Quotes from the Car Lot OCHO

500 to look and 500 to get ya laid - Chainsaw's advice on how to maximize $1,000 at a strip club

He gon havta write dat shit down cuh I ain unnastand a word he said. - Customer expressing his lack of comprehension due to our finance director very thick Nigerian accent.

I know you're up to something because you've got that sinister look in your eyes and that shit-eating grin on your face. - DH questioning the motives behind my seemingly innocent line of questioning.

AS: You ever fuck any of your customers?
2kool4skool: You aint wearin a wire? Cuz if you are you have to tell me or it's entrapment.

Hey, youngblood. Come gitta sip of dis yac. - Old Man Gates offering the contents of his flask to The Deuce on the lot.

Hoes...just...want...dick! - 2kool4skool

AS: His head looks like a topographical map
FC III: See you be hittin em with those educated insults that you really gotta put some thought into.

I don't even like her like that right now. I ain't buyin her shit - Big LG discussing is Valentine's Day plans.

Anything more than 2 times , 3 times tops if it's some good pussy, but anything more than 2 times is a relationship. - Pretty Willie's advice to me on the mechanics of dating, courting & romance

I'lllllll FUCK da SECRET outta a sorority bitch. Put dat shit on da blog. - 2kool4skool

2kool, I seriously don't remember what I wrote about b4 your arrival 2 used cars. Dont worry your royalties are coming soon.

02/12/2006

I'm gonna throw away all stylistic flair and just speak freely for a moment. If you've noticed in my blog, I refer to God as The BIG Homie. This is for 2 reasons. 1) I feel like he really is my friend like I consider any of my peoples my friend. 2) The word "God" has so many connotations, preconceived notions and possible misconceptions tied to it that to use it, I feel, would cloud the nature of the relationship I've established w/ him when talking about him to other people.

I grew up in a very religious household and have been taught about God from a very early age. For reasons that aren't worth discussing right now I became an atheist around the age 22. Soon after that, for the first time I experienced for myself the presence of God in a most humbling and unique way.

The story that comes to mind to describe this period in my life is:
There was an old fish that was swimming in the ocean. When he ran upon 2 young fish he stopped and said to them, "Good morning, boys. The water's good this morning." and then swam off. One of the young fish then turns to the other one and asks him, "What the fuck is water?"

It's only when I threw away what I had been taught about God that I could see and experience the water for myself. So I believe in God, but there are entire sections of both the Bible and my Christian faith that I consider irrelevant. Not saying I know best what to throw away and what to keep but I just don't accept things that make no fucking rational sense whatsoever. My attitude towards Christianity is throw it all in the crucible, let the bullshit burn up and the truth remain. If this means I'm going to burn in hell ... well, personally I don't believe in heaven or hell as it was taught to me as a child. Besides, no human being can know what happens to us after death, period. It's impossible. That being said I put my focus on how to best live this life and not necessarily preparing for the next.

Wierd thing is I got into this conversation with The Mouthpiece and Gizzle tonight while riding down I-285 with open containers. I guess this would be a good time to mention that it's 8:49 a.m. when I'm writing this and I'm just getting home. These are probably 2 of the last people I would expect to have a conversation about religion with, because... well, what great theologians have you known to sell used cars? Conversation, eventually turns to the inevitable question "Why are we here?" To which my response is "Honestly, I just think God wants a playmate." I tell 'em if you look at nature, as you progress up, life seems to become friendlier and friendlier (or at least has the capacity to). At this point, we walk into Vegas Nights and proceed to get smashed, so the conversation pretty much was over.

Fast Fwd to a very DRUNK yours truly, sitting in his car, oustide The Mouthpiece's apt. with an empty gas tank and his car will start but keeps quickly cutting off. I manage to get the car about a half mile down the road and the car completely stalls out on me & because it's 6:15 am noone's pickin up there phone. I put on the hazards, grab my gas can & start to troop to the gas station. It's colder than a witches tit in a steel bra, outside. There are snow flurries which in GA is the equivalent to a an arctic snowstorm somewhere else. As I'm walking up the road I'm 1) thankful for my coat, hat & gloves and 2) praying for someone to have mercy upon me and give me a ride to the gas station. I then begin to doubt this request because I figure who would ever be dumb enough to give a 5' 11" 250lbs black man walking down the side of the road a ride this far outside of the metropolitan area. With the popularity of CSI and Law & Order most people believe that Good Samaritan behavior leads to you being abducted and held in a basement with some wierd dude yelling at you, "It puts the lotion on its skin. It does what its told." (Shawn, I promise I will update more frequently.) I'm the only person I know that would pick up strangers on the side of the road. After about a minute of this I shut all these thoughts out of my head and think, "God, It's very cold please just send me some one dumb enough to give my black ass a ride to the gas station."

Less than 5 min later, my Samaritan shows up. She asks me if I need a ride to the gas station. I hop in and we both acknowledge that its pretty dumb for her to be picking up strangers while we're still in single digit a.m. She gives me a ride to the gas station, & back to my car, I put gas & antifreeze in my car. Because the hazard lights had all but ran the battery down (don't ask cuz I dunno either) she even helped me jump my car. When my car srarted, I kissed my hands and raised them to the sky. She invited me to her church and I'm gonna go as soon as I'm done typing this.

This is my sermonette.

I don't know a lot about God. There are a lot of things I don't understand about who or what he is, how to live, how I should behave or the best way to live in harmony with him.

I do know this, though. God loves all of us more that we can ever fathom.

I know this too. God, whatever God is, likes it when we love each other.

I can't prove it but I can't prove the sun is gonna rise tomorrow either I just know it will

So, if you see somebody in need help 'em out. That's it. I promise I'll get back to writing some funny shit soon. Be blessed. - AS

Quotes from the Car Lot $EVEN

After much delay....

I sell used cars. These are excerpts from my life at work

The Mouthpiece: Man, I'm SICK of lying to people!!!
Big LG: Shit, You in the wrong business then son.

I mean, no woman wants to look like a ho in front of her kids. - excerpts from FC III explaining the finer points of properly fuckin someone else's baby mama.

Buyers are liars - Big LG

AS: You're a nig-ger
CA: Hey bro, we all gotta be somethin'

I mean he keeps threatenin me but there's nothin he can do to me. My parents are rich. I'm not here for the money. - The indominable FC III

I'm gonna walk up to her & tell her, "Look, I just wanna fuck ya, I don't care how much it cost." -Courtship Mouthpiece style.

Artzilla: I don't like anything about you!!! You come through here, click clacking in ya boots. You're disrespecting the game!!! You're always late. Readin' books at ya desk. You've got no respect for the game. Frankly, you're pissin me off!!!
AS: Okaaaay. Is there ANYthing I do right?
Artzilla: I mean... you alright with customers 'n shit.

Who needs that Sigma 6 bullshit, anyway?

Cuz opening doors is sooo '95 - One of my customers explaination to me why she HAD to have keyless remote entry on her car.

It's a shame that my entire birthday weekend revolves around tobacco, liquor, marijuana and naked women - AS

I be askin' her "You ain't got no boyfriend, yet?" and she be like "I ain't got time fo no man." So I be like "Ahight, uhh, can you fix this deal, please" - 2kool4skool recounting the recurring conversation he has with a certain employee in the business office.

I just wanna fuck her so bad. Look I tell you what, I'll trade ya. - B Gizzle

A perfect illustration that in the world of a salesman everythings negotiable.

Shiiit, liquor and naked hoes!!! Why wouldn't I be there. - 2kool4skool's informal RSVP to my birthday party at the Tap.

What is this country coming to when a man has to fear being anally raped at work. - FC III

I dunno FC. Sadly, I just don't know

27

I turned 27 yesterday, February 7 2006. It was one of the best birthdays I ever had. I sold 2 cars which I'm very grateful for. One lesson that the car business has firmly solidified is that nothing in this life happens unless The Big Homie signs off on it. Understanding this and knowing the benevolence of God has been a major factor in staving off any homicidal/suicidal urges that can arise from dealing with life's perceived misfortunes. There are very few things that give you the feeling.... the sense of accomplishment....the rush that you get from closing a sale. So to be able to taste that twice in one day... all I know is somebody upstairs really loves me.

Which brings me to the most important reason this was one of the best birthdays ever. I haven't felt such an outpouring of love in a long time. I'm truly blessed to be in the company of such loving and loyal men & women. You all are my greatest joy and my greatest wealth and I love all of you. I'll do my best to live up to the example you all have shown. Know that when MY ship comes in we ALL going sailing. Bahkkah-lahkkah-lahkkah Muhammad Jihad!!!!!

The Age of Aquarius

February is a special month. It's Black History month. It's got Valentine's Day & President's Day. But most importantly (for me) my birthday. Ahhhh, The Aquarius. I didn't really understand what it meant to be an Aquarius until recently. We are the waterbearers. KVT described it best, Aquarii show up, splash everything with water then dissappear. What can I say.... we like it wet. We're good-hearted, wild, overtly sexual, charming, competitive, humanitarian, idealistic, childlike, innocent, but most importantly THE BEST.

So here is a guide to the Aqaurii who you might not have known were Aquarii

Richard Dean Anderson - That's right, bitch. McGyver's a muthafuckin waterbearer. We're resourceful as shit. Put us any predicament and watch the magic unfold. I made less than a $1,000 last month and still managed to buy a house for $10. Aquarii have a penchant for just falling into success.

Tiffany-Amber Thiessen - The baddest white bitch in all of Bayside High. Muthafuckin Kelly Kapowski is an Aquarius.

Tatyana Ali - Ashley Banks, nigga!!!! Aquarius.

Pops - My dad. The nicest guy in the world. He's bailed my ass outta more jams then I can (or care to) count. I shit you not, the man made the down payment for our 1st house with quarters he had saved while working as a skycap at Morehouse. Muthafuckin' quarters.

Eartha Kitt - Like I said Aquarii are highly sexual people. The REAL Catwoman is, of course, an Aquarius

Eddie Van Halen - One of the greatest guitar players of all time? Oh, hell yeah. Jump, Hot for Teacher and the guitar solo in Beat It.

Ellen - The world's most beloved dyke be splashing dat water.

LudaVince/RocaVince - One of my personal heroes, aka Pedro Alvares Cabral (google it). This man is a muthafuckin conquistador. The quintessence of a corporate thug. LudaVince is a muthafuckin character. An inspiration to all men, he embodies some truly great Aquarian qualities. First off, he is an explorer; he travels to Latin America at least 3 times a year. Secondly, like most Aquarii he is oft misunderstood. For instance, he was banned from Brazil by his wife when she found photos from one of his excursions. She just didn't understand that he was at a birthday party and in Brazil, ALL the women are topless at birthday parties. He deserves an award for the mission work he has done in Brazil and I look foward to continuing to carry on his work of service in the years to come. Like all great Aquarians, he is persistant & a great humanitarian. Despite being unjustly banned from Brazil, he continues his mission of philanthropy in such countries as the Dominican Republic and Argentina.

Sabu, Tommy Dreamer, Ken Shamrock, The Big Show, The Honky Tonk Man, & The Million Dollar Man - All Aquarians are innovative at whatever they do. Sabu is the first wrestler I've ever seen put a woman through a table. Tommy Dreamer is the first person I've ever seen drop kick a steel chair into someone's nuts. Shamrock's crazy. Big Show's ...big. The Honky Tonk dressed in a sequence Elvis suit and hit people in the head with a guitar and The Million Dollar Man had a servant named Virgil, choked people out, and then stuffed a $100 bill in their mouth. (A stunt I once recreated in high school except I only had a $1 bill).

Rick James- The King of Funk. THE manwhore of the 80's. Aquarians often have a flair for extravagance. Dave Chappelle biographical reenactment of his life is a perfect illustration of the water bearer's wild side.

Bobby Brown - The muthafucka left his wife in the middle of Utah stranded on a road trip to see the nation. If you want to understand more of the Aquarian wild side, you can watch Being Bobby Brown.

Tom Selleck - That's right. Magnum P.I. , nigga.

Oprah - The Baddest Bitch. If Jesus was a woman, he woulda been Oprah. Oprah said she was never gonna eat another hamburger again and the cattle industry sued her for loss of profits. She picks up a book and it's a fuckin best seller. Aquarii are always extremely popular and influential.

Michael Jordan - The Best Basketball Player Of All Time???? Shiiiiiiit......Jordan.

Morehouse College - Founded in the 2nd week of The Month of Love. If you've read the above and have ever been to MC. You can see it's truly Aquarian nature.

Chris Rock & Chris Farley - The Two Funniest comedians of the 90's display another quality of the hydrators. We're often late-bloomers.

Bob Marley & Garth Brooks - The biggest names in their respective genres of music. Bob Marley had, like many Aquarii have, the dilemma of having too much love to give. He solved this by making beautiful music which has been the soundtrack/inspiration for so many of our young drunk college age white men to hit kegstands and/or bongs to, & having as many children out of wedlock as his short life would allow.

So the next time I go speak at a career day while unemployed, espouse the evils of capitalism while working on my next business plan, discuss my fidelity in my 2 monogamous relationships, get fired from yet another job & explain to my boss, "It's okay I woulda fired me, too." and in general just do some more wild ass shit. Know that it's in part to being born on 2/7/79.