Wisdom for Right Now

Love Life and Let It Love Ya Back

The Very First (& Subsequently Very Last) Sermon of Allan Rudolph Smith (Part 1)

The year is 20xx.

The man known as Allan R Smith, in a very public fashion, received his call to preach at the age of 22 at Community Church of God. In the middle of his parents pastoral appreciation, Rev. McFadden interrupted his sermon and told a young, capricious & insoucient Allan R. Smith that the Lord had told him (Rev. McFadden) to tell him (Allan) that there was a call on his (Allan's) life. He was to be a great preacher. Rev McFadden also went on to tell him that he (Allan) was running from the call but its okay because noone ever wants to be called. Rev. McFadden told Allan (in front of the entire congregation) that God told him that if he delivered this message to him (Allan), he would help him (Rev Mc Fadden) bring his own son back to God.

Upon hearing this Allan, who was sitting in the front row, broke down and cried.

The next day unsure of what to do next. He tackled the issue the way he has tackled every issue he has ever faced in his life: by devouring the subject with his rabid intellect. He read almost anything he could find on the subject of his Christian Faith.

As he begin to delve into the history and precepts of Christianity, he began to see (what he considered) certain logical inconsistencies. Eventually, he came to a very cold and (to put it mildly) unsettling conclusion... there was no God.

In lay terms, this realization FUCKED HIM UP. Acceptance of the thought of being cold and alone in the universe is paralell to playing hopscotch over the squares of insanity, hopelesness, confusion and madness. It's like being lost in the woods and having someone snatch your compass away from you or being dropped in the middle of ocean with nothing but water in sight. It was so frightening, that he didn't share this with anyone for fear of subjecting his loved ones to the same cold madness and sheer horror that he was dealing with.

Slowly but surely though, he began to see that beyond everything he had been taught about God that didn't make any fucking sense whatsoever, that there was something that he could indeed point to and say "You know what, this might be God"

God speaks Dutch to the Dutch and Japanese to Japanese. He is the great communicator; he speaks to us in whatever language we understand. God speaks to the tortured genius in a language he understands too: by orchestating a series of events so subtle, bizarre and mathmatically improbable that the genius has to take notice and say "You know what, this might be God"

"You can't get wet from the word water."

Just as any observant fish cannot deny the ocean, Allan Rudolph Smith could no longer deny the existence of God. God, in his genius, had revealed to him (Allan) that as bright as he (God) had created him (Allan), he (Allan) couldn't comprehend God like some sort of mathematical equation. The stint with atheism was necessary so that he (Allan) would throw everything he learned about God aside and be in a position were he could actually experience God.

And so he grew closer with God. He focused less on what anyone else had to say about the Big Homie and more on what he had observed about him himself. There were times when he walked closer with God and there were times when he wasn't so close. All in all, though he did his best to be a good friend to and student of The Big Homie.

All the while, he never forgot about that nagging call to preach. The question he had though was, "Preach, what?!?! and to who?!?!"

You see, Allan entertained certain vices that he felt no absolutely compulsion to cease. He enjoyed the occasional cigar and shot of tequilla. He was, from time to time, known to enjoy choice selections of adult cinema (particularly the works of Carman Hayes, Vanessa Blue, Kitten, Caramel, and Janet Jacme). Bluntly speaking, he loved to fuck and in some circles he would be considered somewhat of a freak. He also received a strange pleasure from interspersing vulgar language in his everyday speech. And lastly, his love affair with left-handed cigarettes which was one of the experiences that brought him closer to God in the 1st place. If you asked him what his perfect day was, you'd soon find out, in graphic detail, that it involved all his best friends, all of his vices, breakfast at The Beautiful, sushi for lunch, & Houston's for dinner and a beautiful curvaceous choclate girl for dessert after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

He loved life and saw no reason to change. Likewise, he refused to preach because if there's one thing he hated it was a hypocrite particularly when it came to the cloth.

But still he heard the call.

Partially because he figured once he answered, God would know he had called the wrong person & leave him to his happy life and partially because he figured he should answer before he got swallowed by a whale or some shit; he went to his father and told him his ready for his first sermon.

Preach what?.... He would preach the only thing he could: what he knew to be true.

And so that brings us to a somewhat nervous/ somewhat excited Allan R. Smith standing for the 1st time, in front of a congregation which his father pastors, in the church his grandfather founded, ready to deliver a word from God.

And what a word it would be!!!

First of all giving honor to God and the manifestation of his perfect love through his son Christ Jesus

To my church family, Community Church of God, who has seen me dedicated here, has seen me participate in Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, Children's Church, Children's Choir, and just about anything else a young man can participate in being raised in this church

To my friends who have been like family to me, who are probably here as much out of sheer curiosity as for moral support

To my aunts, uncles and cousins whose love, laughter and encouragement are the fertile soil which my spiritual growth is rooted in

To both of my Great Gradmothers, Lizzie Smith and Louise Knowles whose presence we are all blessed to be in

To my deceased grandparents, Ozear and Essie B. Pearson, who I know are looking down on me from heaven with a bowl of popcorn and a pack of cigarettes laughing.

To my Grandmother, the General, Our matriarch, Edna Smith

To my mother The Rev. Felecia Pearson Smith, my first friend, God couldn't have given me a better guide to show me the bliss of his love. My early formative years were your work and I am who I am mostly because of you.

To my grandfather, The Reverend Rudolph Smith, throughtout all my confusion and grappling with this call, your vigilant walk with God and the peace you possess has been a beacon to remind me of benefits of Godly living.

And finally, to my father The Reverend Michael Allan Smith. My pastor, my dad and my friend whose infinite patience, grace, mercy, understanding and love are the model which allow me to so readily understand the perfect love which our heavenly father has for us.

Thank you all for being here to support me as I deliver this, my first sermon.

I'm not going to preach from a text and I'm gonna speak uninhibited and candidly.

To quote the great Queens poets, Mobb Deep.....

"Y'all niggas got it twisted up. That liquor makin' u retarded!"

To be continued....

Quotes from The Car Lot Nueve NIIIGAAA!!!

This is what the people who talk you out of your cash talk about when you're not around.

The Beast: Hey girl, I gotta indecent proposal for you.
Girl: What's that?
The Beast: Now, I aint no balla, but I'll give you a $1000 dollars for one night.
Girl: You gon havta add about a couple zeros behind that baby boy!
The Beast: Okay meet me half way....$1500

AS: Where do you see your self in 5 years
2kool4skool: On a beach, feet kicked up, kickin' it witta BAAAD AAASSS bitch, .... and my son gon be right dere wit me, fuckin her daughter
AS: (laughing histerically) WHAATTT!!!
2kool4skool: Yeah in 5 years He'll be about 16, 17. I'm a find me a bad ass bitch, witta daughter around his age and I'ma be like. Oh y'all goin on vacation, shiiit y'all mightas well come wit us. And we gon go to da beach and he can knock her daughter off

That exchange makes me proud to be raised in the Midwest

The Heathen: Daaaamn!!! I wanna climb her back!!!
The Fred: That's a whole lotta woman, bruh. You're sure you could handle it?
The Heathen: Nothing I couldn't tackle with a grappling hook and a bottle of KY.

"If ya cain't do ya jooooob, git tha fuck up off the boulavahd!!!" - MoneyMakinMitch aka 2old4skool

SHUT the FUCK UP and MIND yo own fuckin business - Big LG admonishes an employee for their inquisitiveness.

OOoohh girl, we ain't gotta mash the gas and the brake at the same time!!! We comin up, baby!!! - Bay area bogue who reminds us all to be grateful for the little things in life.

S. Knuckles: Jesus!!!
AS: Is it thaat bad
S. Knuckles: She's stolen from e'rybody but YOU!

S. Knuckles response to a bogue who's credit was so bad that he balled up the credit app, threw it on the ground, got up from behind his desk and kicked it out of his office.

AS: Any advice on how to deal with a younger woman.
Candler Rd: Fuck 'em hard and then don't call 'em

"Now shit? What did I do that had her comin all over herself?" - Big Daddy Smoov

The Mouthpiece: Cuz, you can trust me.
AS: Yeah, except if it involves money or women
The Mouthpiece: EXACTLY!!!

2kool4skool: Shit, I always wanted to write a book. I'd sell a million copies off the title alone.
AS: What's the title?
2kool4skool: It's called: Why Niggas Ain't Shit but Bitches Still Fuck Wit Us, Anyway.

This fucker's tryin to close muhfuckas wit homoerotic subliminal suggestions. - AS

I'm calling in dead - DH on Hell Week

Showtime (the boss): I need you to get this stuff off the car.
The guy who washes the cars (the guy who washes cars): No Problem.
Showtime: I mean, WHAT!!! I gotta start doin your job too!!!
The guy who washes the cars: WHAT?!?!
Showtime: YOU HEARD ME!!! CLEAN THE GODDAAMN CARS!!!
The guy who washes the cars: NIGGA, FUUCK YOUUUU!!!
Showtime: WHAAAAT?!?!?
The guy who washes the cars: YOU, CLEAN THE GODDAMN CARS!!!
Showtime: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR !!!
The guy who washes the cars: NIGGA, YOU GO GET MY SUPERVISOR!!!

Southwest ATL, too strong!!!

AS: She was cute.
2kool4skool: That don't mean shit to me. Dat bitch cain't buy SHIT.
AS: Shit, it's gotta count for somethin
2kool4skool: Shiit, until my leasing office start accepting payments in cute, it don't mean shit to me.

AS: What happened on the Collins deal?
2old4skool: Collins? The bhhaaanks hhhhate him!!! 1st investuhs said "serious history of delinquency", Weeells said "Insufficient time passed bankruptcy", Cap One didnt give a reason, they just said "heeell 2 da naaaw".

"I'm closin' EVERYBODY!!! I'm closin' old ladies on Sentras. Mexican's on Frontiers. Hoes on dick!!! I'm closin everybody" - The Indominable FC III

"Cuz we'll find someone else to do your job and we won't miss you, baby" - Showtime

Alas, poor Showtime I knew him well

"Cuz this is Used Cars, Biiitch!!!" - The Indominable FCIII