The Age of Aquarius
February is a special month. It's Black History month. It's got Valentine's Day & President's Day. But most importantly (for me) my birthday. Ahhhh, The Aquarius. I didn't really understand what it meant to be an Aquarius until recently. We are the waterbearers. KVT described it best, Aquarii show up, splash everything with water then dissappear. What can I say.... we like it wet. We're good-hearted, wild, overtly sexual, charming, competitive, humanitarian, idealistic, childlike, innocent, but most importantly THE BEST.
So here is a guide to the Aqaurii who you might not have known were Aquarii
Richard Dean Anderson - That's right, bitch. McGyver's a muthafuckin waterbearer. We're resourceful as shit. Put us any predicament and watch the magic unfold. I made less than a $1,000 last month and still managed to buy a house for $10. Aquarii have a penchant for just falling into success.
Tiffany-Amber Thiessen - The baddest white bitch in all of Bayside High. Muthafuckin Kelly Kapowski is an Aquarius.
Tatyana Ali - Ashley Banks, nigga!!!! Aquarius.
Pops - My dad. The nicest guy in the world. He's bailed my ass outta more jams then I can (or care to) count. I shit you not, the man made the down payment for our 1st house with quarters he had saved while working as a skycap at Morehouse. Muthafuckin' quarters.
Eartha Kitt - Like I said Aquarii are highly sexual people. The REAL Catwoman is, of course, an Aquarius
Eddie Van Halen - One of the greatest guitar players of all time? Oh, hell yeah. Jump, Hot for Teacher and the guitar solo in Beat It.
Ellen - The world's most beloved dyke be splashing dat water.
LudaVince/RocaVince - One of my personal heroes, aka Pedro Alvares Cabral (google it). This man is a muthafuckin conquistador. The quintessence of a corporate thug. LudaVince is a muthafuckin character. An inspiration to all men, he embodies some truly great Aquarian qualities. First off, he is an explorer; he travels to Latin America at least 3 times a year. Secondly, like most Aquarii he is oft misunderstood. For instance, he was banned from Brazil by his wife when she found photos from one of his excursions. She just didn't understand that he was at a birthday party and in Brazil, ALL the women are topless at birthday parties. He deserves an award for the mission work he has done in Brazil and I look foward to continuing to carry on his work of service in the years to come. Like all great Aquarians, he is persistant & a great humanitarian. Despite being unjustly banned from Brazil, he continues his mission of philanthropy in such countries as the Dominican Republic and Argentina.
Sabu, Tommy Dreamer, Ken Shamrock, The Big Show, The Honky Tonk Man, & The Million Dollar Man - All Aquarians are innovative at whatever they do. Sabu is the first wrestler I've ever seen put a woman through a table. Tommy Dreamer is the first person I've ever seen drop kick a steel chair into someone's nuts. Shamrock's crazy. Big Show's ...big. The Honky Tonk dressed in a sequence Elvis suit and hit people in the head with a guitar and The Million Dollar Man had a servant named Virgil, choked people out, and then stuffed a $100 bill in their mouth. (A stunt I once recreated in high school except I only had a $1 bill).
Rick James- The King of Funk. THE manwhore of the 80's. Aquarians often have a flair for extravagance. Dave Chappelle biographical reenactment of his life is a perfect illustration of the water bearer's wild side.
Bobby Brown - The muthafucka left his wife in the middle of Utah stranded on a road trip to see the nation. If you want to understand more of the Aquarian wild side, you can watch Being Bobby Brown.
Tom Selleck - That's right. Magnum P.I. , nigga.
Oprah - The Baddest Bitch. If Jesus was a woman, he woulda been Oprah. Oprah said she was never gonna eat another hamburger again and the cattle industry sued her for loss of profits. She picks up a book and it's a fuckin best seller. Aquarii are always extremely popular and influential.
Michael Jordan - The Best Basketball Player Of All Time???? Shiiiiiiit......Jordan.
Morehouse College - Founded in the 2nd week of The Month of Love. If you've read the above and have ever been to MC. You can see it's truly Aquarian nature.
Chris Rock & Chris Farley - The Two Funniest comedians of the 90's display another quality of the hydrators. We're often late-bloomers.
Bob Marley & Garth Brooks - The biggest names in their respective genres of music. Bob Marley had, like many Aquarii have, the dilemma of having too much love to give. He solved this by making beautiful music which has been the soundtrack/inspiration for so many of our young drunk college age white men to hit kegstands and/or bongs to, & having as many children out of wedlock as his short life would allow.
So the next time I go speak at a career day while unemployed, espouse the evils of capitalism while working on my next business plan, discuss my fidelity in my 2 monogamous relationships, get fired from yet another job & explain to my boss, "It's okay I woulda fired me, too." and in general just do some more wild ass shit. Know that it's in part to being born on 2/7/79.
So here is a guide to the Aqaurii who you might not have known were Aquarii
Richard Dean Anderson - That's right, bitch. McGyver's a muthafuckin waterbearer. We're resourceful as shit. Put us any predicament and watch the magic unfold. I made less than a $1,000 last month and still managed to buy a house for $10. Aquarii have a penchant for just falling into success.
Tiffany-Amber Thiessen - The baddest white bitch in all of Bayside High. Muthafuckin Kelly Kapowski is an Aquarius.
Tatyana Ali - Ashley Banks, nigga!!!! Aquarius.
Pops - My dad. The nicest guy in the world. He's bailed my ass outta more jams then I can (or care to) count. I shit you not, the man made the down payment for our 1st house with quarters he had saved while working as a skycap at Morehouse. Muthafuckin' quarters.
Eartha Kitt - Like I said Aquarii are highly sexual people. The REAL Catwoman is, of course, an Aquarius
Eddie Van Halen - One of the greatest guitar players of all time? Oh, hell yeah. Jump, Hot for Teacher and the guitar solo in Beat It.
Ellen - The world's most beloved dyke be splashing dat water.
LudaVince/RocaVince - One of my personal heroes, aka Pedro Alvares Cabral (google it). This man is a muthafuckin conquistador. The quintessence of a corporate thug. LudaVince is a muthafuckin character. An inspiration to all men, he embodies some truly great Aquarian qualities. First off, he is an explorer; he travels to Latin America at least 3 times a year. Secondly, like most Aquarii he is oft misunderstood. For instance, he was banned from Brazil by his wife when she found photos from one of his excursions. She just didn't understand that he was at a birthday party and in Brazil, ALL the women are topless at birthday parties. He deserves an award for the mission work he has done in Brazil and I look foward to continuing to carry on his work of service in the years to come. Like all great Aquarians, he is persistant & a great humanitarian. Despite being unjustly banned from Brazil, he continues his mission of philanthropy in such countries as the Dominican Republic and Argentina.
Sabu, Tommy Dreamer, Ken Shamrock, The Big Show, The Honky Tonk Man, & The Million Dollar Man - All Aquarians are innovative at whatever they do. Sabu is the first wrestler I've ever seen put a woman through a table. Tommy Dreamer is the first person I've ever seen drop kick a steel chair into someone's nuts. Shamrock's crazy. Big Show's ...big. The Honky Tonk dressed in a sequence Elvis suit and hit people in the head with a guitar and The Million Dollar Man had a servant named Virgil, choked people out, and then stuffed a $100 bill in their mouth. (A stunt I once recreated in high school except I only had a $1 bill).
Rick James- The King of Funk. THE manwhore of the 80's. Aquarians often have a flair for extravagance. Dave Chappelle biographical reenactment of his life is a perfect illustration of the water bearer's wild side.
Bobby Brown - The muthafucka left his wife in the middle of Utah stranded on a road trip to see the nation. If you want to understand more of the Aquarian wild side, you can watch Being Bobby Brown.
Tom Selleck - That's right. Magnum P.I. , nigga.
Oprah - The Baddest Bitch. If Jesus was a woman, he woulda been Oprah. Oprah said she was never gonna eat another hamburger again and the cattle industry sued her for loss of profits. She picks up a book and it's a fuckin best seller. Aquarii are always extremely popular and influential.
Michael Jordan - The Best Basketball Player Of All Time???? Shiiiiiiit......Jordan.
Morehouse College - Founded in the 2nd week of The Month of Love. If you've read the above and have ever been to MC. You can see it's truly Aquarian nature.
Chris Rock & Chris Farley - The Two Funniest comedians of the 90's display another quality of the hydrators. We're often late-bloomers.
Bob Marley & Garth Brooks - The biggest names in their respective genres of music. Bob Marley had, like many Aquarii have, the dilemma of having too much love to give. He solved this by making beautiful music which has been the soundtrack/inspiration for so many of our young drunk college age white men to hit kegstands and/or bongs to, & having as many children out of wedlock as his short life would allow.
So the next time I go speak at a career day while unemployed, espouse the evils of capitalism while working on my next business plan, discuss my fidelity in my 2 monogamous relationships, get fired from yet another job & explain to my boss, "It's okay I woulda fired me, too." and in general just do some more wild ass shit. Know that it's in part to being born on 2/7/79.
posted by heathen saint at 9:20 AM
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