The fear

My greatest fear is that I'll never break free of the same bullshit.

That I'll be stuck in my same self-sabotaging habits that prevent me from accomplishing anything of worth.

Academically, I know that my habits are my habits because they work for and I benefit from them.

I'm worried because I'm not getting excited about goals in my life.

Really the only time I get excited is when I look in baby's face.

But it seems I've repressed all desire.

Great way to avoid pain but unfortunately also a great way to avoid pleasure.

I seek a hire mode of functioning. A solution to this emotional rubix cube.

Fuuuuuuck!!!!

I'm almost 30. I've achieved little of what I've set out to as a youth. I have no million dollars. I have no answers to the secrets of life. I do have my dream girl... kinda. Often times I feel a little dissapointed in what I haven't done.

I haven't sold a million albums. I haven't sold one. I'm afraid to.

I don't want the rejection. The thought of it hurts too much to push forward.

I know it's all bullshit (academically, at least) but it feels so real.

I know I'm wining right now but damn it!!! It feels good to wine sometime.

Being an adult is NOT as cool as I'd thought'd be as a kid.

It fucking sucks... well...sometimes.

The cost of freedom apparently IS responsiblity. Who knew Dear Ol' Dad was right.

But fuck...sometimes it's sooooo hard.

I know it could be a looooott worse.

It could be much worse. It could be life sans dream girl

but the truth about life lately is sometimes I'm just not enjoying it.

It seems there are less and less fun days.

Does growing up mean saying goodbye to the fun days? (Fuck that Shit)

If so, I can see why I held out why I held it off for so long.

But if I look closely I know that even the fun days weren't so fun.

The craziest thing is that I am a much happier and healthier person than I was before.

I'm in the great fuckin shape. I'm smarter, more honest, wiser, more patient, more confident, stronger, smoother, sexier than I've ever been. Through my persistence I have made myself a much better man.

Hell, the fact that I even consider myself a man at all is a huge fuckin' accomplishment.

I've grown a looooot but I'm still disappointed by the lack of fruit I've produced. I have no Mona Lisa, I have no Schroedinger's Cat.

All I am is the poorly applied advice of great men and a collection of intersesting facts.

And even as I write this is still impressed by my own brilliance.

Because the fact is My biggest pain is that I feel like I'm the shit and I'm afraid that you won't agree. It breaks my heart when you don't.

So instead of opening my heart and my world to you, I close myself off to avoid the pain, perceived though it may be.

But closing yourself off to pain means closing yourself off to pleasure too.

And the fun days can only be felt with the open heart.

So If there is a GOD out there here now my only prayer.

Father, Give me the strength to endure whatever pain I can with an open heart. If the pain must come then let me embrace it's painful spikes with an open heart.

Because if the price is not feeling the fun days, I'm not willing to pay that cost.