THE CASE FOR TRUTH BEING STRANGER THAN FICTION. EXHIBIT A: The Very Very Tragic but Ribclutchingly Funny Tale of Soap Boy Fresh

"There's an ass for every seat" - Chainsaw

"Some of these niggas is bitches, too. And some of these niggas look just like you." - Snoop

"For a prostitute will bring you to poverty, and sleeping with her may cost you your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap and not be burned? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet?" Proverbs 6:26-8

I don't even know where to begin to tell this one. The story is so rich with nuances of life and psychological disorders that I just want to make sure I cover it all. First off, it is a true story. I actually bumped into Soap Boy Fresh at a bar on Friday. But I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

Preface

I don't know anyone normal. Everyone I know, has at some point done something where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were fucking nuts. Interestingly, enough this is always the same point where we become friends. This is why always tell people that crazy is the new sane.

So it should be no surprise to anyone familiar with the area that some of my closest friends are from Philadelphia. For some reason Philly brews a special blend of psychosis that just makes even the most ordinary of life's moments an adventure. It's unmistakeble once you've encountered it. It's a unique mix of blue collar, malt-liquor consuming ignorance with the grittiness of your east coast street hustler. A girl from Philly once told me she was giving up brown liquor for Lent. She was a doctor in her 2nd year in residency. The point is all people from Philly, regardless of their socioeconomic status, have this special jen nay se qwa(I never took french).

This is a story about a boy from Philly meeting a girl from Philly and them falling in love.

The Very Very Tragic but Ribclutchingly Funny Tale of Soap Boy Fresh

I went to Morehouse College, the best school ever. Morehouse is the only all black, all male school in the country. Spelman is an all black, all girl school that is right next door. It's only natural, of course, for guys at Morehouse to date girls at Spelman. This is a very well known fact in the black community. When I told people that I was attending Morehouse, one of the first questions I always got is "Had I met any Spelman girls yet?" At the end of the movie Boyz N The Hood, Tre, played by Cuba Gooding Jr, goes Morehouse and his girlfriend Brandy, played by Nia Long, goes to Spelman. In a fairy tale world the story goes like this: A Morehouse Man meets a Woman of Spelman, they fall in love, get married, become gainfully employed, tax-paying members of society, and have 2.8 children who grow up to attend Morehouse and/or Spelman (repeat and refrain). Most of the time it doesn't work out that way, though.

For instance, A friend of mine, LR, was on the phone with of his best friends who we'll call Tia. Tia and LR grew up in Philly together and had known each other since the 2nd grade. They eventually ended up in Atlanta with LR at Morehouse and Tia at Spelman. They where on the phone one day talking, as good friends do, when LR innocently posed the question to Tia:

L: So, What did you do yesterday?
T: Ohhhhh, nothing special. I went to class, studied for my mid-term, gave J an enema, got my oil changed, went to the.....

L: Whoooaa, WHAT!!! Backup. You did WHAT!?!?!

T: Yeah, I went and got my oil changed. It's like $18 at WalMart.

L: No, before that.

T: Studied for my midterm? Yeah, I gotta Constitutional Law...

L: No, after that. You gave J an enema?

Philly, Philly. Let me give you a little background about Tia and J aka Soap Boy Fresh.

T came from a very well to do family both her mother and father were prominent attorneys.

Tia wanted for nothing. She had a car her parents bought for her, lived in a 2 bedroom apartment that they paid for and had a $1500 a month spending allowance on top of all that.

T also had a talent for finding weak muthafucka's and breaking them for everything that they had.

J fit the psychological profile of her victims to a tee. The boy was socially retarded. I wouldn't call him a nerd because nerds are smart. He took 9 years to finish a 4yr degree. I believe he's either a dork or a geek. I'm not sure. Either way he wasn't getting ANY pussy. As of a 2 years ago he was till collecting Pokemon cards.

Now, just for a second, imagine if you've never ever had food. Everyday, you sit in your house starving, craving food, but there is no food in the house and you don't know what you can do to get it either. Eventually, you can imagine that you'd give up hope about ever having food and resign to live a life of hunger and privation. Then one day a pizza man shows up with a Meatlover's Pizza. Imagine, the disbelief you have that you're actually going to eat. Imagine, how delicious and rich that first slice of pizza is. Imagine, the joy and gratitude you feel towards the pizza man. The hopes you had long since abandoned materializing before your eyes and being better than you could've ever conceived of in your mind's eye. Be there with that image for a moment.

Now ask yourself this: "What would I do for that pizza man to keep him from going away?"

Now you understand the dynamic at play here. This is T's modus operandi. She finds a dude who doesn't have a prayer of getting laid and fucks the shit out of them. (I know this because Tyler knows this.) No, seriously one of my boys used to fuck her and apparently she is a freak par excellence. She then threatens to leave them if they don't comply with her wishes.

So, when T asks J for his paycheck, cashes it, gives him enough money for bus fare and a haircut, and keeps the rest of it for her own personal slush fund without any resistance from J, you can almost understand. Likewise, when she tells him that he's not making enough money and he drops some classes to pick up more hours at work, you really can almost empathize with him

Tia had a sweet hustle. She would take his/her money to fund shopping sprees for very specific items. For instance, In March, she bought only make-up with his/her money. April, it was silver. May, it was shoes. And so on so forth.

Simply put she was the pimp, he was the ho.

L: No, after that. You gave J an enema?

T(non-chalantly): Yeah, you know he wasn't shittin right so I shoved soap his ass.

So, apparently T's at home one day chillin, watchin TV, and she flips past Entertainment Tonight. Of course, this bastion of the free press has a stimulating report on celebrity quirks. I guess some celebs eat tissue paper and others can only wash their hair with Evian but there's one quirk mentioned that caught T's attention in particular. Apparently, there's one celebrity who when they come upon bouts of irregularity use soap enemas to help them pass waste. Now T, being the thoughtful and observant individual she is thinks to herself, "You, know what J ain't been shittin right lately. I need to fix that."

Now, this is a completely unilatteral decision. J's not even home from work yet. This hasn't been run by him for his approval, there was no dicussion about it. Honestly, he might have been shitting just fine but in her mind, she saw a problem, she saw a solution and voila! Voi-fuckin-la!

So J comes home from work. He worked a full day and probably spent around a total time of 2 hours on the bus in commute. So the suggestion by T to come to the shower and let her bathe him is just seen as an unusually kind gesture. I'm 100% certain the thought of being ass raped in the shower was the furthest thing from his mind. So they go to the bathroom, get in the shower and she proceeds to bathe him. A key detail that I have left out is that T is about 6'1 and easily 200+ lbs and J is about 5'9 and at the most a buck sixty. So she's washing him down his arms, his privates, his stomach. Just what a working man needs to relax, right?.

Just as she's washing his stomach, she reaches behind her, scoops up some soap into her fingernails and shoves it RIGHT UP HIS ASS.

A struggle ensues.

She then GRABS him by the back of his neck, shoves his face into the shower wall and continues to shove soap RIGHT ON UP HIS ASS. To which only his response was "AHHHHH, YOUR NAILS, YOUR NAILS!!!"

Afterwards, he curled up into the fetal positiom and cried like a little bitch in the shower.

Of course, they stayed together after the fact.

There's no moral to this story it's just something I though I'd share

P.S. Happy Birthday S. Jones