An Apology (to the Girl I Loved With Every Cell in My Body & the Totality of My Soul) for the 3 Years of Psychological & Emotional Russian Roulette...

That We Painfully Endured Together.

Love,

I know you'll never read this. You come across my mind sometimes and I dejectedly think, "If only knew then what I know now." It feels me with sadness to think of the beauty that we chose to fill with so much pain. But If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle. The choices we made are indelibly written & set in the concrete slab of time. We can't put toothpaste back in the tube. We have scared & scarred each other in ways that neither one of us would've consciously chosen.

Maybe, when you told me on that faithful day that, "It would never work"...I shoulda listened.

Perhaps, when you told me to "run for the hills" ... I shoulda ran

but hindsight's 20/15 and sooo....

This is my formal apology to you:

I apologize for expecting you to provide me with the love and acceptance that I need. I understand now that it's my responsibility to provide these things for myself. Seeking these things from you was unfair to you and a trap that lead to too much suffering. You could never provide this to me because only I can provide this to me. I know this now but now is too late. So I apologize.

Why is hindsight 20/15?

I apologize for diminishing myself and the passive-aggressive terrorism I subjected you to. My only responsibility to you was to be unabashedly and unapologetically myself at all times and in that I failed. I robbed you of the experience of me and a lot of the time I just wasn't present in our relationship and for that I was wrong

Why is hindsight's 20/15?

If I learned a lesson from the joy & pain refresher course that was us, it's this: To Thine Own Self Be True.

Acting on the fear that I'd lose you, I lost you. Acting on the fear that I'd abandon you, you experience the abandonment you so dreaded.

You create in your life what you focus on the most.

All of the pain that I used to blame you for, I now realize that I created for myself. I hope that you can realize that the pain you felt, you created for yourself. It's a tough lesson to learn but it's a necessary lesson if you are going to heal.

All I know is that we loved each other the best we knew how and I forgive you and (most imprtantly) myself. God willing one day you'll be able to do the same.

Shoutout To...

PRH, The Diplomat & JC.

When them boyz in town, U know the train's a comin!!!

Photo by Yours Truly

Quotes from the Car Lot EE-leh-ben

Against better judgement & discretion, I now present to you more excerpts from my life at work.

AS: If you had a wish and could pick any ONE thing to have. What would you have?
2kool4skool: Shiiit, PussyFlavoredEdibleMoney

Thuh only thang white Ah eat, is m'girl. - Painky summing up his repulsion for mayonaise, ranch dressing or any other snow colored condiment.

Hey, you're gonna wanna blog this one. A fart is just a prelude to good shit - Knuckles

Love aint nuttin but a lotta like, no way - 2kool4skool

I just want y'all to know, I love workin witchu guys. I know summa yall thaink I'ma asshole but you know what? IIIII dooooon't reeally care. - Excerpts from The Mouthpiece's farewell speech

Africa got summa da most beautiful women in da world. You see 'em walkin down da street and u jus be like, Gaaawd. Now dey feet gon look like dey been attacked by gawddamn tarantulas or some shit but... - Painky

Now, what did I do that had her cumin all ova herself? - Big Daddy Smoov

"Fred Don't Drive Focus!!!" - The Fred's response to one of his "special friends" request to come pick up her Ford Focus from her job and have it detailed. (Zero Fuckin' Tolerance)

Bogue: (sighs) Boy, I tell ya!
AS: Kids, hunh
Bogue: Kids, wife & bills, man
AS: The Holy Trinity,hunh. Let me ask you, If you had to do it all over again(get married) would you.
Bogue: Heeeell No!!!!! If I had to do it all over again? By now, I'd be a millionaire and I'd have a 900 beacon score!!!

Munnay? Munnay, da aesiet thang in da worl 2 get. It aint nuttin but gubment printed paipuh, main. U can work 4 it, beg 4 it, steal or borrow it. -K Streezy on why noone should ever worry about money.

Pussy is pussy. We cant help what it's attached to. - Anonymous

You know what they say about cheaters? Cheaters WIN!!! - The Heathen passing on some sound advice to The Lobbyist on the subject of fidelity.

If a bitch let you toss dat salad.... U gott 'er. U can have dat woman anyway you want her, man. - Anonymous

You didn't see the crane kick? That's it, baby. Da credit's done rolled. It's a wrap. - The Heathen on what you have to tell a nympho when you've given it your all.

Ayyyy, U only get one man in this video game. - 2kool4skoool on living life to the fullest.

THE CASE FOR TRUTH BEING STRANGER THAN FICTION. EXHIBIT D: The Only Bona Fide Miracle I've Experienced in My Life as of 5/14/06 (Unfinished)

As years go, 2004 was one of the most painful I've ever experienced.

As a genius, it's very rare that I give any task more than around 65% of effort/energy/attention. Why? Well
1) most things don't seem interesting enough to elicit more than that
2) mastering most tasks comes to me with ease and I can get away with it
3) I'm intellectualy very selfish. My interests are my interests and having some what of an addictive personality. I like to devote my time and energy fully to subjects that I, Allan R Smith, deem interesting. This quality predisposes me to certain run-ins with authority, as one can imagine
4) As is somewhat typical with the intellectually gifted, I hate the feeling that comes with being wrong. ESPECIALLY, in a public fashion and operating at less than half my potential provides a certain hedge to my self image if I do fuck up.

Well, in 2004 I took on 2 projects that promised to deliver the Brass Ring. For the 1st time in my life, I saw my own personal Holy Graile: Complete Autonmy.

Let me explain. The currency with which all knowledge is purchased with is time. Reading, experimenting, working and reworking ideas, fleshing them out, refining them, applying them requires the expense of an irreplaceble commodity: time. The thing about our modern labor economy that I've always hated is that it requires me to rent MY precious time in exchange for money to buy the resources I needed to live. Time I could be spent loving the one thing that's always perfectly loved me back, I have to (seemingly) spend earning money so I can do such banal tasks as paying for lights, cars, clothes, space all to live a life that sustains me only to earn enough money to pay for such banal tasks as paying for lights, cars, clothes, space all to live a life that sustains me only to earn enough money to pay for such banal tasks as paying for lights, cars, clothes, space all to live a life that sustains me only to earn enough money to .... well you get the picture.

Now, making money has never been something that's been terribly of interest me. I didn't grow up with a lot of it and as child the 3 things that mattered to me feeding my curiosity, the joy of friendship & laughing until I cried had no apparent monetary value. Money was for buying things (comic books, video games etc...). And while things were fun after a while you got bored with them. I also had the privilage(?) of going to one of the nation's oldest and most prestigious boarding schools (read: being around some of the nations oldest and most prestigious money). Being around children who any material object at their beck and call, it didn't take long to see that there is no correlation between having things and having happiness.

Wisdom for Right Now

Acceptance of our fear and pain is freedom from our fear and pain

A Quick Psychological Profile of Used Cars - Big LG

LG - The Boss. Our director. Classic 4 with a 3wing. The phrase that comes to mind is a Mike Jones quote, "I do this shit for cash and not for fame and flash." The man is less interested in fame and glory than money and power. Upon 1st glance, he might seem quiet and laid back but don't let the smooth taste fool you. This Nigga is Candler Rd. to the core. A pinnacle of total dominion. One of the rare individuals that I've seen who gets great ideas AND implements them. He's a great leader and manager and in general, how we are as salesmen are completely colored by his temperment and work ethic in several ways.

1) We all have an underlying belief that for someone to come in our house and buy a car and not have us make a profit is not only completely retarded but fuckin insulting. This is huge because it takes the shame or deceit out of the business. Up front, it's implicitly understood that we are here to eat and that comes first. If a customer, has a problem with that then "Punt, muthafucka." There's a pride he brings to the profession that carries over to the rest of us. We don't take shit and we aren't ordertakers, we're salesman.

2) You treat people good and they'll treat you good. Real simple policy but effective. Used Cars is a real cool place to work. We get along with each other and we get along with our customers. LG, is gonna make money off of you but he's gonna treat you right and this is the same mentality we have on the floor. Customers generally have fun when they're there with us. We shoot people straight and don't sugarcoat shit but at the same time if you need some help we'll do what we can for you.

Working with LG for the most part is cool but being a 4w3 does meen that from time to time he's gonna be on his period. At these times it's just besat to stay out of his way. Usually, it has to do with if we haven't sold any cars or not. When he gets in these moods just look busy. Don't ask him for permission for anything, He's gonna say no by default. It's kinda how you might live with King Kong. The man has an ego. Arguing with him is senseless and will get you nowhere. He is a closer which means that his mentality is "Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. Even when I'm lying it's the truth." To use the rules of rational deduction with the man is an exercise in futility when he's in closer mode. It's better to approach him when he's alone, not working a deal and you or somebody just sold a car. Any public confrontation with the man requires him to prove that he is THE alpha male and your point no matter how valid will be rendered ineffective.