An Apology (to the Girl I Loved With Every Cell in My Body & the Totality of My Soul) for the 3 Years of Psychological & Emotional Russian Roulette...

That We Painfully Endured Together.

Love,

I know you'll never read this. You come across my mind sometimes and I dejectedly think, "If only knew then what I know now." It feels me with sadness to think of the beauty that we chose to fill with so much pain. But If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle. The choices we made are indelibly written & set in the concrete slab of time. We can't put toothpaste back in the tube. We have scared & scarred each other in ways that neither one of us would've consciously chosen.

Maybe, when you told me on that faithful day that, "It would never work"...I shoulda listened.

Perhaps, when you told me to "run for the hills" ... I shoulda ran

but hindsight's 20/15 and sooo....

This is my formal apology to you:

I apologize for expecting you to provide me with the love and acceptance that I need. I understand now that it's my responsibility to provide these things for myself. Seeking these things from you was unfair to you and a trap that lead to too much suffering. You could never provide this to me because only I can provide this to me. I know this now but now is too late. So I apologize.

Why is hindsight 20/15?

I apologize for diminishing myself and the passive-aggressive terrorism I subjected you to. My only responsibility to you was to be unabashedly and unapologetically myself at all times and in that I failed. I robbed you of the experience of me and a lot of the time I just wasn't present in our relationship and for that I was wrong

Why is hindsight's 20/15?

If I learned a lesson from the joy & pain refresher course that was us, it's this: To Thine Own Self Be True.

Acting on the fear that I'd lose you, I lost you. Acting on the fear that I'd abandon you, you experience the abandonment you so dreaded.

You create in your life what you focus on the most.

All of the pain that I used to blame you for, I now realize that I created for myself. I hope that you can realize that the pain you felt, you created for yourself. It's a tough lesson to learn but it's a necessary lesson if you are going to heal.

All I know is that we loved each other the best we knew how and I forgive you and (most imprtantly) myself. God willing one day you'll be able to do the same.