid my head in the sand for months at a times. It seems that whenever I was ready to quit or forget some "coincidince" (which I'm sure I just misspelled) kept me afloat and cogniscent of the dream.

And for that reason I'm extremely humbled & grateful

As an aside/tip, God loves to communicate via coinky-dinks. So you'll do well to pay attention to them.

Back to things appearing on the horizon that make me uber-grateful for life. Moving out of my parents house has opened up some fresh perspectives. Having my own space has allowed me to appreciate so many things that I once took for granted. Solitude, smoking in peace, coming & going w/out worrying about anyone worrying, being able to entertain company, playing my music as loud as I want etc... ad infinitum. When you are in someone else's space, you have to repress yourself in certain ways to peacefully coexist.

I had completely forgotten how good it is to be me.

And as I begin on the quest for complete personal autonomy. I can't wait to see what other wonderful thing I've forgotten about me.

Quotes from the Car Lot Doce (XII), Dawg

2006-09-06T05:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. New cast. Same Madness. Without further adieu...

Cuz sometaimes, u gotta put dem hoez in da freezer. - Buffalo Dude explaining the importance of cutting a broad off when she actin up

The Heathen: Cluuuub Tra-peze!!!
The Beast: What's Club Trapeze?
The Heathen: Ohhhhh, Brotha!!! You're about to go deep down tha rabbit hole?
The Beast: What the fuck is da rabbit hole ?!?!?
The Heathen: You aint never seen Alice in Wonderland?
The Beast: Look, dawg. I told you i aint on know gay shit!!!

The ass you save JUST might be your own - Durty Jersey

Hey, whether you buy this car or not it doesn't matter to me. I'm gon eat regardless. - Our Operations Manager.

EVERY conversation with a woman should end with the same two words .... Yes, Dear. - excerpts of Durty Jersey preaching the gospel of Total Dominion.

Ma'am you're a 480 beacon, You've never paid anyone in your life. This car is a favor. Now, do you want the favor? - Sak Passe!!! Haitian Jack enlightening an unruly bogue on her limited financial options.

Ah dunno whaa he handed me dis buuulshit. Dis ain no car deal. - MoneyMakinMitch looking at some bogalicious credit.

I remember the day I knew it was over for me. My ex-wife, her sisters, her mother were all over for Thanksgiving dinner. And I told them, U see that black box outside with the numbas on it. Dat's a MAILbox notta BALLOTbox!!! NUNNA U BITCHES GETTA VOTE. DID IS MY HOUSE!!! - Durty Jersey laying down his own personal brand of Total Dominion

Look...Birds fly. Fish swim. Women submit. - The Heathen dumbing down Total Dominion to it's rudiments.

If you ever wanted to catch me, all you gotta do is bait dat trap w/ pussy. - The Dent Guy

I'm puttin my feet on the rope, I'm grabbin a handful of tights. Whatever it takes, Dey gettin pinned today. - The Heathen illustrating his hunger to sell.

Sometimes this business can only be adequately described w/ pro-wrestling metaphors. And yes we really do talk like this and yes I sold 3 cars that day with that mentality

is it new old shit or old new shit?

2006-06-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

I've posted some stuff that I haven't finished yet. See if you can find it.- ARS

Where have I been & What have I learned

2006-06-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while and a lot has happened so here's an update in my world,

Work: 2kool4skool quit, Mouthpiece got promoted, quit, came back and is kicking ass in finance. B Gizzle has been promoted to floor manager and we have developed this wierd Ferris Bueller/Principal Dewey relationship at work. Squirt moved down to service. Painky quit. I got fired and rehired again for the second time in a month. Other than that, aint been a whole lot going on. Got a few new co-workers: Destro, Light-skinned Jermaine, The Train Chief and New Guy. Kicked a lotta ass in May. June is unnh but it's not over yet.

Home: Goo moved out and is starting seminary in the fall. Pops is Pops and Moms is Moms and they're in love and the church is growing. So they're happy.

Me: I'm happy 85% of the time and when I'm not it's generally because I don't feel like being happy, which is a good place to be. I've been meditating which is interesting. I was celibate for all of ... 6 hours, before that crashed and burned. I have quantified a set of laws for dealing with women which I call Total Dominion, which I have refined to version 3.0 Quantum Dominion.

I have learned some things that are interesting to me and have affected my life greatly as I live by them. I'll share them if you want just drop a comment and I'll write you back - ARS

Showtime!!! (Unfinished)

2006-06-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

For Fred

Preface

This blog has been glaringly absent of entries as of late. This has been for a number of reasons. Minus the bullshit, Life's Great!!! is a sliver of how I process reality. Reflecting upon it, I see that I deal with my toughest & darkest of situations by finding the humor in them. The saying that comes to mind is, "Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying." As of late that's been tougher to do. I typically work 60 to 70 hrs a week in a work enviroment that is filled with rejection. The end of 2005 were 2 of the worst months Used Cars had seen in a loooooooong time. It got so bad that our GM, notorious for his "frugality", cut off our cable. Morale was low. We were frustrated because to spend the amount of time we do at work for the wages we were earning seemed absurd. Comissioned sales people don't eat unless they sell and with the exception of 1 or 2 people nobody was eating. The last week of the year we had a decent amount of traffic and because over half of the floor quit because of the slump the remainder of us, Nigga 5 (CA, FC III, B Gizzle, The Mouthpiece and Yours Truly), got pretty busy towards the end of the month. '06 looked like it was gonna turn around. I had & still have a gut feeling that this is going to be not only MY year but a great year for all of us. Shit, after winter spring ALWAYS comes. And January popped. I sold 2 and a half cars in the first 5 days and it felt like I was back in the groove. 2 of these rolled back though (meaning the bank wouldn't fund them) and soon it seemed as if I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. To make matters worse, everyone around me was having record breaking sales. In short, I was blacked out. As a salesman, being blacked out is one of the worst things you can let happen to yourself. It's the equivalent to a boxer being dizzied in the ring. For the next 2 or 3 weeks, My mind was completely gone. I had no interest of even being at work let alone upping and selling. I felt like I was swimming in molasses. Even the most ordinary of tasks seemed to require extraordinary energy. Most of the last few weeks has been spent trying how to figure out how to manage to be successful in such a fucked up mental state. I just wanted it to end but faced with the prospect of it not ending, I had to figure out how to cope with it and still be productive. More than once, I thought about quitting and going some where else but I stayed partially because "whereever you go, there you are." I realized that the problem was within me and not in my enviroment. The other reason I stayed is because I honestly believed The Big Homie wasn't ready for me to leave yet. He usually signals this to me by having some authority figure firing my ass & on top of that I had a gut feeling I was supposed to stay. I was at the point of going to try another lot, when the Big Homie sent me a sign that made me hold tight. That sign was the arrival of Showtime.

THE CASE FOR TRUTH BEING STRANGER THAN FICTION.
EXHIBIT C: The Ultimate Motivational Technique

Our store is owned by a publicly traded corporation. Which means that people spend their money to buy shares of our company because they believe we will turn a profit and make them money. Which also means that when you have 2 of your worst months ever and you losing money those shareholders are less likely to buy our stock. This puts pressure on the board who pressures the CEO, who in turn pressures numerous other corporate suits, who in turn must produce a blood offering to be sacrificed upon the altar of corporate bureaucratic politics to appease the ruthless twin gods of balance sheets & profit margins.

This sacrifice was to be our own beloved Chainsaw.

The winter months being lean as they were made all mistakes much more apparent. They say nothing hurts when you're winning. Well, the converse of that is everything hurts when you're losing. Chainsaw was the director of Used Cars. It was his show. On top of that he had bought quite a few cars for more money than they were worth at the auction. Which means we have to sell them for more money than they're worth to make a profit. He was also buying cars that noone wanted. We still have 4 2006 Ford Tauruses that we can't GIVE away. One bogue told me in absolute horror "NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! I'd rather walk than drive THAT!!!" Having cars over book (over book refers having paid more for cars than the suggested market value) makes it harder on everyone. They're harder for us to sell because they're priced out of wack with the current market. Often times when you do sell it you have to trim the margin or sell it at a loss. This means your store isn't making a lot of money, which means your salespeople aren't eating.

Bottom line: Everybody's pissed.

So when Chainsaw's boss and his boss's boss and his boss's boss's boss (who none of us had even SEEN before because he lives in Florida) showed up @ 811 Thornton Rd for a meeting with Chainsaw, noone was too shocked when he was fired a few days later.
Everyone was sad to see Chainsaw go. Working so many hours together you become a family and while we didn't always agree with his decisions or his methods, we all love Chainsaw. Besides nobody wants to see a man lose his means of providing for his family. We didn't have long to mourn though. About an hour later we were introduced to our new manager.... SHOWTIME.

I got into the car biz because I got fired from my last job and needed work. My father had been suggesting I sell cars for a while because he felt it would be a good experience to butress my entrepeneurial foundation. When I got fired from my last gig (which is a story in and of itself) I figured I'd go see LG, a friend of my father's, and give it a shot. When by what has to be the closest thing to a miracle I've personally experienced, I passed the drug test, I figured, "Okay this is where the Big Homie wants to be."

Pops is a car fanatic. He loves everything that has to do with cars. Since we have come to Atlanta, he has mentioned 2 names more than any other in the car business. The 1st,of course, is LG. The 2nd is that of Showtime.

I'm a firm believer that accidents don't happen. I figured if The Big Homie had brought Showtime and LG together then it was for a reason and I should stay and sees what develops.
The initial introduction filled me with hope. He introduced himself and while most of the floor was skeptical and/or still reeling from the loss of Chainsaw, based upon what he had to say I saw his arrival as a positive, much needed change,

First of all, he was enthusiastic which is definitely something you need when dealing customers. The fact is that human beings are animals and we pick up, feed off of, & reflect off each other's energy. If I'm slow and dragging then that's gonna bring me my customer down. If I'm up, energetic & enthusiastic then my customer reflects the same And in turn there more likely to open up and leave as satisfied customers. This isn't theory, by the way this is fact. If you wanna run a quick experiment try greeting people as enthusiastically as you can and watch there reactions. This can be done in conversation as well with acknowledgements. When you're listening to people and you're giving them the little unh-hunhs and yeahs as acknowledgements, try varying the tone of a few of them in succession and watch the results. Just as easier to dissolve sugar in hot water than cold water; it's easier to sell in high energy enviroments than low ones and after the 3 months we just had, the lot felt like a morgue. An infusion of energy is what we needed.

Secondly, his purported specialty was in sales & sales training. Our previous training had amounted to a 4 day class called Customer 1st. In my case, I was trained under the school of "Jump in the Ocean and Don't Drown." I felt like consistent structured training would do us all a lotta good.

I am at heart a trusting person willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. So a lot of Showtimes "idiosyncracies" I just wrote off as part of his management style. I should've known better. First of all, Showtime was from Chicago. Every nigga I've ever met from Chicago was fuckin nut's and 90% of them were shady. It didn't take long to notice that I initially dismissed as idiosyncracies were just a glimpse into the psychological make up of a seriously disturbed (read: fucked up) individual.

1) The muthafucka lies a lot.
He has a story for everything and it always changes. At first, the most money he had ever made in a month was 19 grand, then it was 14, then it was 16. Showtime is big on self-promotion. Bottom line dude talks a LOOOOT of shit but very rarely delivers.

2) He talks to people like shit.
As much as an uplifter as he claims to be, he seems to constantly tear people down. He said some shit to me one day so greasy that I could seriously see myself coming into work the next day and shooting him in the face. He's had closed door shouting matches with several of the employees in his short tenure their.

3) The constant, almost daily, references to either homosexuality and/or anal rape.

An Apology (to the Girl I Loved With Every Cell in My Body & the Totality of My Soul) for the 3 Years of Psychological & Emotional Russian Roulette...

2006-05-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

That We Painfully Endured Together.

Love,

I know you'll never read this. You come across my mind sometimes and I dejectedly think, "If only knew then what I know now." It feels me with sadness to think of the beauty that we chose to fill with so much pain. But If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle. The choices we made are indelibly written & set in the concrete slab of time. We can't put toothpaste back in the tube. We have scared & scarred each other in ways that neither one of us would've consciously chosen.

Maybe, when you told me on that faithful day that, "It would never work"...I shoulda listened.

Perhaps, when you told me to "run for the hills" ... I shoulda ran

but hindsight's 20/15 and sooo....

This is my formal apology to you:

I apologize for expecting you to provide me with the love and acceptance that I need. I understand now that it's my responsibility to provide these things for myself. Seeking these things from you was unfair to you and a trap that lead to too much suffering. You could never provide this to me because only I can provide this to me. I know this now but now is too late. So I apologize.

Why is hindsight 20/15?

I apologize for diminishing myself and the passive-aggressive terrorism I subjected you to. My only responsibility to you was to be unabashedly and unapologetically myself at all times and in that I failed. I robbed you of the experience of me and a lot of the time I just wasn't present in our relationship and for that I was wrong

Why is hindsight's 20/15?

If I learned a lesson from the joy & pain refresher course that was us, it's this: To Thine Own Self Be True.

Acting on the fear that I'd lose you, I lost you. Acting on the fear that I'd abandon you, you experience the abandonment you so dreaded.

You create in your life what you focus on the most.

All of the pain that I used to blame you for, I now realize that I created for myself. I hope that you can realize that the pain you felt, you created for yourself. It's a tough lesson to learn but it's a necessary lesson if you are going to heal.

All I know is that we loved each other the best we knew how and I forgive you and (most imprtantly) myself. God willing one day you'll be able to do the same.

Shoutout To...

2006-05-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

PRH, The Diplomat & JC.

When them boyz in town, U know the train's a comin!!!

Photo by Yours Truly

Quotes from the Car Lot EE-leh-ben

2006-05-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

Against better judgement & discretion, I now present to you more excerpts from my life at work.

AS: If you had a wish and could pick any ONE thing to have. What would you have?
2kool4skool: Shiiit, PussyFlavoredEdibleMoney

Thuh only thang white Ah eat, is m'girl. - Painky summing up his repulsion for mayonaise, ranch dressing or any other snow colored condiment.

Hey, you're gonna wanna blog this one. A fart is just a prelude to good shit - Knuckles

Love aint nuttin but a lotta like, no way - 2kool4skool

I just want y'all to know, I love workin witchu guys. I know summa yall thaink I'ma asshole but you know what? IIIII dooooon't reeally care. - Excerpts from The Mouthpiece's farewell speech

Africa got summa da most beautiful women in da world. You see 'em walkin down da street and u jus be like, Gaaawd. Now dey feet gon look like dey been attacked by gawddamn tarantulas or some shit but... - Painky

Now, what did I do that had her cumin all ova herself? - Big Daddy Smoov

"Fred Don't Drive Focus!!!" - The Fred's response to one of his "special friends" request to come pick up her Ford Focus from her job and have it detailed. (Zero Fuckin' Tolerance)

Bogue: (sighs) Boy, I tell ya!
AS: Kids, hunh
Bogue: Kids, wife & bills, man
AS: The Holy Trinity,hunh. Let me ask you, If you had to do it all over again(get married) would you.
Bogue: Heeeell No!!!!! If I had to do it all over again? By now, I'd be a millionaire and I'd have a 900 beacon score!!!

Munnay? Munnay, da aesiet thang in da worl 2 get. It aint nuttin but gubment printed paipuh, main. U can work 4 it, beg 4 it, steal or borrow it. -K Streezy on why noone should ever worry about money.

Pussy is pussy. We cant help what it's attached to. - Anonymous

You know what they say about cheaters? Cheaters WIN!!! - The Heathen passing on some sound advice to The Lobbyist on the subject of fidelity.

If a bitch let you toss dat salad.... U gott 'er. U can have dat woman anyway you want her, man. - Anonymous

You didn't see the crane kick? That's it, baby. Da credit's done rolled. It's a wrap. - The Heathen on what you have to tell a nympho when you've given it your all.

Ayyyy, U only get one man in this video game. - 2kool4skoool on living life to the fullest.

THE CASE FOR TRUTH BEING STRANGER THAN FICTION. EXHIBIT D: The Only Bona Fide Miracle I've Experienced in My Life as of 5/14/06 (Unfinished)

2006-05-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

As years go, 2004 was one of the most painful I've ever experienced.

As a genius, it's very rare that I give any task more than around 65% of effort/energy/attention. Why? Well
1) most things don't seem interesting enough to elicit more than that
2) mastering most tasks comes to me with ease and I can get away with it
3) I'm intellectualy very selfish. My interests are my interests and having some what of an addictive personality. I like to devote my time and energy fully to subjects that I, Allan R Smith, deem interesting. This quality predisposes me to certain run-ins with authority, as one can imagine
4) As is somewhat typical with the intellectually gifted, I hate the feeling that comes with being wrong. ESPECIALLY, in a public fashion and operating at less than half my potential provides a certain hedge to my self image if I do fuck up.

Well, in 2004 I took on 2 projects that promised to deliver the Brass Ring. For the 1st time in my life, I saw my own personal Holy Graile: Complete Autonmy.

Let me explain. The currency with which all knowledge is purchased with is time. Reading, experimenting, working and reworking ideas, fleshing them out, refining them, applying them requires the expense of an irreplaceble commodity: time. The thing about our modern labor economy that I've always hated is that it requires me to rent MY precious time in exchange for money to buy the resources I needed to live. Time I could be spent loving the one thing that's always perfectly loved me back, I have to (seemingly) spend earning money so I can do such banal tasks as paying for lights, cars, clothes, space all to live a life that sustains me only to earn enough money to pay for such banal tasks as paying for lights, cars, clothes, space all to live a life that sustains me only to earn enough money to pay for such banal tasks as paying for lights, cars, clothes, space all to live a life that sustains me only to earn enough money to .... well you get the picture.

Now, making money has never been something that's been terribly of interest me. I didn't grow up with a lot of it and as child the 3 things that mattered to me feeding my curiosity, the joy of friendship & laughing until I cried had no apparent monetary value. Money was for buying things (comic books, video games etc...). And while things were fun after a while you got bored with them. I also had the privilage(?) of going to one of the nation's oldest and most prestigious boarding schools (read: being around some of the nations oldest and most prestigious money). Being around children who any material object at their beck and call, it didn't take long to see that there is no correlation between having things and having happiness.

Wisdom for Right Now

2006-05-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

Acceptance of our fear and pain is freedom from our fear and pain

A Quick Psychological Profile of Used Cars - Big LG

2006-05-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

LG - The Boss. Our director. Classic 4 with a 3wing. The phrase that comes to mind is a Mike Jones quote, "I do this shit for cash and not for fame and flash." The man is less interested in fame and glory than money and power. Upon 1st glance, he might seem quiet and laid back but don't let the smooth taste fool you. This Nigga is Candler Rd. to the core. A pinnacle of total dominion. One of the rare individuals that I've seen who gets great ideas AND implements them. He's a great leader and manager and in general, how we are as salesmen are completely colored by his temperment and work ethic in several ways.

1) We all have an underlying belief that for someone to come in our house and buy a car and not have us make a profit is not only completely retarded but fuckin insulting. This is huge because it takes the shame or deceit out of the business. Up front, it's implicitly understood that we are here to eat and that comes first. If a customer, has a problem with that then "Punt, muthafucka." There's a pride he brings to the profession that carries over to the rest of us. We don't take shit and we aren't ordertakers, we're salesman.

2) You treat people good and they'll treat you good. Real simple policy but effective. Used Cars is a real cool place to work. We get along with each other and we get along with our customers. LG, is gonna make money off of you but he's gonna treat you right and this is the same mentality we have on the floor. Customers generally have fun when they're there with us. We shoot people straight and don't sugarcoat shit but at the same time if you need some help we'll do what we can for you.

Working with LG for the most part is cool but being a 4w3 does meen that from time to time he's gonna be on his period. At these times it's just besat to stay out of his way. Usually, it has to do with if we haven't sold any cars or not. When he gets in these moods just look busy. Don't ask him for permission for anything, He's gonna say no by default. It's kinda how you might live with King Kong. The man has an ego. Arguing with him is senseless and will get you nowhere. He is a closer which means that his mentality is "Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. Even when I'm lying it's the truth." To use the rules of rational deduction with the man is an exercise in futility when he's in closer mode. It's better to approach him when he's alone, not working a deal and you or somebody just sold a car. Any public confrontation with the man requires him to prove that he is THE alpha male and your point no matter how valid will be rendered ineffective.

Quotes from the Car Lot Diez (The Resurection Issue)

2006-04-14T05:24:00.001-07:00

And on the 3rd day, he arose & got his muthafuckin job back. Let's get to it.

Cuz they don't know me. I'll tie a bitch up like Rick James. - The Beast

Squirt(the new girl): Men just don't look good naked. Anyone other than my fiancee just does nothing for me.
The Mouthpiece: I betcha if ya saw me naked, You'd LUV it.
Squirt: If I saw you naked, I'd be disgusted.
The Mouthpiece: Shiit, If you see me naked, I'm gon piss on u

Let me ask you this, If you can't afford $380 a month, what makes you think you can afford $350 a month? - The Beast closin' a customer who was hellbent on paying $350/month

LG: Waddup, bitch!!!
AS: You seem to be looking at me ... but I know that you're not talking to me because I have never been, nor will ever be, anybody's bitch.
LG: Waddup, muthafucka!!!
AS: Again, You seem to be .... Well? Wait. I have crossed THAT boundary. I, technically, AM a muthafucka. Actually, I enjoyed becoming a muthafucka. It was fantastic. Good Afternoon, Sir!!!

You can't be givin all dese hoes da good dick. A lotta dem neva had dat. They don't know how to handle it. Let me tell ya something. U wanna get ridda a brawd quick? Start givin her some weak ass dick. She'll stop callin - 2kool4skool

FCIII: She's a real sweet girl. The kind you can take home to mama
AS: Yeah, then take home and bomba (bomb her)!!!

AS: How do you know if you've crossed the line?
2kool4skool: That's the thing. You gotta cross the line to know where it is?

LG: Just cremate me, Goddam it.
AS: I'm all 4 cremation, I want part of my ashes spread at Morehouse, part of 'em in Sharon, & part of 'em in Brazil.
LG: I want my ashes spread at The Body Tap*, Goddamit. Cuz even when I'm dead and gone I still wanna to look at dese hoes. Na'am sayin'.

*The Body Tap Triple XXXclusive Nude Emporium is the Strip Club equivalent to like the Guggenheim Musuem or Ceasar's Palace or some other architectural marvel. It has 2 floors, a shower room where you can watch a chick shower, 2 side stages that have floor to ceiling poles that are at least 30 ft. in length, a main stage that you could perform a full gymnastic floor routine on and LOTS of very skilled, bad ass strippers. No words can do the Tap justice. Being there is what it must feel like to be a small child in Willy Wonka's Choclate Factory. Except instead of Candy it's thongs, clear heels, and every assortment of beautiful black woman one could imagine moving in ways that would astound the brightest minds of modern physics. On an average Wednesday, the Tap will go through $80,000 in one dollar bills.

Gotta love Corporate America

U is for Unemployment

2006-04-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

Well It's Spring again and in what's seeming to become a vernal tradition I've gotten my black ass fired. My tenure as the resident scribe in used cars has come to an end. I have been repeatedly warned about my tardiness and yesterday Knuckles said that according to his watch I was 1 min late for work. Thus, here I am once again in the season of Resurrection searching for gainful employment.

The biggest difference is that in contrast to years passed, I have an almost Durdenesque acceptance of my termination. My life has always been peppered with rendevous with authority figures. Not in a 2pac/Menace II Society way, more of a Dennis the Menace/Zac Morris mischevious way. The quintessential non-conformist. A non-conformist to the point where I won't make myself conform. If I'd've left 10 min. earlier I would've gotten to work at 11:50 or 11:51 depending on who's watch you're going by. But, as FCIII so eloquently puts it, "If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle." I was almost done with the chapter and I figured I might as well finish it up. These are the consequences of my actions and I'm at peace with them. These situations are far from unexplored territory.

As a child, I stayed in the principal's office. The running joke was that my parents had their own parking space at the school. While this wasn't totally true they were on a 1st name basis with most of the administration at my selected schools of matriculation. A function of the frequency and length of time spent together. I guess it's kinda like how FBI agents and Mob dons develop a certain friendly working relationship after a while. If you're gonna spend this much time together you might as well get along.

My sister has this story about how when she first started kindergarten her teacher pulled her out of the lunch line and introduced her to another teacher. Her kindergarten teacher, then in a way that you might politely speak about a suicide bomber, said, "This is Allan Smith's little sister." To which the the other teacher replied "Ohhhhh, but she looks so sweet."

Briefly, Between K-5, I was in detention too many times to count and suspended from school once and served a few in school suspensions. Halfway, In 5th grade, my parents pulled me outta public school and sent me to a school for gifted children. I did well there for the most part (I was suspended once, though. Why? I don't remember.)

For 8th grade, I switched to Youngstown Chrisitan Academy which might as well been a public school. After the school for the gifted closed I had to find another school. My parents having little faith in the Sharon Public School System to provide me with an education that I couldn't complete between cartoon commercials looked to find a school that challenged me intellectually. This seems to be a prerequisite for me to behave in any environment I'm in. I tested into 9th grade at 11 years old but my parents feared that I wasn't mature only advanced me to the eight grade.

From an academic standpoint the year was a complete fucking waste. At Boardman (the gifted school), I had done Algebra I, close to 2 years of high school Spanish, had studied the entire history of the Roman Empire from Romulus and Remus to the fall of Rome, I had read Oedipus Rex, the Illiad, The Aeneid, several Shakesspeare plays including Antony and Cleopatra, Julius Ceasar, Hamlet & Othello. So going from Boardman to any normal 8th grade class was ...well they might as well have put me in a 4th grade class for that matter.

As is par for me, boredom + comrades = mischief. Before long I was in trouble at YCA and suspended and eventually asked not to comeback.

High School, I went to Reserve, a boarding school. Freshman year for the most part was incident free but then again I was battling depression for a good deal of the year. The next three years saw me rise from minor nuisance to criminal mastermind/public enemy numero uno. Every form of disciplinarian action short of expulsion I received multiple times. Dean's Club, which is basically detention at 6:30 am and later on Dean's Dinner which was detention after dinner became regularly scheduled parts of my academic day . I had so many of these that I would just go for, like, weeks at a time. One day I'd just stop going; the logic being that, "Well, that oughtta cover it." Which (of course) it usually didn't . I'd find this out the next day at Morning Meeting or lunch when either Dean Closen or Ortman would, after reading announcements, say I need to the following students after morning meeting Cesarik, Burke, Nwankwo, both Mo & Chuma, Allan Smith (FUCK!!!), etc... . This meant I had missed a DC, which meant I owed %500 interest (5 more for the one I missed) plus the original principal.

I had Morning Running for failing room inspection. Dish duty, clean-up duty, Sunday detention, writing "I will not do whatever the fuck I did or said again" ad nauseum on the board a la Bart Simpson in the Simpson's intro, I was suspended twice (once for calling Dean Ortman, an alcoholic to his face and inferring that it was the cause of his wife leaving him and once for arguing with the head of cafeteria about an ice cold chicken sandwhich that she wouldn't heat up and wouldn't let me heat up, to which I told her, "Look, if you're too lazy to heat it up, that's fine, but don't stop me from heating it up myself.) I was kicked off the track team 2 years in a row. I've had to work spring breaks. Short of jail & electroshock therapy I've received just about every punative action one can receive by the end of high school.

You know how on Wheel of Fortune, on the final puzzle, contestants picked the same letters so much that eventually they started with these letters as a given ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wheel_of_fortune#1981-current_.22Bonus_Round.22), well that's kinda how it was after a while at Reserve. I knew my name was a given, I didn't know what I did per se, but , oh, it was gonna be called.

Morehouse was different of course because the only thing that mattered was 1) keep your scholarship and 2) graduate on time. During my 1st year at Morehouse, my mother called me up with this revelation, "Allan, you know the other day I was like something's missing. All of sudden it hit me. I turned to your father and said, 'This is the 1st year in 11 years, we ain't gotta caaaaall from a schooooool asking us to come pick you uuuuuup. Ah said, Laawd, Thaink ya Jeesus!"

Grad School was different, battling more depression I got kicked outta my first research group because "I wasn't a good fit". I almost decided to drop out when until the infamous, I. Boxwell told me, "What, You only 1 class away?!? Nigga, finish yo masta's" And so I did.

After graduating from Tech I got hired by Morehouse and fired a year later. I ran my real estate business into the ground. I've been kicked out of a network marketing company for insubordination/mutiny. I took a job delivering wine for a wholesaler and got fired from that 5 months later and now most recently Team Nissan of Lithia Springs.

I used to beat myself up about this. I used to ask what's wrong with me and why can't I just be disciplined or blah blah, or whatever the fuck. But I have come to the realization that I choose these outcomes.

If it was up to my rational conscious mind, I would've finished the Ph. D. program at Tech. I'd probably be either in a post-doc program, or working in someone's lab making 90k a year, but fucking miserable.

I'd be working at Morehouse, with more time freedom and making somewhere between 30-40k a year, fulfilled helping young men acheive their dream of going to grad school but feeling like somewhat of a hypocrite promoting higher education as a panacea to life's woes, when I know there's so much more to it than that. Plus the fact I'd be bored outta my mind.

I'd be delivering wine for 10-13 bucks/hour, content with exploring and seeing the many derisive effects that capitalism has on the soul of the worker and marvelling at the way that people find joy in what seems to be dead end situations. Enjoying the sense of relief from manual labor, being to be able to at the end of each task exactly what you've accomplished and driving around and seeing the city everyday. But I woulda been broke, with no time to find anything else to do and probably on the verge of doing something I really would've regretted.

I'd be up at Team, selling cars which if I'd applied myself could make really good money, maybe move up to management one day and make 8 to 20k a month and never have to worry about money again. But I'd always have the nagging suspicion that I was meant for something more and it'd be at the sacrifice of the time freedom that I so cherish.

The thing is my conscious rational mind (hence CRM), is a mind that can only process what it sees. It doesn't know how to dream yet. It calculates data and processes data and calculates probabilities and tells me what can't be done. My CRM has to know HOW everything has to be done before it will allow itself to dream or want or envision a better life. My CRM's 1st impulse is to seek safety & security ... to stay in port instead of sailing ... to stay in the nest vs flying. It has been programmed to fear. Prefering the "peace" of certainty to the anxiety of uncertainty, it communicates in the language of "it can't happen/ won't happen/ it's impossible" because by believing these things you can be certain that you'll be right. My CRM is afraid and I've developed it to shield me from the thing I hate to feel the most...dissapointment.

However, I'm prepared to face whatever dissapointment's it takes to find my purpose. One thing you eventually learn after enough mistakes is resilliance.

These beliefs maybe at one time served me but I reealize now that in order to truly be fulfilled that I have to stop trying to control everything and let go(d).

What I once saw as a sub-conscious self sabotaging curse I now realize is just me being honest with myself. It's me being honest with myself about what I want out of life and pushing myself to it. I'm still not sure where I'm headed but I'll know soon and I'll see you when I get there - AS
By the way, I highly recommend you go see V is for Vendetta. Great movie with a lot of great lessons!!!

Tools to Insure Sanity

2006-04-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

I have developed a "special" tool If I want to pull myself out of bouts with boredom or sadness.

Whenever you want to pull yourself out of a less than desireable emotional state....

Close your eyes....

If you can, clear your mind...

and I want you to imagine....

The Winter....

Special....

Olympics.

I'm dead ass serious.

Put aside the fact that I'm going to hell for this because you are too for laughing, but there is something magical about the combination of retards and handicaps in low friction environment that lifts the human spirit.

Put aside your guilt and just imagine a bunch of retards boblsedding. C'mon, you know that's funny ass shit.

I'll leave you to your own devices now. Experiment with this one though. - AS

P.S. I'd love to hear your comments on scenarios you came up on this one.

Wisdom for Right Now

2006-04-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

Analyze Less

Imagine More

Shotgun & Me

2006-04-05T05:07:00.000-07:00

These are some of the more salient points from my conversation last night w/ Shotgun one of my best friends from high school.

We are more than just a set of genes trying to propagate itself

Looking at life and realizing the sheer improbability of the simplest of life's phenomena reveals the fact that there is a conscious design to it. There has to be an architect. Life is the mathmatical equivalent to winning the lottery everyday. Everything about life is a miracle.

This conscious design IS life, It is the source of life. (read: God)

Human beings have this same "thing" in them as life itself (i.e. the ability to create, and choose)

If you took a slice of apple pie and put it next to a whole apple pie and ask that slice what it is? Upon looking at the whole it could only say I am apple pie. Likewise, we are a slice of God.

Am I same the person I was 5, 10, 15 years ago? Yes, what's changed is the set of beliefs with which I process/manage/deal with reality (read ego) but I am the same. I've always sought the same answer (truth&love) but have used different belief systems to try and get this answer.

What most people call life is actually just the evolution of their egos or the evolution of how they perceive reality. Mathematically speaking most people go from f(x)=x to f'(x)=(x) to f"(x)=x to f"'(x)=x etc... ad infinitum. Going on and on trying to find different formulas to get to God/Love/Happiness/whateveryouwannacallit.

The ONLY thing that seperates us from god/life/this conscious design is our ego or approximations of life through our belief systems. There is the "I" that seeks God/Love/Happiness and there is the reality of that. What screens us from seeing that is our egos (how we decide to label, interpret, categorize and manage reality).

Hence EGO standing for Edging God Out.

Mathematically speaking if what we truly seek is x (which stands for god/love/the infinite/all there is/I am the great I am) then any f(x) we choose seperates us from god because x=x. (except for identity operators but all it shows is the oneness of god)

We are nerds

Simply put, our egos are the screens that keep us from experiencing our oneness with God

This is the error of modern Cartesian thought (i.e. everything can be logically deduced) Our attempts to model/interpret life keep us from fully experiencing it.

Through quantum physics we know that there is one conscious infinite source that creates all matter/life. So even when you apply Cartesian thought to the questions of life you come back to the same answers that The Great Teachers said thousands of years ago.

(Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess)

This can be summed up as "Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name." God is the source of life.

Just as if you try and describe infinity with numbers you'll always come up short. I.e 1+1 isn't infinity, neither is 1+1+1, neither is 1+1+1+1+1+1+........... (get the picture) Any attempt to describe God with words will ALWAYS come up short.

A realization of these facts may seem sublime or unreal.

The truth of it is, it is the ONLY thing that is real and that our ego constructs of life are what's unreal.

Hence, Minus the Bullshit, Life's Great!!!

Ultimately, then since we are beings of consciousness it is up to us to choose how we experience reality. You're the director of your own film and it's called your life.

The practical implications of this to living are thus:

We are completely responsible for our lives.

Any situation in our life comes about because consciously or unconsciously we chose it to be that way

That our job is to get control of our thoughts/minds.

From a engineering standpoint our emotions serve to tell us how well we're functioning. Happiness = great. Sadness,anger, etc.. = bad

What you focus on is what you feel. So if you're sad, it's because you perceive something that makes you sad. If you want to stop being sad choose to perceive something else.

This is much easier said than done but it is completely possible. It's like driving stick. Just because you don't know how to get into first gear doesn't mean the car won't go into 1st gear. It takes practice. But once you learn how to experience the freedom and control you from being able to shift gears at will you'll never want to go back to driving automatic.

Hence, the saying "my mind is a perfect servant but a lousy master."

Happiness is a choice and our job is to choose happiness. When Buddha was asked what is the way to happiness, he responded "There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way"

The future and pass are illusions. There is only one moment and that is NOW. You can't be back in 1968 or 1996 or 2001 or yesterday or an hour ago.

You can only be HERE, NOW.

Whenever you wake up where are you? HERE!!! When you wake up, it's NOW!!! I'm typing this in Shotgun's room and I'm HERE and it's happening NOW. You cannot escape from the eternal moment that is HERE & NOW.

YOU ARE ALWAYS IN THE HERE AND NOW!!!

THERE IS ONLY ONE TIME AND ONE PLACE, HERE AND NOW

Christ said "Seek ye FIRST, the "Kingdom of God" and all these things will be added to you."

Where is the "Kingdom of God"?

The Kingdom of God isn't in Bangladesh in the year 1243 or in Brooklyn in
1957 or coming to Sharon Pa. in the year 2008.

The "Kingdom of God" can only be HERE, NOW BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!

So If it's already HERE, NOW then how do you know that you've found it?

Well, what does it feel like to be in The Kingdom of God? I imagine it feels good and you'd be happy to be there.

Well that means when you're happy, you must be in the "kingdom of god" So choose to be happy and the rest will take care of itself.

Be in the present moment.

When athletes, great musicians and artists get in the "zone" all that is happening is that there are fully being in the HERE & NOW. They're are one with God and create realities that seem unachievable to the rest of us.

The fact is though we could all do things that would amaze us if we would just be fully PRESENT in the HERE & NOW.

You cant "do" anything to get into that space of being fully PRESENT. The only way there can be described as letting go. It's a place of of complete flow. I'll get there from time to time freestyling. I never know what I'm gonna say until I say it but it always a) better than my written b) on time and c) rhymes & fits perfectly d) is ultra creative. I get there sometimes while writing prose too.

When you're fully in that state EVERYTHING is available to you.

The question is how do you "let go" for good? Complete surrender to the present moment.

It's our expectations and desires that pull us away from being PRESENT

The pharmaceutical industry is built off of supplying us with pills that come about because we aren't fully PRESENT.

Sex on Viagra makes for a fun night

I haven't fucked a chick yet in the ass because I just cant see my dick goin in that itty bitty hole.

Apparently, although it IS difficult to get it in, the payoff is well worth it.

Ladies, Shotgun is currently single and will be in Atlanta until the 7th of April.

KNUCKLES!!!

2006-04-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. These are just some of the highlights of the first few days with the recently hired, part paisan, part redneck, gritty, 40+ used car manager whom we affectionately call "The Sandblaster" Sally Knuckles.

So, what is a blog? What is that bullshit log? - Salvatore Knuckles after being informed that he had been quoted on the blog

You think I give a fuck about a bogue? Man, I'm ruthless with a bogue. - Knuckles

Hey, Ipod dude (me), pay attention you're gonna wanna put this one on the blog. Do you know what hope is? Hope is the language of the poor and poor is a state of mind. - S. Knuckles response to a new saleswoman who said she "hopes" to sell a car today.

You can't make chicken salad outta chicken shit - S. Knuckles

That's why I fuck with guns - S. Knuckles response to him being to old to fight

When you don't want to dream, THAT'S when you dream the good dream - Zenmaster Knuckles explains the law of allowing

Women are easy to figure out, man. You can have any woman you want. They're just people. They've got insecurities. Ususally the prettier they are the more insecure they are. It's the intelligent ones you gotta watch out for though, they're the toughest to mount. - Knuckles on dating

Remember this, destiny is not by chance it's by choice - Sal's greatest lesson to date

Wisdom for Right Now

2006-03-31T07:44:00.000-08:00

Love Life and Let It Love Ya Back

The Very First (& Subsequently Very Last) Sermon of Allan Rudolph Smith (Part 1)

2006-03-29T17:00:00.000-08:00

The year is 20xx.

The man known as Allan R Smith, in a very public fashion, received his call to preach at the age of 22 at Community Church of God. In the middle of his parents pastoral appreciation, Rev. McFadden interrupted his sermon and told a young, capricious & insoucient Allan R. Smith that the Lord had told him (Rev. McFadden) to tell him (Allan) that there was a call on his (Allan's) life. He was to be a great preacher. Rev McFadden also went on to tell him that he (Allan) was running from the call but its okay because noone ever wants to be called. Rev. McFadden told Allan (in front of the entire congregation) that God told him that if he delivered this message to him (Allan), he would help him (Rev Mc Fadden) bring his own son back to God.

Upon hearing this Allan, who was sitting in the front row, broke down and cried.

The next day unsure of what to do next. He tackled the issue the way he has tackled every issue he has ever faced in his life: by devouring the subject with his rabid intellect. He read almost anything he could find on the subject of his Christian Faith.

As he begin to delve into the history and precepts of Christianity, he began to see (what he considered) certain logical inconsistencies. Eventually, he came to a very cold and (to put it mildly) unsettling conclusion... there was no God.

In lay terms, this realization FUCKED HIM UP. Acceptance of the thought of being cold and alone in the universe is paralell to playing hopscotch over the squares of insanity, hopelesness, confusion and madness. It's like being lost in the woods and having someone snatch your compass away from you or being dropped in the middle of ocean with nothing but water in sight. It was so frightening, that he didn't share this with anyone for fear of subjecting his loved ones to the same cold madness and sheer horror that he was dealing with.

Slowly but surely though, he began to see that beyond everything he had been taught about God that didn't make any fucking sense whatsoever, that there was something that he could indeed point to and say "You know what, this might be God"

God speaks Dutch to the Dutch and Japanese to Japanese. He is the great communicator; he speaks to us in whatever language we understand. God speaks to the tortured genius in a language he understands too: by orchestating a series of events so subtle, bizarre and mathmatically improbable that the genius has to take notice and say "You know what, this might be God"

"You can't get wet from the word water."

Just as any observant fish cannot deny the ocean, Allan Rudolph Smith could no longer deny the existence of God. God, in his genius, had revealed to him (Allan) that as bright as he (God) had created him (Allan), he (Allan) couldn't comprehend God like some sort of mathematical equation. The stint with atheism was necessary so that he (Allan) would throw everything he learned about God aside and be in a position were he could actually experience God.

And so he grew closer with God. He focused less on what anyone else had to say about the Big Homie and more on what he had observed about him himself. There were times when he walked closer with God and there were times when he wasn't so close. All in all, though he did his best to be a good friend to and student of The Big Homie.

All the while, he never forgot about that nagging call to preach. The question he had though was, "Preach, what?!?! and to who?!?!"

You see, Allan entertained certain vices that he felt no absolutely compulsion to cease. He enjoyed the occasional cigar and shot of tequilla. He was, from time to time, known to enjoy choice selections of adult cinema (particularly the works of Carman Hayes, Vanessa Blue, Kitten, Caramel, and Janet Jacme). Bluntly speaking, he loved to fuck and in some circles he would be considered somewhat of a freak. He also received a strange pleasure from interspersing vulgar language in his everyday speech. And lastly, his love affair with left-handed cigarettes which was one of the experiences that brought him closer to God in the 1st place. If you asked him what his perfect day was, you'd soon find out, in graphic detail, that it involved all his best friends, all of his vices, breakfast at The Beautiful, sushi for lunch, & Houston's for dinner and a beautiful curvaceous choclate girl for dessert after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

He loved life and saw no reason to change. Likewise, he refused to preach because if there's one thing he hated it was a hypocrite particularly when it came to the cloth.

But still he heard the call.

Partially because he figured once he answered, God would know he had called the wrong person & leave him to his happy life and partially because he figured he should answer before he got swallowed by a whale or some shit; he went to his father and told him his ready for his first sermon.

Preach what?.... He would preach the only thing he could: what he knew to be true.

And so that brings us to a somewhat nervous/ somewhat excited Allan R. Smith standing for the 1st time, in front of a congregation which his father pastors, in the church his grandfather founded, ready to deliver a word from God.

And what a word it would be!!!

First of all giving honor to God and the manifestation of his perfect love through his son Christ Jesus

To my church family, Community Church of God, who has seen me dedicated here, has seen me participate in Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, Children's Church, Children's Choir, and just about anything else a young man can participate in being raised in this church

To my friends who have been like family to me, who are probably here as much out of sheer curiosity as for moral support

To my aunts, uncles and cousins whose love, laughter and encouragement are the fertile soil which my spiritual growth is rooted in

To both of my Great Gradmothers, Lizzie Smith and Louise Knowles whose presence we are all blessed to be in

To my deceased grandparents, Ozear and Essie B. Pearson, who I know are looking down on me from heaven with a bowl of popcorn and a pack of cigarettes laughing.

To my Grandmother, the General, Our matriarch, Edna Smith

To my mother The Rev. Felecia Pearson Smith, my first friend, God couldn't have given me a better guide to show me the bliss of his love. My early formative years were your work and I am who I am mostly because of you.

To my grandfather, The Reverend Rudolph Smith, throughtout all my confusion and grappling with this call, your vigilant walk with God and the peace you possess has been a beacon to remind me of benefits of Godly living.

And finally, to my father The Reverend Michael Allan Smith. My pastor, my dad and my friend whose infinite patience, grace, mercy, understanding and love are the model which allow me to so readily understand the perfect love which our heavenly father has for us.

Thank you all for being here to support me as I deliver this, my first sermon.

I'm not going to preach from a text and I'm gonna speak uninhibited and candidly.

To quote the great Queens poets, Mobb Deep.....

"Y'all niggas got it twisted up. That liquor makin' u retarded!"

To be continued....

Quotes from The Car Lot Nueve NIIIGAAA!!!

2006-03-21T17:33:00.000-08:00

This is what the people who talk you out of your cash talk about when you're not around.

The Beast: Hey girl, I gotta indecent proposal for you.
Girl: What's that?
The Beast: Now, I aint no balla, but I'll give you a $1000 dollars for one night.
Girl: You gon havta add about a couple zeros behind that baby boy!
The Beast: Okay meet me half way....$1500

AS: Where do you see your self in 5 years
2kool4skool: On a beach, feet kicked up, kickin' it witta BAAAD AAASSS bitch, .... and my son gon be right dere wit me, fuckin her daughter
AS: (laughing histerically) WHAATTT!!!
2kool4skool: Yeah in 5 years He'll be about 16, 17. I'm a find me a bad ass bitch, witta daughter around his age and I'ma be like. Oh y'all goin on vacation, shiiit y'all mightas well come wit us. And we gon go to da beach and he can knock her daughter off

That exchange makes me proud to be raised in the Midwest

The Heathen: Daaaamn!!! I wanna climb her back!!!
The Fred: That's a whole lotta woman, bruh. You're sure you could handle it?
The Heathen: Nothing I couldn't tackle with a grappling hook and a bottle of KY.

"If ya cain't do ya jooooob, git tha fuck up off the boulavahd!!!" - MoneyMakinMitch aka 2old4skool

SHUT the FUCK UP and MIND yo own fuckin business - Big LG admonishes an employee for their inquisitiveness.

OOoohh girl, we ain't gotta mash the gas and the brake at the same time!!! We comin up, baby!!! - Bay area bogue who reminds us all to be grateful for the little things in life.

S. Knuckles: Jesus!!!
AS: Is it thaat bad
S. Knuckles: She's stolen from e'rybody but YOU!

S. Knuckles response to a bogue who's credit was so bad that he balled up the credit app, threw it on the ground, got up from behind his desk and kicked it out of his office.

AS: Any advice on how to deal with a younger woman.
Candler Rd: Fuck 'em hard and then don't call 'em

"Now shit? What did I do that had her comin all over herself?" - Big Daddy Smoov

The Mouthpiece: Cuz, you can trust me.
AS: Yeah, except if it involves money or women
The Mouthpiece: EXACTLY!!!

2kool4skool: Shit, I always wanted to write a book. I'd sell a million copies off the title alone.
AS: What's the title?
2kool4skool: It's called: Why Niggas Ain't Shit but Bitches Still Fuck Wit Us, Anyway.

This fucker's tryin to close muhfuckas wit homoerotic subliminal suggestions. - AS

I'm calling in dead - DH on Hell Week

Showtime (the boss): I need you to get this stuff off the car.
The guy who washes the cars (the guy who washes cars): No Problem.
Showtime: I mean, WHAT!!! I gotta start doin your job too!!!
The guy who washes the cars: WHAT?!?!
Showtime: YOU HEARD ME!!! CLEAN THE GODDAAMN CARS!!!
The guy who washes the cars: NIGGA, FUUCK YOUUUU!!!
Showtime: WHAAAAT?!?!?
The guy who washes the cars: YOU, CLEAN THE GODDAMN CARS!!!
Showtime: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR !!!
The guy who washes the cars: NIGGA, YOU GO GET MY SUPERVISOR!!!

Southwest ATL, too strong!!!

AS: She was cute.
2kool4skool: That don't mean shit to me. Dat bitch cain't buy SHIT.
AS: Shit, it's gotta count for somethin
2kool4skool: Shiit, until my leasing office start accepting payments in cute, it don't mean shit to me.

AS: What happened on the Collins deal?
2old4skool: Collins? The bhhaaanks hhhhate him!!! 1st investuhs said "serious history of delinquency", Weeells said "Insufficient time passed bankruptcy", Cap One didnt give a reason, they just said "heeell 2 da naaaw".

"I'm closin' EVERYBODY!!! I'm closin' old ladies on Sentras. Mexican's on Frontiers. Hoes on dick!!! I'm closin everybody" - The Indominable FC III

"Cuz we'll find someone else to do your job and we won't miss you, baby" - Showtime

Alas, poor Showtime I knew him well

"Cuz this is Used Cars, Biiitch!!!" - The Indominable FCIII

Quotes from the Car Lot OCHO

2006-02-15T08:04:00.000-08:00

500 to look and 500 to get ya laid - Chainsaw's advice on how to maximize $1,000 at a strip club

He gon havta write dat shit down cuh I ain unnastand a word he said. - Customer expressing his lack of comprehension due to our finance director very thick Nigerian accent.

I know you're up to something because you've got that sinister look in your eyes and that shit-eating grin on your face. - DH questioning the motives behind my seemingly innocent line of questioning.

AS: You ever fuck any of your customers?
2kool4skool: You aint wearin a wire? Cuz if you are you have to tell me or it's entrapment.

Hey, youngblood. Come gitta sip of dis yac. - Old Man Gates offering the contents of his flask to The Deuce on the lot.

Hoes...just...want...dick! - 2kool4skool

AS: His head looks like a topographical map
FC III: See you be hittin em with those educated insults that you really gotta put some thought into.

I don't even like her like that right now. I ain't buyin her shit - Big LG discussing is Valentine's Day plans.

Anything more than 2 times , 3 times tops if it's some good pussy, but anything more than 2 times is a relationship. - Pretty Willie's advice to me on the mechanics of dating, courting & romance

I'lllllll FUCK da SECRET outta a sorority bitch. Put dat shit on da blog. - 2kool4skool

2kool, I seriously don't remember what I wrote about b4 your arrival 2 used cars. Dont worry your royalties are coming soon.

02/12/2006

2006-02-12T05:16:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna throw away all stylistic flair and just speak freely for a moment. If you've noticed in my blog, I refer to God as The BIG Homie. This is for 2 reasons. 1) I feel like he really is my friend like I consider any of my peoples my friend. 2) The word "God" has so many connotations, preconceived notions and possible misconceptions tied to it that to use it, I feel, would cloud the nature of the relationship I've established w/ him when talking about him to other people.

I grew up in a very religious household and have been taught about God from a very early age. For reasons that aren't worth discussing right now I became an atheist around the age 22. Soon after that, for the first time I experienced for myself the presence of God in a most humbling and unique way.

The story that comes to mind to describe this period in my life is:
There was an old fish that was swimming in the ocean. When he ran upon 2 young fish he stopped and said to them, "Good morning, boys. The water's good this morning." and then swam off. One of the young fish then turns to the other one and asks him, "What the fuck is water?"

It's only when I threw away what I had been taught about God that I could see and experience the water for myself. So I believe in God, but there are entire sections of both the Bible and my Christian faith that I consider irrelevant. Not saying I know best what to throw away and what to keep but I just don't accept things that make no fucking rational sense whatsoever. My attitude towards Christianity is throw it all in the crucible, let the bullshit burn up and the truth remain. If this means I'm going to burn in hell ... well, personally I don't believe in heaven or hell as it was taught to me as a child. Besides, no human being can know what happens to us after death, period. It's impossible. That being said I put my focus on how to best live this life and not necessarily preparing for the next.

Wierd thing is I got into this conversation with The Mouthpiece and Gizzle tonight while riding down I-285 with open containers. I guess this would be a good time to mention that it's 8:49 a.m. when I'm writing this and I'm just getting home. These are probably 2 of the last people I would expect to have a conversation about religion with, because... well, what great theologians have you known to sell used cars? Conversation, eventually turns to the inevitable question "Why are we here?" To which my response is "Honestly, I just think God wants a playmate." I tell 'em if you look at nature, as you progress up, life seems to become friendlier and friendlier (or at least has the capacity to). At this point, we walk into Vegas Nights and proceed to get smashed, so the conversation pretty much was over.

Fast Fwd to a very DRUNK yours truly, sitting in his car, oustide The Mouthpiece's apt. with an empty gas tank and his car will start but keeps quickly cutting off. I manage to get the car about a half mile down the road and the car completely stalls out on me & because it's 6:15 am noone's pickin up there phone. I put on the hazards, grab my gas can & start to troop to the gas station. It's colder than a witches tit in a steel bra, outside. There are snow flurries which in GA is the equivalent to a an arctic snowstorm somewhere else. As I'm walking up the road I'm 1) thankful for my coat, hat & gloves and 2) praying for someone to have mercy upon me and give me a ride to the gas station. I then begin to doubt this request because I figure who would ever be dumb enough to give a 5' 11" 250lbs black man walking down the side of the road a ride this far outside of the metropolitan area. With the popularity of CSI and Law & Order most people believe that Good Samaritan behavior leads to you being abducted and held in a basement with some wierd dude yelling at you, "It puts the lotion on its skin. It does what its told." (Shawn, I promise I will update more frequently.) I'm the only person I know that would pick up strangers on the side of the road. After about a minute of this I shut all these thoughts out of my head and think, "God, It's very cold please just send me some one dumb enough to give my black ass a ride to the gas station."

Less than 5 min later, my Samaritan shows up. She asks me if I need a ride to the gas station. I hop in and we both acknowledge that its pretty dumb for her to be picking up strangers while we're still in single digit a.m. She gives me a ride to the gas station, & back to my car, I put gas & antifreeze in my car. Because the hazard lights had all but ran the battery down (don't ask cuz I dunno either) she even helped me jump my car. When my car srarted, I kissed my hands and raised them to the sky. She invited me to her church and I'm gonna go as soon as I'm done typing this.

This is my sermonette.

I don't know a lot about God. There are a lot of things I don't understand about who or what he is, how to live, how I should behave or the best way to live in harmony with him.

I do know this, though. God loves all of us more that we can ever fathom.

I know this too. God, whatever God is, likes it when we love each other.

I can't prove it but I can't prove the sun is gonna rise tomorrow either I just know it will

So, if you see somebody in need help 'em out. That's it. I promise I'll get back to writing some funny shit soon. Be blessed. - AS

Quotes from the Car Lot $EVEN

2006-02-08T05:15:00.000-08:00

After much delay....

I sell used cars. These are excerpts from my life at work

The Mouthpiece: Man, I'm SICK of lying to people!!!
Big LG: Shit, You in the wrong business then son.

I mean, no woman wants to look like a ho in front of her kids. - excerpts from FC III explaining the finer points of properly fuckin someone else's baby mama.

Buyers are liars - Big LG

AS: You're a nig-ger
CA: Hey bro, we all gotta be somethin'

I mean he keeps threatenin me but there's nothin he can do to me. My parents are rich. I'm not here for the money. - The indominable FC III

I'm gonna walk up to her & tell her, "Look, I just wanna fuck ya, I don't care how much it cost." -Courtship Mouthpiece style.

Artzilla: I don't like anything about you!!! You come through here, click clacking in ya boots. You're disrespecting the game!!! You're always late. Readin' books at ya desk. You've got no respect for the game. Frankly, you're pissin me off!!!
AS: Okaaaay. Is there ANYthing I do right?
Artzilla: I mean... you alright with customers 'n shit.

Who needs that Sigma 6 bullshit, anyway?

Cuz opening doors is sooo '95 - One of my customers explaination to me why she HAD to have keyless remote entry on her car.

It's a shame that my entire birthday weekend revolves around tobacco, liquor, marijuana and naked women - AS

I be askin' her "You ain't got no boyfriend, yet?" and she be like "I ain't got time fo no man." So I be like "Ahight, uhh, can you fix this deal, please" - 2kool4skool recounting the recurring conversation he has with a certain employee in the business office.

I just wanna fuck her so bad. Look I tell you what, I'll trade ya. - B Gizzle

A perfect illustration that in the world of a salesman everythings negotiable.

Shiiit, liquor and naked hoes!!! Why wouldn't I be there. - 2kool4skool's informal RSVP to my birthday party at the Tap.

What is this country coming to when a man has to fear being anally raped at work. - FC III

I dunno FC. Sadly, I just don't know

27

2006-02-08T04:49:00.000-08:00

I turned 27 yesterday, February 7 2006. It was one of the best birthdays I ever had. I sold 2 cars which I'm very grateful for. One lesson that the car business has firmly solidified is that nothing in this life happens unless The Big Homie signs off on it. Understanding this and knowing the benevolence of God has been a major factor in staving off any homicidal/suicidal urges that can arise from dealing with life's perceived misfortunes. There are very few things that give you the feeling.... the sense of accomplishment....the rush that you get from closing a sale. So to be able to taste that twice in one day... all I know is somebody upstairs really loves me.

Which brings me to the most important reason this was one of the best birthdays ever. I haven't felt such an outpouring of love in a long time. I'm truly blessed to be in the company of such loving and loyal men & women. You all are my greatest joy and my greatest wealth and I love all of you. I'll do my best to live up to the example you all have shown. Know that when MY ship comes in we ALL going sailing. Bahkkah-lahkkah-lahkkah Muhammad Jihad!!!!!

The Age of Aquarius

2006-02-01T09:20:00.000-08:00

February is a special month. It's Black History month. It's got Valentine's Day & President's Day. But most importantly (for me) my birthday. Ahhhh, The Aquarius. I didn't really understand what it meant to be an Aquarius until recently. We are the waterbearers. KVT described it best, Aquarii show up, splash everything with water then dissappear. What can I say.... we like it wet. We're good-hearted, wild, overtly sexual, charming, competitive, humanitarian, idealistic, childlike, innocent, but most importantly THE BEST.

So here is a guide to the Aqaurii who you might not have known were Aquarii

Richard Dean Anderson - That's right, bitch. McGyver's a muthafuckin waterbearer. We're resourceful as shit. Put us any predicament and watch the magic unfold. I made less than a $1,000 last month and still managed to buy a house for $10. Aquarii have a penchant for just falling into success.

Tiffany-Amber Thiessen - The baddest white bitch in all of Bayside High. Muthafuckin Kelly Kapowski is an Aquarius.

Tatyana Ali - Ashley Banks, nigga!!!! Aquarius.

Pops - My dad. The nicest guy in the world. He's bailed my ass outta more jams then I can (or care to) count. I shit you not, the man made the down payment for our 1st house with quarters he had saved while working as a skycap at Morehouse. Muthafuckin' quarters.

Eartha Kitt - Like I said Aquarii are highly sexual people. The REAL Catwoman is, of course, an Aquarius

Eddie Van Halen - One of the greatest guitar players of all time? Oh, hell yeah. Jump, Hot for Teacher and the guitar solo in Beat It.

Ellen - The world's most beloved dyke be splashing dat water.

LudaVince/RocaVince - One of my personal heroes, aka Pedro Alvares Cabral (google it). This man is a muthafuckin conquistador. The quintessence of a corporate thug. LudaVince is a muthafuckin character. An inspiration to all men, he embodies some truly great Aquarian qualities. First off, he is an explorer; he travels to Latin America at least 3 times a year. Secondly, like most Aquarii he is oft misunderstood. For instance, he was banned from Brazil by his wife when she found photos from one of his excursions. She just didn't understand that he was at a birthday party and in Brazil, ALL the women are topless at birthday parties. He deserves an award for the mission work he has done in Brazil and I look foward to continuing to carry on his work of service in the years to come. Like all great Aquarians, he is persistant & a great humanitarian. Despite being unjustly banned from Brazil, he continues his mission of philanthropy in such countries as the Dominican Republic and Argentina.

Sabu, Tommy Dreamer, Ken Shamrock, The Big Show, The Honky Tonk Man, & The Million Dollar Man - All Aquarians are innovative at whatever they do. Sabu is the first wrestler I've ever seen put a woman through a table. Tommy Dreamer is the first person I've ever seen drop kick a steel chair into someone's nuts. Shamrock's crazy. Big Show's ...big. The Honky Tonk dressed in a sequence Elvis suit and hit people in the head with a guitar and The Million Dollar Man had a servant named Virgil, choked people out, and then stuffed a $100 bill in their mouth. (A stunt I once recreated in high school except I only had a $1 bill).

Rick James- The King of Funk. THE manwhore of the 80's. Aquarians often have a flair for extravagance. Dave Chappelle biographical reenactment of his life is a perfect illustration of the water bearer's wild side.

Bobby Brown - The muthafucka left his wife in the middle of Utah stranded on a road trip to see the nation. If you want to understand more of the Aquarian wild side, you can watch Being Bobby Brown.

Tom Selleck - That's right. Magnum P.I. , nigga.

Oprah - The Baddest Bitch. If Jesus was a woman, he woulda been Oprah. Oprah said she was never gonna eat another hamburger again and the cattle industry sued her for loss of profits. She picks up a book and it's a fuckin best seller. Aquarii are always extremely popular and influential.

Michael Jordan - The Best Basketball Player Of All Time???? Shiiiiiiit......Jordan.

Morehouse College - Founded in the 2nd week of The Month of Love. If you've read the above and have ever been to MC. You can see it's truly Aquarian nature.

Chris Rock & Chris Farley - The Two Funniest comedians of the 90's display another quality of the hydrators. We're often late-bloomers.

Bob Marley & Garth Brooks - The biggest names in their respective genres of music. Bob Marley had, like many Aquarii have, the dilemma of having too much love to give. He solved this by making beautiful music which has been the soundtrack/inspiration for so many of our young drunk college age white men to hit kegstands and/or bongs to, & having as many children out of wedlock as his short life would allow.

So the next time I go speak at a career day while unemployed, espouse the evils of capitalism while working on my next business plan, discuss my fidelity in my 2 monogamous relationships, get fired from yet another job & explain to my boss, "It's okay I woulda fired me, too." and in general just do some more wild ass shit. Know that it's in part to being born on 2/7/79.

Quotes from the Car Lot VI

2006-01-17T07:45:00.000-08:00

I sell used cars. These are excerpts from my life at work.

Bogue: I want my credit report. I don't want anyone stealing my identity
2kool4skool: Steal yo identity and do what? We can't do nothin with that. We can't make it any worse than it already is.

"You don't know me. Call yo wife. I'll fuck you and yo wife up" - The Count of Candler Rd keeping it trill with a co-worker

"I love you too much to argue with you." - Chainsaw

"Shit, make a nigga wanna go home and drink a fodie on da front poach." - 2kool4skool reminiscing over Dr. Dre's the Chronic.

"You ever seen that movie Karate Kid. Well, from now on you're the Karate Kid. From now on when I tell you to buff the deck, you buff the deck." - Artzilla giving a new inquisitive salesman his employee orientation.

I ain't gettin no pussy, bitch you gettin some dick!!! - 2kool4skool

I TOLD dem muthafuckas I was gonna get a F150. THANK YOU, KATRINA!!!! - Bogue from New Orleans who took his hurricane money and bought a 99 Ford F150 with 199,000 miles

Keys to Sanity 1: The difference between a good day and a shitty one

2006-01-14T17:34:00.000-08:00

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and spiritual wickedness in high places. - Paraphrase of Ephesians 6:12

Men are not shaken by things that happen, but by their opinion of things that happen. - Epictetus

We are responsible for the effort, God is responsible for the results. - Unknown

I went into work today determined to sell 4 cars. A lofty goal but shit, as the Great Gretzky once said, "You miss 100% of all shots you don't take." You underdig. The day was looking good. I got to work EARLY which unless you know me you can't truly appreciate the magnitude of this Heraclean feat. Following the maxim of personal responsibility, I had procured 3 appointments because I understand that I am responsible for getting my own customers. I was dressed to kill fully prepared to rip some faces off ( car biz slang for make lots of money). It was 40 degrees and with the wind chill factor it was probably 10-15 degrees colder than that. I didn't give a fuck. I was out on the point (outside on the lot waiting for customers to show up),alone with Ipod in hand bumpin Bilal and Cannibal Ox.

Appointments often don't show and people rarely have the courtesy to call and cancel so I was gonna trap as if I had nothing scheduled. My 10:00 didn't show. Who the fuck cares. Stood out on the point for another 45 min in the cold before the 1st up (customer) showed up. I was on him before anyone else even had a chance. He refused to come inside in the heat and talk. Who the fuck cares. After about 10 min of conversation about him, his wife, his trade-in, his Orange '69 Dodge Charger, and The Dukes of Hazzard, I close him on testdriving a 1998 Black Toyota Sienna XLE with 122 thousand miles on it, priced at $8991. In the test drive, it comes out that he has 9 grand cash. This is a deal. He loves the minivan so we set an appointment for tomorrow at noon when he can come back with his wife.

I get back on the point. 5 min later a couple pulls up in a beat up ass Nissan pick up. Ding, ding, ding!!! For some reason people in beat up ass Japanese pick ups always have bangin credit. This is a greeeaaat up!!! Dude is lookin for a 4 wheel drive Xterra for under 20K and he has his own financing. This is the equivalent to shooting a free throw. He knew exactly what he wanted and already had the money to buy it. All I had to do was find the car. Balance, eye, elbow, followthrough. 4x4 Xterras are tough to find though. We didn't have any but who the fuck cares. We did have a 4 wheel drive Pathfinder w/ 78,ooo miles at our Marietta store. I was all set to take 'em to the Marietta store when they asked to see the black S.E. (Xterra) on the lot. Cool, that saves me about an hour and a half: let's run it. Pulled the S.E. into our service garage and demo'd the shit out of the car. (demo means to display a car to customer and highlight all it's benefits and features.) Take the long test drive route , which hits both the highway and a nice scenic route, to make sure this muthafucka falls in love with the car. When we get back, I go inside and try a trial close. Dude says he really wants something with 4wd after checking wit LG on how he wanted me to handle it, I let him walk.

Lazy hoing don't get paid so I get back on the point. By this time, some of the other salesmen have gotten ups by now. My 12:00 didn't show up but fuck it, who cares!!! Catch another up, a young kid around in a '89 5-speed bronco. He asks if we work with first-time buyers, so I close him on coming inside and pulling his credit in like 2min. This is great because it allows us to cut to the chase and see who's fuckin and who's not... figuratively speaking. Kid is a ghost ( has no credit) but he does have a co-signer. Coincidentally, his birthday is the day after mine. I always get excited to find people have birthdays around mine since growing up it seemed like I was the only kid born in February. Also, Aquariuses are almost always amiable, amicable and affable allies in automoblie acquisitions. (Allan's all about aliteration, AAAAAAYYYY!!!) (I'm a nerd, I know.) Kid tries to find his co-signor meanwhile I try and find him a 4x4, 5-speed, Wrangler for under 10 (grand). Much to my surprise, I found one. I go back and he's still trying to get in touch with his potential co-signor. The Co-signor still isn't pickin up the phone so I let the kid go.

By this time it's 2:30pm and none of my appointments have shown or called. I get on the horn to do some follow-ups. I call my 12:00 first. She's a young girl that goes to my church that is looking for a car. As is the case with most urban negro women under age of 21, her answering machine has some bullshit, saccharine, R&B song as the backdrop. The message was typical of people who have had their own phone line for a relatively short period of time and have no concerns about achieving any real gainful employment. She managed to work the phrase "shawty, chill witcha foak" into the message. The striking contrast of this to the soulful stylings of Joe/Avant/Tyrese/Jaheim or whatever 3rd tier R&B singer it was, created a comic effect that woulda been pure genius if it had not been serious.

A small working glossary of car biz slang

2006-01-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

Used car salesmen. We're the scum of the earth. The dredges of society or as The Mouthpiece once said " Dawg, we're the juice at the bottom of the trashcan." We're also the horses that drive this chariot of American free enterprise. We are the true face of capitalism. Our M.O. is predatory deception.

It's not our fault really. We work exclusively on comission which means it's to our benefit to get as much for our product as we can. We get paid a percentage of the profits of every car we sell. This means that if the dealership purchases a car for 10K and I sell it for 11K then I get paid a percentage of 1K profit (that's 11-10 for those of you keeping score at home). So, it's not about how much a car costs to us it's about how much it's been marked up.

Now this isnt a job like most jobs. Most jobs you go to work, you service clients whether they be internal or external, you rent your time for money and go home with a predetermined amount of income at the end of the pay period.

Selling cars is different. Oh, we have clients but our income is based upon how well work with (and work) our clients. To make matters more interesting, every customer we have wants to make sure we make as little money as possible. No matter what the price of the car, people think it's too high. People think they can offer you 12K cash for a 32K dollar car and you'll all of a sudden meet them around back with the keys, take the cash and go to Visions for a 12k dollar heroin party. We had a Suburban on the lot marked at $13,991 and everyone was trying to buy it for around 11K So yesterday we marked it to $11,991 and we had 2 offers on it for for around 9k. Everybody wants to ride big but very few want to pay big.

Needless to say a certain amount of "creativity", as Chainsaw would call it, is inherent in the business. Ultimately, what's a fair price is what you and the customer can agree on as fair. Coming to the agreement can be the hard part though. And this would be all fine and dandy except for the constant threat of eviction and/or repossesion looming in the periphery of each sales transaction. For the customer, it's about finding a car they like that fits their needs and (sometimes) their budget. For us, it's about whether I can pay my car note this month (please God) or if I'm gonna have to pull my ski mask out of my drawer and go "trick or treating" at Emory this weekend.

The sales process is all about control. You can't sell a person you can't control, period. Control isn't about giving orders, although sometimes it does involve giving orders. FC, once had a customer who was going to walk from the table until he yelled, " NO, SIT DOWN!!! WE'RE NOT DONE YET!!!" (I don't know why but one exclamation point is never enough. You never need, like 3 periods or 3 commas...?) But you gotta get people to like you before they trust you and they have to trust you before you can lead them and you HAVE to lead them if you want to sell 'em. Even if you all can do all that THEY have to be able to buy and you have to find a car that they like AND can afford. A lot of people have cocaine plans with weed money. The sheer number of factors that have to align for a sale to happen are astronomical. CA (get well soon, homie. We miss you.), said it best, "Bro, anytime we sell a car, it's a miracle."

So as you can imagine selling cars is a culture all its own and as with any culture we have our own lingo. I've taken the liberty here to define a few choice terms that are part of my everyday lexicon selling used cars.

The Lot: The place where the cars are parked that we sell.

The Floor: Not an actual place but refers to the amount of salespeople on staff.

The Point: The place on the lot where salespeople wait for customers to show up. The point it's not so much a particular place but a strategic vantage point you try to get over other salesmen. Sorta like boxing out in the paint in basketball

Up: The verb form means to greet a customer on the lot and begin the sales process. The noun form refers to a customer that you have just greeted on the lot. So, I up customers on the lot and that person becomes my up.

Blow Out: When a customer leaves before the sale is completed

Blow'em out: To get rid of a customer usually one who can't buy or is wasting time.

Bogues: Pronounced like vogue with a B. Derived from the english word bogus. This terms applies to someone with fucked up credit (600 or below). It's not that we hate bogues. Truthfully they're the lifeblood of our business. But most of the time they are psychologically taxing to deal with. 1) The Big Homie has a wonderfully dark sense of humor. Most of the time it's a struggle to get people to admit they even want a car. So as a salesman, when you meet someone who openly expresses that they want a car, you should be happy, right?

I remember the first time this happened. Ol' girl had to have a car, Too-day!!! She just wanted to be under $400 a month in a 4-door car. I show her this white 02 Altima with 46k miles. I demo the car. She loves it. By the end of the test drive she was "licking the paint." We're walking back to the showroom, both of us, excited as hell. We laughing, joking... having a goood ass time. I get her to fill out a credit app and go take the app to LG. LG put her info into the system, looked at the screen and recoiled in horror

LG: Eeewwwww, She rotten dawg.
AS: Rotten?
LG: She gotta 427 Equifax and 474 Transunion.
Chainsaw: She's a bogue.
AS: Bogue?
Chainsaw: She ain't never paid nobody in her whole life. She ain't even paid attention.
AS: So, what are we gonna do?
LG: She got cash?
AS: Yeah, she's got $500
Chainsaw: Look, you need to blow her out and get you a customer.

This is the problem with bogues from a work standpoint. 1) If you're not careful you could waste a lotta time with them; time you could be spending with someone who could actually buy.
2) You get all excited because you think you gotta lay-up and you find out you got nothing. Meanwhile, everyone else on the floor has upped customers that they end up selling. This psychologically taxing process of hope, excitement, dissapointment, frustration, anger I've since learned to guard myself against. As a rule of thumb, if someone is eager to get a car, I know that statistically the chances of them being in the 500's (if I'm lucky) are almost a lock. The 1st thing I do is get a credit app. This saves both me and the bogue time and me heartache. The only thing that's more frustrating than a bogue who can't buy is a bogue who can buy but doesn't want what they can afford. The term I have coined for this phenomenom is cocaine plans with weed money. First off, the interest rate a bogue is gonna get is going to be AT LEAST 17 percent and that's IF they're lucky. More than likely the rate is gonna be in the low twenties. This means that the can afford about 3/5 the car for the same monthly payment as someone with decent credit. As a black man, the irony of this has not gone unnoticed.

Point being that when they want a car with leather, roof and power seats and they wanna be under $300 a month and I, inevitably, show them to the '02 Taurus/ '99 escort/'00 neon that they can actually afford, 9 times out of 10 they get mad at me, like I was the one NOT paying their bills. The only thing you can do at this point is blow 'em out. Old Man Gates used to kick at their car and scream, "Punt, Muthafucka!!!" as the bogues would drive away.

2kool4skool has a great approach for dealing w/ bogues that I'm gonna adopt, though. He has fun with them. For instance one time a bogue was trying to buy a $30,000 Maxima and be at $300. So after, he pulls the guys credit and sees he's rotten. He gives him a menu that has him at $300/ month for 72 months..... with $20,000 down. Dude gets all upset like "I ain't got $20,000 to put down!!!" To which 2kool replies well that's what it's gonna take to get you at $300 a month. He'll also cuss at them from time to time. The trick is to be completely professional for most of your presentation but if they say something rediculous, cuss at them. I.E:

2kool4skool: The price on this Altima is $21,990
Customer: $21,990?!? I'll give you 14 for it.
2kool4skool: Fuck no!!!

or

Customer: I saw a Maxima down at Town Center for 21.
2kool4skool: Shiiit, you shoulda bought that one.

or

2kool4skool: 9k for an '05 Sentra, No fuckin way.

It's fighting fire with fire or in this case the rediculous with the rediculous. Now, you can't do this with everyone but apparently this technique even works on old women.

How can I ever work anywhere else?

Some of the most ignorant shit I've ever heard in my life... Part 2

2006-01-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

The title says it all. The quotes speak for themselves.

Violator: You're so beautiful! I just love the natural look you rockin.
BB: Awwwww, Thank you!
Violator: I mean straight up. You make a nigga wanna give you this natural dick.

Goo: Ma, you don't wanna see King Kong. It's real graphic
Mom: Graphic like what? The monkey have sex with the woman?
AS: Noooo!!!!
Mom: Oh. Cuz I was gonna say I wanna see that.

"Sweet Jones in the house tonight and I'm gon finda bitch & fuck every hole in sight." - excerpts from a Sweet Jones freestyle

"That don't count. It's old pussy. It's only cheatin if you go out and get new pussy." - Malice

2 weeks later....

Malice: That don't count. It's new pussy. It's only cheatin if go back to old pussy.
AS: I thought it was the other way around.
Malice: Weeell, Whatever I'm doin at the time, that's what don't count.

Blood, It's like dis. You either feeeel me or fuuck you. - Rick Jones on why he refused to change what is undoubtedly the worst resume I've ever seen.

AS: Mom, you ever smoked weed before?
Mom: Mmmm?..............yeah.
AS: Did you like it?
Mom: Mmmm?..............yeah. But that was before I met yo daddy and gave my life to the Lawd.

There's hope for us all.

"So, two hours later I had my finger right in the center of her asshole." - CJB Jr.

"C'moooooooooooooooon miscarriage!!!"- AS

A Page Out of the Heathen Saint Bible 2

2006-01-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

Today, whatever day it is you read this, I encourage you to go out and FAIL. Just pick something to do and completely fuck it up. I encourage you to go a resturaunt, order something you would never order with the hope that it tastes awful. Pick an insanely beuatiful member of the opposite sex and holla at them. If you end up embarrasing yourself that's all the better. Today, you should make a mistake. You should seriously make an effort to fuck up today. Go do something that you have no idea will work and just watch it all fall apart in your face.

I don't know when some of us (self included) became afraid of failure. I think if children had the mindset of most adults there would be a lot less of us walking right now. It was either, Feuerbach or Hegel, that broke down all progress into 3 parts: Thesis, Antithesis, & Synthesis. I know, explain it like you would explain it to a 2nd grader.

Ok, you have an idea that solves all your problems. This is your thesis. Eventually, you come across a new problem where your idea doesn't work anymore. This is your antithesis. So you then form a new idea that solves your new problem plus all your old problems. This is your synthesis.

This is the process you went through to learn how to walk, talk, ride a bike, swim, add, spell, subtract, read, write, fight, do your taxes, solve a 1-dimensional Schroedinger equation for a harmonic oscillator, not shit your pants in public or any other activity you can do.

You tried. You failed. You tried again. You, probably, failed again. And then one day you got it right. This is how life seems to work.

So, if you don't fuck up, it won't get better.

Remember that next time you want something but are scared to go after it.

A page Out of the Heathen Saint Bible 1

2006-01-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

I find that the truth can always be expressed simply. Here are some words of wisdom that I strive to live by.

There are only two type of people in this world. There are balloons and there are weights. Balloons lift you up. Weights pull you down. Surround yourself with balloons. Stay away from weights. -KVT

The only thing I would add to this is that spotting weights and balloons is not always as easy as we think. I have had some people whom I absolutely adored that I realized where weights. Likewise, I have had some people who I didn't get along with who where balloons. I have had people who where balloons become weights and people who were weights become balloons. It boils down to is this person supporting my growth right now.

I believe every relationship you have is like an investment in your portfolio. Some relationships will greatly enrich you. Others will fuck around and bankrupt you. But positive or negative all relationships yield a return.

My advice to you (& me) is to choose wisely where & how you invest your time & energy with people.

It wasn't funny but it's worth sharing

Quotes from the Car Lot V

2006-01-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

I sell used cars. Here are some excerpts from my life at work.

I gotta bad memory and I can't spell but other than that I'm your guy. - B Gizzle

My daughter hit me with "Daddy, this isn't an Ipod." I said you li'l hussie. I woulda called her a bitch but that's my daughter. Na'am sayin. - Big LG

Ain't dat some shit. He on crutches, dey got an ugly ass dog, and there kid looks retarded. - AS

Be nice? I ain't even nice to yo ass. What the fuck I'mon be nice to him fo? - The Mouthpiece to the love of his life.

Shit, if it was easy, everybody'd be doin it. You can't make 50, 60 grand a year flippin burgers.
- Chainsaw on the car game

You know what my daughter would tell me if I came home and told her I quit. She'd say, "Muthafucka, you betta getta job!!!" - Big LG on the importance of gainful employment in his household.

The Mouthpiece: That's crazy, two deaf parents. Huh, how do you think they met?
AS: I dunno. Probably at Def Comedy Jam.

Hey, You wanna ride in class? Put your ass in fiberglaaasss!!! - Gilly Gil on why since 1974 the only thing rides is Corvettes.

2kool4skool: I tell you what's bumpin. Dat Dru Hill's greatest hits, Shiiiiit, I fucked aaaaall night to dat shit. I was straight up tryna make a baby to dat muhfucka.
AS: Don't you already gotta son?
2kool4skool: Dat's what I'm sayin!!! I had to turn dat shit off. He was bout to gitta li'l brotha.

Well, I figure my Spanish is better than their English. So we'll just meet somewhere in the middle. - AS

Shiiiiit, when you chillin wit the Romans, do as the Romans say, not as they do. - Big LG layin down the law of Corporate America.

OH SHIT!!!! IT'S 0 SIX

2006-01-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

One of the few vestiges of my very religious upbringing that I still give any countenance to is Watchnight Service. Watchnight Service dates back to slavery times when slaves would bring in the new year together in church... or something like that. To be honest, I don't quite remember but it's one of the few days of the year you're guaranteed to find my ass in church. Yup, I'm gon bring in the new year with "The Lawd". Now, I know that the "Lawd" is omnipresent and that by the modus ponens (If P then Q; P therefore Q) I technically can't bring in the new year w/o "The Lawd". Unfortunately, The Revs. Michael & Felecia Smith (my parents) could give a fuck about modus ponens, modus tollens, or any other logical argument I could construct concerning the omnipresence of God. All that matters is that their son better give "The Lawd" the respect he's due and enter the new year in praise and worship. So I go to Watchnight every year as much as out of respect for tradition as I do to bring in the new year with my family and assuage my parent's fears that I am a completely godless heathen speeding in the HOV lane to hell.

After service, I'm outside when my Cousin Billy or Herman or one of the sons of my grandfather's 12 brothers & sisters that I never talk to, proceeds to lay out an assortment of hood pyrotechnics in the bed of what looks like the first F150 ever made. These were small scale fireworks. Wouldn't surprise me if they were home made. When he set them off it was apparent that they were more fire than works. They looked like someone had connected jumper cables to the wrong terminals of a car battery. One of the explosives actually looked like an old car battery that he had set on fire.

This didn't stop a few of the younger kids at the church from marvelling at the display, though. As he continued to string together his homemade fireworks show the kids jumped up and down with excitement and delight. Did they care that the shit looked like an E & M (Electricty & Magnetism) lab gone horribly wrong? Not in the least. All they saw was sparks coming from objects out the back of a beat up truck and that's all they needed to be ecstatic.

It reminded me of the title of this blog. I know so many times I get caught up in focusing on the proverbial bullshit that I forget how great life is. Life, this ocean that we all swim in, is such a beuatiful thing. Life is beuatiful whether you know it or not is something I tell myself to remind me of this fact when it seems like the shit won't stop hitting the fan. Most matters in life are more about perception than anything and since my perception of events is the thing most in my control, I figured out I better figure out the what the beauty is in any situation. I encourage you all to practice this as it will keep you from killing yourself and/or others when times get tough.

But at that particular moment, I had to stop & thank the Big Homie. In the heart of the hood, surrounded by the sound of distant and not so distant gunshots, I was allowed to see this moment of beauty to start off my new year. I just felt grateful to be alive in the "ocean".

Please take time as often as you can to observe the beauty of life this year.

Happy New Year. - AS

Qoutes from the Car Lot IV

2005-12-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

In the absense of knowledge, the illusion will do. - Chainsaw

I'm a FATASS!!! - CA

That's the great thing about this place. You got a bunch of lazy muhfuckas walkin around calling everyone else lazy - BG

Damn bro, you workin hard for that pussy ain't ya? - CA

MS: I'm sick of it. This is like the eight time I've been prophesised to at church.
AS: Well, maybe you should fuckin listen.

Chainsaw: How bout some Sade.
BGizzle: I used to hit that.
Chainsaw: So, That's what you call your right hand.

AS: So what did you have in mind for payments?
Redneck woman: We wanted to be around $300 a month
AS: Well, we're not gonna be @ $300 a month on this car
Redneck woman: I know. We was plannin to jew ya down a li'l bit.

ANYONE who DOESN't like Beyonce is a FAG - A very offended BG to Chainsaw after he suggested that Beyonce is unattractive

How bout you cosign for me and we use your comission as the down payment. - Bogue customer to CA. Bogue is car business slang for someone w/ fucked up credit

After 5 years 4 months.....

2005-12-27T17:37:00.000-08:00

I finally cut off my locks. The decision was simple actually i just looked in the mirror and knew it was time. 5 years 4 months to grow 'em & aproximately 30 seconds to shear them off. I didn't tell anyone I was gonna do it I just let them find out for themselves when they saw me. Here are a few of my favorite reactions.

You actually look like a citizen - Chainsaw

Ooooohh, do you have a girlfriend? You're gonna get one soon. - Donna in the office

I was like "Hol' up. Who da fuck dis nigga is rolling up on me like he know me or some shit." - BG

Laaaaaawwwd, I got my grandson back - Grandma Lizzie

I feel like I have a brand new friend!!! - VJB

Now that's what I'm talking about son! Corporate America! I believe you just might be alright. - LG

Nigga, did you get a new job?!?!? - Luther

You get saved this weekend?- MS

Awwwwwww, You gon be pullin bitches left and right, now. - My sister

It Kriah-muh taiiii!!!! (It's Christmas Time)

2005-12-25T09:58:00.000-08:00

As I reflect upon this holiday season, and look at the many text messages on my phone I realize that I am rich in friendship. Unfortunately, right now I don't have anywhere near the financial resources to give all (or any for that matter) of my loved ones gifts this Kriah-muh season. But they say that It's the thought that count so......

Violator: The last of the stand up guys. The depth of your loyalty, generosity, and friendship never ceases to amaze me. One day (soon), when my real estate empire materializes and you get out of school with your 3 doctorates and your 4 masters we will take VD to a whole new level. Even though, I miss the days of you running around biting chicks on the ass, I'm glad you have found love, dawg. I guess we all have to grow up, eventually. And you got a good one. I see you and her together and it does my heart good. Black Love is some beautiful shit!!! It doesn't need to be said but I'm gonna say it anyway. Whatever, I got you, you got. I appreciate your friendship more than you'll ever know.

Sweet Jones: You are by far the funniest muthafucka I have ever met in my life. In a lotta ways we're different sides of the same coin. The years in Headquarter's have been some of the best year's of my life. You don't know how many depressing days that you made bearable with your own unique philosophy. Rarely, are members of one family born in the same house. I consider you a brother. And know that if you're ever too drunk to walk, I'll be there to carry you (again).

Champagne Shane: Or Donnie Vegas or whatever you decide to call yourself next. Nigga, you are CRAZY. But when you're born on February 7th how can you be anything but crazy. The day I get half of your focus and work ethic is the day I become a trillionaire. You are stubborn, cocky, arrogant and vain and these qualities are precisely what will make you successful at whatever you do. It never ceases to amaze me how you manage to bless me with exactly the right advice exactly when I need to hear it. The Chi ain't ready. I just want to take this time to thank you for your friendship.

You, Chip and Malice are like the brother's I always wanted growing up. So whether we, violating, poppin the bubbly, or sprinklin sugar ... It's 1 for all, all for 1. I dunno I guess we need to come up with a motto. Merry X-mas, niggas.

BAM: Myyy Nigga!!! The Everlistening Ear. There's nothing I can't talk to you about. You don't sugarcoat shit. You let me know when I'm fuckin up. I dissappear and reappear but I've always got your back. May '06 bring you success and prosperity

DFM: Thank you for being a friend. Travelled up & down the road again. Your heart is true you're a pal and a confidante. AND IF you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend!"

I apologize (again) for leaving you stranded in Buckhead on 8/25/02. You are right, "pulling an ex-con off of a Christ freak" is no excuse for not coming to your aid in your time of need. You are right, "what black person hasn't broken up a fight." Seriously, there have been times when I have let you down as a friend and for those times, i truly am sorry. When you needed me this year I fell short. I am awful at comforting people through serious moments of crisis. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. You are still and will always be my favorite chocolate girl from MS.

Flaggs: Oh, the places you'll go. My twin brother. Son of Gooch. One of my closest friends. Although are schedules don't allow us to talk as much as we should whenever, we do speak we always pick up as if we were still in LL6. There's noone that understands my plight like you do. We are peas from the same pod. I've learned more from you than you'll ever know. Watching you unabashedly march to the beat of your own drum machine is a big reason I am who I am today. I know you are a private individual and like to handle problems yourself. Just know that whether you need some one to talk to or need to plan an assasination... I'm a phone call away

PRH: The live wire. Mr. Make it happen. My brother. Your boundless energy and ability to make the most of what you've got are unlike anything I've ever seen. You are a natural born the leader and the day you focus on what you want the world becomes yours. Thank you for being there in my time of need. Don't worry, Hawaii in '06.

EAR: You are a genius and a constant reminder to always follow my dreams. I've told you this before but you saved my life and for that I don't know if I can ever repay you. I'm really proud of you and the success you're having. I consider you my oldest & best friend. There are talks I've had with you that have completely changed the way I view life. I know you're an atheist but you have been the single biggest blessing that The Big Homie has sent to me. It does my heart good 2 see you living your dreams and happy. Know that regardless if you're ni9e, fi5e, 1ne, or 100ndred anything you need from me, just ask. You have my eternal support.

VJB: You are a true friend. You'll never know how many days I was trying to figure out how I was going to eat something besides cereal and you called to go grab a bite to eat. There are too many wonderful things about you for me to list in a paragraph. The day you believe these things about yourself, though is the day it all comes together for you. Remember your past does not determine your future. I'm so glad to see you happy. You deserve happiness, remember that. It's Xmas, biatch.

Goo: I can't believe the amazing woman that you are growing to be. You are the funniest woman alive. Somewhere, along the line you have developed a keen sense of justice as well. Thank you for being my legal defense w/ Mom & Dad. There's shit you can get away saying to them that I could never say to them in a million years. It's been a rough year for both of us. I understand all too well what it is to pursue a dream only to watch everything spin out of control and fall apart. You have to understand that 1) Failure only occurs when you quit. 2) In pursuing your dream you WILL ALWAYS be tested. Learn to take on responsibility w/o feelin guilty. You know you did your best and that's the ONLY thing that matters. The biggest blessings I have ever received have been after the biggest rejections I've seen. Remember this and know this as a truth: THERE IS NO STRUGGLE WITHOUT VICTORY AND NO VICTORY WITHOUT STRUGGLE. You already are a great teacher. Keep your head up high and know that your big brother isn't above kickin a little kid's ass.

To anyone else I haven't mentioned: If I outsourced the task to an Indonesian sweatshop, I still couldn't write all that I needed to express the humility and gratitude for you all being a part of my life. I love all of you, though and your friendship has been canned goods after more hurricanes than you know. Merry X-mas to all of you and may '06 be kind to you all.

New Shit!!!

2005-12-20T20:56:00.000-08:00

I just added another story called: THE CASE FOR TRUTH BEING STRANGER THAN FICTION. EXHIBIT B:The Day I Fell in Love with Those Pesky Lefthanded Cigarettes.

Because I started it on 12/14 it appears right after the King Kong post instead of at the top as a new entry. Enjoy - Heathen Saint

The 40 "Ignannest" Songs to Ever Come Out of Atlanta

2005-12-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

I'm a connoiseur of ignorance, if you can't tell. And while I appreciate the ignorance of other places, nothing can compare to the shit you will see in the A. The potency of it. The way it is constantly evolves, explores new boundaries and then smashes them. There's no place like home. There's no greater feeling than turning on the radio and laughing your ass off because you can't believe that they put this shit on the radio. And then watching that same song be #1 in the city for the next 2 months. This is a list of The most ignorant shit that the Atlanta music scene has ever put out. F.I.L.A. Nigga!!!

Quotes from the Car Lot 3

2005-12-17T12:03:00.000-08:00

The human pussy is an amazing thing. Can't wear 'em out. Lord knows I tried to wear out a few - Old Man Gates

AS: Aquariuses are like the wind, we can't settle down.
M: Nah, bro. I've setlled down. . . I like whores, though.

"Ahhhhh, Don't gimme that Black shit!" - Chainsaw's response to charges of discrimination

"I'm tellin yall that's a dude. I mean look; she's got dude features." - LG

"I don't even really like white people, I just like white bitches." - Old Man Gates

"THAT is an INCREDIBLE ass." -AS

"You betta not be ova there typin on Bullshit.com, either." LG

Some of the most ignorant shit I've ever heard in my life... Part 1

2005-12-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

Title says it all. The quotes speak for themselves.

Why these bitches be actin like dey ain't hoes? - PRH

She trusted me, so I tricked her. - The Violator

You know how I do, blindin these bitches with the bubbly. - Champagne Shane

It look likes someone was playing Tetris in her mouth and lost. - Bitchmasta Smoov describing an orthodontic nightmare.

You know I thought about my 3 great ones but when I really look back, I realized, it was just me. - Donnie Vegas reflecting on his 3 greatest lovers.

What you gotta realize is that he likes you more than he loves her. - Dig dis 1 illustrating the power of a great wingman

I tell you how I know I love her, because I've never called her a bitch. I mean not even behind her back. - Malice in love

Naah, B. That wasn't a Happy Meal. It was a nasty meal. - The Violator on a dissapointing sexual Escapade with a girl named Camille.

So I had to hit her with the 5 Pumps of Thunder... - Champagne Shane recounting one of his many sexual escapades

I don't love her but I love fuckin her. - Bitchmasta Smoov

Naah dawg, I don't fuck wit vodka. Vodka get ya naked. - Malice

All 3+ hours of Peter Jackson's KING KONG summed up in under 10 seconds.

2005-12-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

1) Any place called Skull Island is called Skull Island for a FUCKIN reason.

-and-

2) Runnin around chasing white women will either get yo monkey ass jumped, locked up or shot.

THE CASE FOR TRUTH BEING STRANGER THAN FICTION. EXHIBIT B:The Day I Fell in Love with Those Pesky Lefthanded Cigarettes

2005-12-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

Preface

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken." - Tyler Durden

Likewise, the act of smoking weed does not make you a smoker. Smoker in this context implies a passion for gettin blowed. Casually smoking at social functions doesn't qualify you as a smoker. Strategically smoking before events (and there are many) you feel merit psychotropic enhancement qualifies you. Having a contact for weed doesn't necessarily make you a smoker. When the dealer contacts YOU to let you know he's re-upped, you are a smoker. The first time you consider investing in paraphenalia, you might be a smoker. The first time you make paraphenalia out of household appliances, "might" is no longer in the equation. You, my friend, are a smoker.

Before August 25th of 2002, I was not a smoker. Before June 8th 2001, I was totally opposed to smoking. Those, "this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs" commercials with the eggs and frying pan, those SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!! I didn't drink or smoke for years. How I came to smoke was when I was fifteen my best friend, ER, persistently would try to get me to smoke. His logic was "You are the funniest motherfucker I know, you'd be even funnier high." My rebuttal for this argument was "Dude, I cant' stop masturbating, if I like getting high, I'll never be able to stop. I'm gonna get addicted." As much as he assured me that addiction was impossible, I remained steadfast in my position. So one day after having this argument for umpteenth time he said,

ER: Alright, make me this promise. The first time you get high, it's gotta be with me.

AS: Alright, I promise the first time I smoke weed it'll be with you.

Every good salesman knows that no only means no right now. Persistence is the key to all things and everything changes with time and circumstance. So fast foward to June, 8th 2001 where a very drunk AS and an equally drunk ER, who haven't seen each other in a year decide to catch up and throw a few back. ER had just broken up with his girl, quit his job, packed up all his stuff in a Ryder truck and was en route from DC to LA.

ER: Dude, we gotta get high together.

AS: Man, I'm good

ER: Ohhhh, COME OOOON!!!! I fuckin quit my job, broke up with my girl, and am fuckin movin to LA. We GOTTA smoke together.

AS: I'm good, man. I'm cool.

ER: You promised me that the first time you ever got high, it would be with me. Now how often do we even get to see each other anymore. COME OOONNN!!!

He closed me. I mean between a fifth of vodka and a childhood promise backed by 7 years of friendship, how could I refuse?

But on August 25th 2002, I still wasn't a smoker. I could count on my hands the number of times on my hand I had toked since then. I was more of a drinker if anything.

Wierd thing is this weekend marked the first weekend I hadn't had a drink in years. I had the pleasure of hangin out w/4 of the craziest muthafuckas on the face of the earth. The five of us were like Voltron except our Blazing Sword was usually a bottle of E&J. One of my closest friends and most loyal drinking partners, Malice, had moved back to Philly a week earlier. Malice wasn't a an alcoholic because "alcoholics go to meetings dawg, I say I'm a drunk." Malice is one of those people who is a DRINKER. So much so, that everyone experiences an increase in alcohol consumption by close to 50% within a 2 block radius of him . My other comrade in the War on Sobriety, Champagne Shane, was in France for 4 months "to conquer these hoes like Alexander The Great". This despite the fact that he had only 2 years of beginner's Spanish (that's right Spanish) under his belt. Of course, that's not an obstacle for CS because "these hoes understand the language of love, dawg."

The decision to not drink this weekend wasn't because I felt like I needed to slow down or anything. It was more of a "what's the point of forming Voltron with the head and the arm gone?" With 2 of the Fab 5 MIA, I had just resigned to give the E&J a break. It wasn't gonna be the same without them.

There were still 3 of us here, though. This story involves the remaining 3 of the Fab 5.

The Day I Fell in Love with Those Pesky Lefthanded Cigarettes
-or-

Pride'll Get You Fucked Up

The Fab 5 consisted of Champagne Shane, Malice, JP Morgan, The Violator, and Yours Truly. Violator and Malice shared an apartment which was Ground Zero for so much of our debauchery that, after a while, we just dubbed it "Headquarters." When it came time for Malice to depart Atlanta and move back to Philly, renewing the lease on Headquarters was no longer an option. The Violator was forced to find a new place and new roommates.

Now, the place he found was a beuatiful duplex in Grant Park but why he picked, of all people Omari and Jason as roommates; I still have no fucking idea. These two made Rod and Todd Flanders look like Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. Omari, Vio, and I all attended the same church. Omari and Vio both being from Philly, more or less, hit it off immediately. Other than being a self righteous prick, he was a pretty good guy.

Jason and Omari came to know each other because they had been roomates since they both began the Teach For America program. Jason's nickname was Odie partially because he was high yellow and partially because he had about as much personality. J was a holy roller but for the most part mild mannered and easy to get along with. Omari, however, was a completely different beast. Zealot is the word that immediately comes to mind.

Now, my father pastors the church we went to and since the only people pastors can hang out with is other preachers, all of my "aunts and uncles" are preachers. Not only that but my mother preaches, my grandfather is a retired pastor, my other grandfather was a deacon, and my grandmother taught Sunday School for years. Dawg, I'm "church'd up", fo real. Up until about the age of 9 or 10, I thought EVERYBODY went to church. That being said,in my almost 27 years of life I have NEVER met a muthafucka like THIS. I'm sure in a past life (which, of course, is of the devil) he threw a meeeean witchhunt. It's one thing to live by your faith. I've grown up my entire life around men and women of faith. I understand the benefits of righteous living. O's actions bordered on fanaticism, though. It's as if he was "called" to deliver us all to his personal brand of salvation. A salvation which he crafted from very literal interpretaions of the Bible. I remember when we were helping him move in: I saw a prayer he had written in black magic marker going cattycorner on his matress. It said:

Lord, I plead your blood

upon this matress that

it may bind my flesh,

so that your humble servant

may not sin against you.

He signed the shit with a Jesus fish. The whole thing was just fucking wierd. He also had a way of trying to enforce his moral code upon everyone. But to quote The Violator once again, "Man, ain't nobody tryin to hear dat buullshit." And this is precisely were the conflicts began.

All though you might not know him personally, I'm sure, you can imagine that with a nickname like "The Violator" certain conflicts are bound to arise when sharing a living space with two indivduals as "on fire for Jesus" as OB and JB. These conflicts became glaringly apparent when we began to plan their housewarming party.

From the rip, I was charged with planning the party. Partially, because I was known for throwing the type of parties that made Moses come down from Mt. Sinai and smash his stone tablets and partly because when the cops (inevitably) showed up, I had an uncanny ability to talk my way out of incarceration and had saved all of our drunk asses on more than one occassion. Much like our president, I'm a uniter not a divider. I knew given our different lifestyles that this party would have a diverse crowd. When I casually asked for suggestions on the logistics of the party, O, immediately and ardently, stated, "there is going to be NO liquor in MY house."

I could hear Mills Lane's voice in my head:

ML: Gentleman, keep 'em above the belt. Touch gloves. Let's have a clean fight.

The argument that ensued was the verbal equivalent of watching two male rams fight over territory. Eventually, Omari decided that he didn't want anything to do with the party and that he & Jason would stay with a friend that night.

From my standpoint, this was perfect because we could just throw another heathenous affair.

By this point in my life, I had throwing a house party down to a precise science. The recipe is actually pretty simple. You get about $200 worth of liquor, make 2 gatorade coolers full of Everclear punch that you add a bunch of sugar to, to mask the taste. Find a Dj who'll work for liquor and invite only girls. Dudes seem to always find whereever women are anyway, so there's no point in inviting them. The last thing is if you're inviting Black people whatever time you want them to show up you need to tell them to be there 3 hours earlier. Ask me how I know this.

Everything, seemed to be great. Hell, we even had food which is something unheard of because any money put toward food, you can buy liquor with. My mom under the pretense of it being a nice Christian housewarming party offered to cater it. It was shaping up to be one for the ages.

Everything was set. Food was ready. Liquor was ready. The ladies had all RSVP'd. JP Morgan (a.k.a I. Rokwell) was on the 1's and 2's. Sun was shining. LET'S GET IT! But as I have learned in the car business whenever something is going too smoothly look out because the bullshit's coming.

About 2 hours before the party Odie's friends called and told him that they wouldn't be able to put him up for the night. That was cool, though. He understood that it was a house party and just asked that we do our best to keep things down so he could get some sleep. The party was cool, though. People were dancing. You had people outside on the porch drinking, playng spades and talking. There was a veritable cornucopia (I LOVE that word) of women, food and liquor. A real chill vibe.

It started to rain around 10pm but I didn't think anything of it. In English class, I believe they would've called this foreshadowing, though. Somewhere around 10:45, I gotta call from DF. Apparently, the "Canopy" had opened in Buckhead and because she had forgotten to roll up her windows, her car was now in about 2 ft of standing water and undriveable. She called me to come pick her up. To be honest, this was the last thing I had on my mind at this point. The same way a proud father wants to see his son walk across that stage on graduation day, I wanted to see this party crest into the wave of debauchery I had planned it to be. But I am nothing, if not loyal, so I grab my keys and jacket and head to my car.

Right as I am about to get onto the sidewalk none other than "Mr. Crunk 4 Christ" himself is being dropped off in front of the house. For some reason, Mozart's Dies Irae (Latin for Day of Wrath) started to play in my head. I, immediately, go into fireman mode and try and come up with a preemptive sol'n to what I KNOW is going to be a problem.

AS: What's up man? You home?

OB: I don't have anything to say to you. Where's Flip (aka Violator)

AS: He's in the house. You alright, man? I thought you where staying w/ Tracy tonight.

OB: I only want to talk to Flip. Where's Flip.

AS: Relax, dude I'll go get him.

Now even though he deserved to be smacked in the mouth for talking to me like that one of my personal mantra's is pride'll get you fucked up. Seeing this party continue and develop was more important than any confrontation I'd have with him at this point.

When Flip finally came out we did our best to find an option that would satisfy both parties. But it just wasn't happening.

OB: This party's over. I gotta be in the pulpit at 8 in the morning and I need to get some sleep.

AS: Dude, how bout this I'll give you the keys to my place. I live by myself. It's quiet. I'll just crash here, tonight.

OB: Nah, I already told you I don't have anything to say to you.

Vio: How bout this, you getta hotel room & I'll pay for half of it.

OB: Nah, you pay for ALL of it.

Vio: I can't afford to do that. I'm still in school. You work full time. It's a sacrifice for me to do half.

OB: If you don't pay for all of it then I'm staying here

Vio: FINE, Stay here then.

OB: I want the music turned down and I don't want to here any profanity. JP better ONLY play the clean version of these songs.

He was dead ass serious. This muthafucka, actually, wanted us to play the clean versions of everything for the rest of the night. I don't even know where to get "clean versions" and if I did I sure wouldn't plan my fuckin rotation around them. Recently, I saw Short Dog's in the House in the used section of one of my favorite record stores. It was like $5 and I'm a huge Too $hort fan, so I went ahead and copped it. I pop the CD into my CD player, anxiously waiting to hear an album I haven't heard in over 10 years, and it's the muthafuckin clean version. I WAS PISSED. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought about filing a complaint with The Better Business Bureau. I hate the clean version of anything as a matter of fact. Can you imagine this blog as: "Minus the Bullcrap, Life's Great!" It sounds fuckin retarded, right? All clean versions are retarded because the intent of the artist is still there and you just compromise the integrity of the song by removing or changing words. Words are just tools, anyway. What makes things vulgar or obscene is intent not words. For instance, if I tell a friend, "Nigga, no matter how bad shit gets, just know that I got yo muthafuckin back." It sounds more genuine and heartfelt than if I said, "I will always be here for you." That's an expression of unconditional love and support. That's the essence of how Jesus taught us to treat each other. On the other hand I can tell a woman, "I want to have unprotected anal sex with you." which sounds way worse than "I wanna fuck ya in ya ass, raw."

But I digress.... Point is O was being completely unreasonable. We asked JP to turn the music down but to be honest the whole situation had stressed me & Vio out to the point where we outside to vent about the whole thing. He bummed a Newport off some one and started to take drags, something I've never seen him do before. I spent the next 10 minutes calming him down. When I finally got him to relax a little bit I sat down on the porch next to VB and began to tell her the situation. Partly, because I figured I fill her in on the situation and partly because I needed to vent. Talking about it put me at ease, though. I felt the ol' sangfroid returning and was finally starting to relax.

Of couse you know this means that the bullshit is imminent.

Everything seemed to be getting back to normal, when all of a sudden I here the music stop and the speakers start to make a loud electric humming noise. Then I hear people screaming in the house. At this point, I figure I better investigate.

When I walk in the door, I see what looks like a bona fide rumble. It appears to be just all out random violent chaos. When, I look closer I realize that it's really just ONE nigga beatin TWO niggas asses... at the same time. I remember when I was little I watched a lot of wrestling, the only thing I can compare it to is when they used to put Andre the Giant in the ring with like eight midgets and he would completely demolish them.

How this situation came about was "I. Rokwell" was halfway finished w/ his 2nd 16 0z cup of Bacardi Orange(straight, no chaser). At this point, he's so drunk he's not even attempting to blend songs anymore. He's just playing whatever he wants to hear. So when he puts on T-Shirt & My Panties On by Adina Howard well... he just wanted to hear T-Shirt & My Panties On. O, apparently, did not want to hear T-Shirt & My Panties On. O marches downstairs and tells a very drunk I Rokwell that he did not want to hear T-Shirt & My Panties On or any songs that sounded like T-Shirt & My Panties On for the rest of the night or else or else he was going to personally shut the party down.

So you can imagine that when the VERY NEXT song played by our favorite DJ is Put it in Ya Mouth (the dirty version, of course) by Akyinele it didn't go over too well with Moses and Aaron. This time both Odie and O come downstairs and tell JP....

OB: That's it the party's over. You got 5 minutes to pack up your stuff and leave

JP: Ay man, Go get Flip

OB: I don't need to go get Flip. This IS MY HOUSE. When I say the party's over, IT'S OVER!!!

JP: MAAAAAN, SOMEBODY GO GET FLIP!!!

Pride'll get ya fucked up, everytime.

The asswhoopin that ensued could've been avoided. If O had, simply, put his ego aside and taken my offer or Flip's offer or EVEN his next door neighbor's offer to sleep away from the house: situation avoided. If he had, simply, done as JP had suggested and gotten The Violator to mediate the conflict: again, situation avoided.

But alas,The White Tiger called Pride will get you fucked up everytime.

Everyone knows that touching the DJ's equipment is the HOV lane to an asswhoopin. Especially, when that DJ ia an ex-con who spent half his life in New Orleans and half his life in Kansas City, two cities notorious for producing the craziest niggas in the world. And when that same DJ is the drunkest dude at the party and the liquor has suppressed the rational part of him that keeps him from killing yo punk ass, you definitely DO NOT touch his equipment.

But alas, The White Tiger called Pride will get you fucked up everytime.

Now, I don't know if it was the fact that 5'9, 155lbs Odie was standing beside him or the fact that he taught at one of the roughest middle schools in the city and had slammed a few unruly 8th graders or it could've been he felt that he was covered with the "breastplate of righteousness" or perhaps it was because he was an active member of our church's Christian based Karate class: Kickin' for Christ but, whatever it was, obviously he didn't fear the consequence of his actions.

Ultimately, it was pride that made O pull the wires out of those Technics SL 1200's and pride got him royally fucked up. J vaulted the table and went straight in his jaw. The asswhoopin flowed forth in abundance. Apparently, they hadn't gotten to blocking in Kickin' for Christ because J was getting in his shit. I don't know if he was on some non-violent resistance shit but he didn't even get in a chance swing. It was ugly. It was like seeing slaves getting whipped. By the time I entered the scene it was utter chaos and carnage. Remember how bad you used to beat up on Glass Joe on Mike Tyson's Punch Out? Well, it was worse than that. It was like watching a live action Tazmanian Devil at work. At one point Odie tried to tackle/pull J away from OB by grabbing J around the waist. I shit you not, J was simultaneously deliviring a series of vicious right hooks to Omari's face and dropping elbows on Odie's head with his left. The whole time he just kept swinging & screaming,

JP:YA PRUH-TIIN-CHUSS MUTHAFUCKAS! YA SELF RAI-CHUSS SONOVA BIITCH! YA PRUH-TIIN-CHUSS MUTHAFUCKAS! YA SELF RAI-CHUSS SONOVA BIITCH!

The carnage had to be stopped. Flip runs in and scoops Omari up and I run and grab Odie. Flip heads towards the kitchen and I head toward the entrance of the duplex. As I'm running out the door with Odie, J is running beside me, screaming and tagging Odie in the face. I continue to pull Odie into the hallway that separates the units of the duplex from each other. Someone runs in and tries to tackle J but at 6'2 225 he's a little tough to bring down. J, some how grabs the person and slings him into me and Odie and the 3 of us go CRASHING THROUGH THE DOOR into the other side of the duplex. The neighbors looked like they were just 4 average college white kids who were planning on sitting down with there dog and watching Saturday Night Live in spite of all the hip hop playing next door. I just remember the look on their face was one of complete surprise mixed with uncertainty about their personal safety.

No sooner am I able to pick myself up off the ground then I hear Omari yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'M STILL HERE, I'M STILL STANDING, I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE." Like a bull who catches a flash of a matador's cape, J takes off running after O. I get up and tackle J onto the couch and restrain him there. J keeps yellin:

J: Al, get off me.

A: Not until you calm down

J: Al, GET OFF ME!

A: NOT UNTIL YOU CALM DOWN!

We go on like this for a few minutes until I see his breathing start to slow I let him go.

Black people are a colorful people full of personality and a joie de vivre(?) unmatched by any other race. You would think this incident might elicit some sort of shock or dissapointment from the spectators. Nope. Nia, who despite the fact that she was 7 months pregnant still showed up to the party in a black catsuit, was the first to break the silence. Chicken wing in hand, she unequivocally declared,

Nia: DAAAAM, Shawty got his AZZ WHOOPD

PRH, another native of KC, walks over to Omari and sincerely asks him.

PRH: Dog, are you okay. Maaan, How does it feel. I mean, you got your ass beat in your OWN house. I mean this is technically YOUR house party. I mean what's it like to get beat up at your OWN housewarming party. that shit is FUCKED up. And come ooon. By the DJ? You REALLY gotta be feelin bad right now. I mean, damn....

My mission instantly switched from:

OPERATION: KEEP J FROM KILLING THESE DUMBASSES

to: OPERATION: PACK J'S SHIT UP AS FAST AS WE CAN AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE BEFORE THE COPS COME AND J GETS KNOCKED FOR VIOLATING HIS PROBATION.

I packed up his Chevy Blazer with lightning speed and German efficiency. Since he was too drunk to drive I became the designated driver. On the way to his house, a very drunken and repentant, I Boxwell asked me over over agian why he was always doing stupid shit like this and why can't he just live right. I told him I didn't know but that the good news was that he could choose to change anytime he wanted to. The sight was one of the saddest things I had ever seen. He really regretted his actions and wanted to change his ways. I helped him get into bed and unpacked his records & equipment in the rain. Right before I left he asked if he come to church with me tomorrow. I told him, "Fo sho, man, I'll pick you up round 11." I closed the door and headed back to Flip's to see what else I could do to diffuse the situation.

When I got there The Violator was outside handling the police. I went inside to survey the damage. There were only a few people left. P was helping the neighbors try and fix there door which we had ripped off the frame. Some friends of Flip's were straightening up the kitchen. Omari and Odie were sitting on the steps. Omari had a steak over his eye and began slowly rambling to Odie and himself.

O: I can't believe what just happened. The boy attacked me, like a wild animal, in my own house. I'm gonna press charges.

Shit.

I spent the next half hour swallowing huge amounts of my pride, agreeing with shit that wasn't true, apologizing and managing my own temper in an effort to get him to NOT press charges. In the end I had to go to scripture and remind him that as Christians we are to turn the other cheek. And despite the fact that he had so many cheeks turned for him that night, it was his duty to forgive him. He didn't like it but his pride wouldn't allow him to be seen as a hypocrite, so he bought it.

After all this, I get a call from DF cussing me out for leaving her stranded in Buckhead. I am emotionally taxed.

Somewhere, around 3:15 am I finally get home. I open my box where I keep my coin collection and pull out a halfa blunt that my ex gave me. I put on Deadringer by RJD2, fired up the skunk and watch all my anxieties and tension melt away in the music like frost on a heated windshield.

That was August 25th, 2002.

Quotes from the car lot part 2

2005-12-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

I sell used cars these are excerpts from my life at work.

LG: You're so fulla shit. (my boss)
AS: We're all fulla shit, that's why we're here

"Look, all I wanna know is, are there gonna be any white bitches there. If there's white bitches there, I'm there." - fellow SBM co-worker who shall remain anonymous.

AS: You'd hit that?
??: Brother, you'll do a lot of things if you had your own apartment and knew noone'd find out about it.

"I like my cars like I like my women ... foreign. They last twice as long and give you half the problems." -Chainsaw

"Learn how to live on $35,000 a year and get out while you can." - Chainsaw on the car business

"No grown ass man should be going to see a movie called Roll Bounce." AH to TD

Customer: "How much for that truck"
CP: "6 grand'
Customer: "How bout 5"
CP: "We're all in at 6"
Customer: "How bout I give you five and some pussy for the rest."
the art of negotiation at its finest

LG: You gon have to cut them dreads. This is Corporate America, son.
AS: Corporate America!?!?! We were eatin crawfish over a trashcan in Chainsaw's office like 2 days ago
LG: Look, little nigga, don't make me fuck yo ass up.

"I'm quick to fall in love but slow to commit." - MR

Customer: So what's the interest rate?
Chainsaw: As high as I can possibly get it!
Chainsaw to a customer with awful credit concerned about their interest rate

"Make a decision. Right or wrong, just make a decision." - Leadership lessons from Chainsaw

THE CASE FOR TRUTH BEING STRANGER THAN FICTION. EXHIBIT A: The Very Very Tragic but Ribclutchingly Funny Tale of Soap Boy Fresh

2005-12-12T05:08:00.000-08:00

"There's an ass for every seat" - Chainsaw

"Some of these niggas is bitches, too. And some of these niggas look just like you." - Snoop

"For a prostitute will bring you to poverty, and sleeping with her may cost you your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap and not be burned? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet?" Proverbs 6:26-8

I don't even know where to begin to tell this one. The story is so rich with nuances of life and psychological disorders that I just want to make sure I cover it all. First off, it is a true story. I actually bumped into Soap Boy Fresh at a bar on Friday. But I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

Preface

I don't know anyone normal. Everyone I know, has at some point done something where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were fucking nuts. Interestingly, enough this is always the same point where we become friends. This is why always tell people that crazy is the new sane.

So it should be no surprise to anyone familiar with the area that some of my closest friends are from Philadelphia. For some reason Philly brews a special blend of psychosis that just makes even the most ordinary of life's moments an adventure. It's unmistakeble once you've encountered it. It's a unique mix of blue collar, malt-liquor consuming ignorance with the grittiness of your east coast street hustler. A girl from Philly once told me she was giving up brown liquor for Lent. She was a doctor in her 2nd year in residency. The point is all people from Philly, regardless of their socioeconomic status, have this special jen nay se qwa(I never took french).

This is a story about a boy from Philly meeting a girl from Philly and them falling in love.

The Very Very Tragic but Ribclutchingly Funny Tale of Soap Boy Fresh

I went to Morehouse College, the best school ever. Morehouse is the only all black, all male school in the country. Spelman is an all black, all girl school that is right next door. It's only natural, of course, for guys at Morehouse to date girls at Spelman. This is a very well known fact in the black community. When I told people that I was attending Morehouse, one of the first questions I always got is "Had I met any Spelman girls yet?" At the end of the movie Boyz N The Hood, Tre, played by Cuba Gooding Jr, goes Morehouse and his girlfriend Brandy, played by Nia Long, goes to Spelman. In a fairy tale world the story goes like this: A Morehouse Man meets a Woman of Spelman, they fall in love, get married, become gainfully employed, tax-paying members of society, and have 2.8 children who grow up to attend Morehouse and/or Spelman (repeat and refrain). Most of the time it doesn't work out that way, though.

For instance, A friend of mine, LR, was on the phone with of his best friends who we'll call Tia. Tia and LR grew up in Philly together and had known each other since the 2nd grade. They eventually ended up in Atlanta with LR at Morehouse and Tia at Spelman. They where on the phone one day talking, as good friends do, when LR innocently posed the question to Tia:

L: So, What did you do yesterday?
T: Ohhhhh, nothing special. I went to class, studied for my mid-term, gave J an enema, got my oil changed, went to the.....

L: Whoooaa, WHAT!!! Backup. You did WHAT!?!?!

T: Yeah, I went and got my oil changed. It's like $18 at WalMart.

L: No, before that.

T: Studied for my midterm? Yeah, I gotta Constitutional Law...

L: No, after that. You gave J an enema?

Philly, Philly. Let me give you a little background about Tia and J aka Soap Boy Fresh.

T came from a very well to do family both her mother and father were prominent attorneys.

Tia wanted for nothing. She had a car her parents bought for her, lived in a 2 bedroom apartment that they paid for and had a $1500 a month spending allowance on top of all that.

T also had a talent for finding weak muthafucka's and breaking them for everything that they had.

J fit the psychological profile of her victims to a tee. The boy was socially retarded. I wouldn't call him a nerd because nerds are smart. He took 9 years to finish a 4yr degree. I believe he's either a dork or a geek. I'm not sure. Either way he wasn't getting ANY pussy. As of a 2 years ago he was till collecting Pokemon cards.

Now, just for a second, imagine if you've never ever had food. Everyday, you sit in your house starving, craving food, but there is no food in the house and you don't know what you can do to get it either. Eventually, you can imagine that you'd give up hope about ever having food and resign to live a life of hunger and privation. Then one day a pizza man shows up with a Meatlover's Pizza. Imagine, the disbelief you have that you're actually going to eat. Imagine, how delicious and rich that first slice of pizza is. Imagine, the joy and gratitude you feel towards the pizza man. The hopes you had long since abandoned materializing before your eyes and being better than you could've ever conceived of in your mind's eye. Be there with that image for a moment.

Now ask yourself this: "What would I do for that pizza man to keep him from going away?"

Now you understand the dynamic at play here. This is T's modus operandi. She finds a dude who doesn't have a prayer of getting laid and fucks the shit out of them. (I know this because Tyler knows this.) No, seriously one of my boys used to fuck her and apparently she is a freak par excellence. She then threatens to leave them if they don't comply with her wishes.

So, when T asks J for his paycheck, cashes it, gives him enough money for bus fare and a haircut, and keeps the rest of it for her own personal slush fund without any resistance from J, you can almost understand. Likewise, when she tells him that he's not making enough money and he drops some classes to pick up more hours at work, you really can almost empathize with him

Tia had a sweet hustle. She would take his/her money to fund shopping sprees for very specific items. For instance, In March, she bought only make-up with his/her money. April, it was silver. May, it was shoes. And so on so forth.

Simply put she was the pimp, he was the ho.

L: No, after that. You gave J an enema?

T(non-chalantly): Yeah, you know he wasn't shittin right so I shoved soap his ass.

So, apparently T's at home one day chillin, watchin TV, and she flips past Entertainment Tonight. Of course, this bastion of the free press has a stimulating report on celebrity quirks. I guess some celebs eat tissue paper and others can only wash their hair with Evian but there's one quirk mentioned that caught T's attention in particular. Apparently, there's one celebrity who when they come upon bouts of irregularity use soap enemas to help them pass waste. Now T, being the thoughtful and observant individual she is thinks to herself, "You, know what J ain't been shittin right lately. I need to fix that."

Now, this is a completely unilatteral decision. J's not even home from work yet. This hasn't been run by him for his approval, there was no dicussion about it. Honestly, he might have been shitting just fine but in her mind, she saw a problem, she saw a solution and voila! Voi-fuckin-la!

So J comes home from work. He worked a full day and probably spent around a total time of 2 hours on the bus in commute. So the suggestion by T to come to the shower and let her bathe him is just seen as an unusually kind gesture. I'm 100% certain the thought of being ass raped in the shower was the furthest thing from his mind. So they go to the bathroom, get in the shower and she proceeds to bathe him. A key detail that I have left out is that T is about 6'1 and easily 200+ lbs and J is about 5'9 and at the most a buck sixty. So she's washing him down his arms, his privates, his stomach. Just what a working man needs to relax, right?.

Just as she's washing his stomach, she reaches behind her, scoops up some soap into her fingernails and shoves it RIGHT UP HIS ASS.

A struggle ensues.

She then GRABS him by the back of his neck, shoves his face into the shower wall and continues to shove soap RIGHT ON UP HIS ASS. To which only his response was "AHHHHH, YOUR NAILS, YOUR NAILS!!!"

Afterwards, he curled up into the fetal positiom and cried like a little bitch in the shower.

Of course, they stayed together after the fact.

There's no moral to this story it's just something I though I'd share

P.S. Happy Birthday S. Jones

Right now it's 4:02pm on 12/10/05 and....

2005-12-10T13:02:00.000-08:00

EVERYONE I know is going through it in some way, shape, form or fashion. To quote Redman, "It's real shitty, down here." I don't know if it's something in the air but shit is kinda fucked up right now for a lotta people I know.

So this is for everyone I know in the struggle.

To the Nigga 6: Don't worry, this is only just a season. Remember, income tax season is right around the corner and if we can't get it here we can always go get it somewhere else.

To VJB: Fuck them crackas. You are the best thing to ever happen to them. You are the greatest manager the usury industry has ever seen. You are the trillest of the trill. They ain't never seen a corporate thug like you. If they can't respect yo hustle, respect yo grind, you can always ply yo trade elsewhere. When you feel unappreciated and overworked just say this to yourself: "I've got options, fuckers." It's the truth.

To Mom and Dad: I know all you want is for me and Goo to find consistent gainful employment and accept Jesus as our personal Lord and Savior. But look on the bright side we aint got no kids, never been to jail, have college degrees and love y'all to death. Pound for pound we're the best 22 and 26 year old brother and sister tandem you know. Take solace in the fact that in nature the most advanced lifeforms take the longest to develop.

To ELB: Keep on pushin. You are blood. Whatever, I got you, you got. Whichever one of us makes it to the endzone 1st, we both celebratin'. Remember, there's only 2 types of people in this world: balloons and weights. Balloons lift you up. Weights drag you down. Get around balloons, stay away from weights.

To CLM: You've got a vision. That vision will come to pass. You're on the 5 yard line baby! Stay patient. Stay humble.

To PRH: My brother!!! Mr. Make-it-happen. Just be patient. Our time is gonna come

To Goo: Fuck those little fuckers. You are destined to be a great teacher. Take it from someone who knows firsthand: Life has many twists and turns. Shit'll happen to make you question your entire existence. But know this: God always works everything out for your best interest. Sometimes to make an omlette, God has to break a few eggs, beat the eggs, add salt, pepper, and other spices, then throw yo ass in the frying pan and flip you and fold you... well you get picture. When it's all said and done the omlette is fucking delicious and the perfect compliment to a nice bowl of instant grits. Hang in there, Potna.

To Me: Remember this as you write this now and read this later. You have more than enough to do whatever you need to do. Look at your life. You know with out a shadow of a doubt the Big Homie's wants you to win big. Everything you've ever asked for he's given to you when you're ready for it. So, if ain't here yet, you're getting prepared for it. No need to ever fear anything.

NEVER SETTLE! You have one life to live. One day, you will leave this earth. The show will rap and the credits will roll. Make the most out of your life. Always be ready to put it all on the line at any moment. There are no losses only setbacks. Learn from failure and keep pushin'. The Big Homie has your back. Life is beautiful whether you know it or not. Appreciate every moment of it. Never be afraid to lose. You're gonna lose it all when the credits roll, anyway.

To everyone else: You're not alone if you're struggling. We may fight different battles on different fronts but we're comrades in the same war. Just remember that 80% of success is just showing up everyday.

Quotes from the car lot part 1

2005-12-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

I sell used cars. These are a few excerpts from my life at work.

Customer: "This interest rate is too high"
SP: "Honestly, sir, I don't think it's high enough"

SP's response to customer who's credit was so bad he could only qualify for the highest rate that can be legally charged.

"These hoes be thinking I be makin love to 'em. I just be gettin pussy slow." - BG

"I dont give a fuck if she cry. Shit, I make my own bitch cry." - MS

"See dats where you done fucked up at. By this time tomorrow, Ima know more bout you than you know about me than you thought I could ever know about you." - DM

"See what you thought you saw me just do, I didn't really just do." BD

"Honestly, I'm just lookin for a reason to just punch him in the mouth" AH on BD

"She need to drive slow and pay fast" - SU

"He needs a co-signer for a cash deal" - Chainsaw

Customer: "Well, if anything changes gimme a call."
FC: "That's one call you won't be getting."
FC to customer after 2 days of negotiations on a 350Z

"You want El Trucko. Ask for Esteban Jack-sone" - SJ
Steve Jackson trying to sell spanish speaking customer over phone .

"We work with over 50 banks in the State Of Ga. and ONLY ONE will even look at you. And they'll ONLY look at you on that car right there. So if you don't get this one you ain't gettin a car." - Chainsaw making a customer cry.

Customer: "I think I wanna go home and sleep on it."
Chainsaw: "Well, You're sleepin on the wrong deal."
Chainsaw making yet another customer cry.

BG: "How old are you, Gates"
TG: "63"
BG: "And you mean to tell me you ain't never ate no pussy"
TG:"Never"
AS: "How many times you been married."
TG: "Twice"
AS: "You ever gotten head."
TG:"Sheeeeeeeet!!!, I be the first one in line"

"uhhhh, Cuhdoma Beash, Ee No buy" - J. Ramirez (translation customer is a bitch, he didn't buy anything.)

BG: "Shit, Who eat ass?"
awkward silence
EP: " Fuck it, Skin is Skin."
Chainsaw: "Anything to make'em wiggle."

Words of wisdom from a Used Car Sales Manager

2005-12-09T12:48:00.000-08:00

They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. These are just a few of the lessons I have learned from my 40+ year old, tough-as-nails, grizzled, straightshooting, good ol' boy, boss whom I affectionately call "Chainsaw."

"Overcome Everything" - Chainsaw

"You don't really lie to them, you just be real creative." - Chainsaw

"After 20 years in this business, I tell you what, I FUCKIN HATE PEOPLE!!!" - Chainsaw

"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission." - Chainsaw

Customer: "Hey, I remember you. You used to work at Toyota. You made me cry."
Chainsaw: "Honey, It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last."

"This guy ain't even paid attention." - Chainsaw analyzing the credit report of a 383 beacon score. (We didn't know you could get a 383 beacon score)

"That's your problem you're ASKING them what they want, you need to TELL them what to do." - Chainsaw

"You're too fuckin nice to these people, you need to get some Unnngghhhhrrrfff" - Chainsaw

"Anything to make' em wiggle" Chainsaw when asked "does he eat ass?"

"I justabout dog cussed that sonuva bitch out" - Chainsaw

"I just love it! Closing a motherfucker is right up there with sex" Chainsaw (It is)

"There's an ass for every seat" - Chainsaw

Kirk Franklin married the wrong bitch!!!

2005-12-08T16:15:00.000-08:00

It's like a biblical principal. The whole thing about being equally yoked. You gotta have common interests. I could never be with some one who didn't love music. I have a hard time when I find out a chick doesn't smoke. I live my life a certain way and to the degree I'm looking to intergrate someone into my life (As an Aquarius, the commitment thing is not something that naturally suits me), well they have to be able to intergrate. Bottom line: if you love bacon and your wife's a muslim, you're in for a long haul.

Kirk knew he liked porn. Frankly(no pun intended), I don't know any dudes who don't. Maybe, my grandfather (a preacher) and my father (also a preacher). But quietly, I've caught my dad watchin' a few episodes of The Grind and Baywatch. So, I know either he's reformed or repressed his natural urges for adult cinema.

Back to the point: Some dudes like porn more than others. At one end of the spectrum, you've got the dude who'll watch it if it's on. In the middle you've got the average guy who own's a few porns and has a few choice internet domains he might visit from time to time (such as BGOL, OnionBooty.com, uvproductions.com, asswatcher.com, karadavis.com, mikeinbrazil.com, etc...). (you're welcome.) At the other end of gradiant, you have the dude with an encyclopedic knowledge of porn. His collection is more aptly described as a library. He has entire catalogues of his favorite artists. His house could pass as a field office for the Kinsey Institute. (google it)

Sidebar: Here's a hint ladies: If your man won't throw out his VCR, He's not watchin old episodes of Rap City. It's that episode of My Baby Got Back 3 on VHS that you can't find on DVD that makes the old Toshiba a keep sake.

Sidebar II: My mind races all over the map. Bear with me.

Minister Franklin, from my observation, seems to be closer to hard core porn connoisseur than your average porn dilletante. That being said, If you know you want to your woman dress up like a catholic school girl and fuck you like a singapore hooker, then you don't need to be with the chick who's baptized, saved, sanctified and filled with the holy ghost. If you know that from time to time you're gonna want lick honey out the crack of your wife's ass then you need to find the woman with some clear heels in her wardrobe. A wise man once said " You can use wife but you cant turn a ho into a housewife." That wise man was me. The converse of the statement is true. Cant turn no housewife into no ho, either.

Hope this helps you in your life journey.

Addendum: How to spot a freak via wardrobe and speech patterns.

Shoes with a clear heel: Chris Rock (also an Aquarius, we have the same bday) covers this topic exhaustively in NEVER SCARED. Go check it out.

Anklets (more commonly known as ankle bracelet): An older woman once told me that ANY woman who wears an anklet, knowingly or unknowingly, harbors fantasies of being tied up and dominated. I have since verified this fact through my own independent research.

Toering: Read - ho-ring

"I've never done that before.": Read - If I feel like I'm comfortable with you, you won't judge me and/or you ply me with the right stimulants and/or depressents, then (hear the vault unlocking) ACCESS GRANTED.

"I'm celibate.": I could write a dissertation on this one. Apparently my dick is a divining rod for women who have (oddly enough) sworn off dick. My bed is like some sort of rehab/halfway house to reacclimate chicks to the world of fuckin'. Read - I am so afraid of the nasty, freak, ho shit I might do next that I need to stay away from all cylindrical & conic objects. HOT TIP:Finding a woman who's celibate is like finding a house in foreclosure. It seems like a problem at first but if you know how to deal with it the rewards can be tremendous

Fuck it. why not.

2005-12-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

Everyone, I know has a blog. I figure this shit could be some what therapeutic. I've never kept a journal for fear of being extorted but you know what Let's give this blog thing a shot.