Quotes from the Car Lot Diez (The Resurection Issue)

And on the 3rd day, he arose & got his muthafuckin job back. Let's get to it.

Cuz they don't know me. I'll tie a bitch up like Rick James. - The Beast

Squirt(the new girl): Men just don't look good naked. Anyone other than my fiancee just does nothing for me.
The Mouthpiece: I betcha if ya saw me naked, You'd LUV it.
Squirt: If I saw you naked, I'd be disgusted.
The Mouthpiece: Shiit, If you see me naked, I'm gon piss on u

Let me ask you this, If you can't afford $380 a month, what makes you think you can afford $350 a month? - The Beast closin' a customer who was hellbent on paying $350/month

LG: Waddup, bitch!!!
AS: You seem to be looking at me ... but I know that you're not talking to me because I have never been, nor will ever be, anybody's bitch.
LG: Waddup, muthafucka!!!
AS: Again, You seem to be .... Well? Wait. I have crossed THAT boundary. I, technically, AM a muthafucka. Actually, I enjoyed becoming a muthafucka. It was fantastic. Good Afternoon, Sir!!!

You can't be givin all dese hoes da good dick. A lotta dem neva had dat. They don't know how to handle it. Let me tell ya something. U wanna get ridda a brawd quick? Start givin her some weak ass dick. She'll stop callin - 2kool4skool

FCIII: She's a real sweet girl. The kind you can take home to mama
AS: Yeah, then take home and bomba (bomb her)!!!

AS: How do you know if you've crossed the line?
2kool4skool: That's the thing. You gotta cross the line to know where it is?

LG: Just cremate me, Goddam it.
AS: I'm all 4 cremation, I want part of my ashes spread at Morehouse, part of 'em in Sharon, & part of 'em in Brazil.
LG: I want my ashes spread at The Body Tap*, Goddamit. Cuz even when I'm dead and gone I still wanna to look at dese hoes. Na'am sayin'.

*The Body Tap Triple XXXclusive Nude Emporium is the Strip Club equivalent to like the Guggenheim Musuem or Ceasar's Palace or some other architectural marvel. It has 2 floors, a shower room where you can watch a chick shower, 2 side stages that have floor to ceiling poles that are at least 30 ft. in length, a main stage that you could perform a full gymnastic floor routine on and LOTS of very skilled, bad ass strippers. No words can do the Tap justice. Being there is what it must feel like to be a small child in Willy Wonka's Choclate Factory. Except instead of Candy it's thongs, clear heels, and every assortment of beautiful black woman one could imagine moving in ways that would astound the brightest minds of modern physics. On an average Wednesday, the Tap will go through $80,000 in one dollar bills.

Gotta love Corporate America

U is for Unemployment

Well It's Spring again and in what's seeming to become a vernal tradition I've gotten my black ass fired. My tenure as the resident scribe in used cars has come to an end. I have been repeatedly warned about my tardiness and yesterday Knuckles said that according to his watch I was 1 min late for work. Thus, here I am once again in the season of Resurrection searching for gainful employment.

The biggest difference is that in contrast to years passed, I have an almost Durdenesque acceptance of my termination. My life has always been peppered with rendevous with authority figures. Not in a 2pac/Menace II Society way, more of a Dennis the Menace/Zac Morris mischevious way. The quintessential non-conformist. A non-conformist to the point where I won't make myself conform. If I'd've left 10 min. earlier I would've gotten to work at 11:50 or 11:51 depending on who's watch you're going by. But, as FCIII so eloquently puts it, "If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle." I was almost done with the chapter and I figured I might as well finish it up. These are the consequences of my actions and I'm at peace with them. These situations are far from unexplored territory.

As a child, I stayed in the principal's office. The running joke was that my parents had their own parking space at the school. While this wasn't totally true they were on a 1st name basis with most of the administration at my selected schools of matriculation. A function of the frequency and length of time spent together. I guess it's kinda like how FBI agents and Mob dons develop a certain friendly working relationship after a while. If you're gonna spend this much time together you might as well get along.

My sister has this story about how when she first started kindergarten her teacher pulled her out of the lunch line and introduced her to another teacher. Her kindergarten teacher, then in a way that you might politely speak about a suicide bomber, said, "This is Allan Smith's little sister." To which the the other teacher replied "Ohhhhh, but she looks so sweet."

Briefly, Between K-5, I was in detention too many times to count and suspended from school once and served a few in school suspensions. Halfway, In 5th grade, my parents pulled me outta public school and sent me to a school for gifted children. I did well there for the most part (I was suspended once, though. Why? I don't remember.)

For 8th grade, I switched to Youngstown Chrisitan Academy which might as well been a public school. After the school for the gifted closed I had to find another school. My parents having little faith in the Sharon Public School System to provide me with an education that I couldn't complete between cartoon commercials looked to find a school that challenged me intellectually. This seems to be a prerequisite for me to behave in any environment I'm in. I tested into 9th grade at 11 years old but my parents feared that I wasn't mature only advanced me to the eight grade.

From an academic standpoint the year was a complete fucking waste. At Boardman (the gifted school), I had done Algebra I, close to 2 years of high school Spanish, had studied the entire history of the Roman Empire from Romulus and Remus to the fall of Rome, I had read Oedipus Rex, the Illiad, The Aeneid, several Shakesspeare plays including Antony and Cleopatra, Julius Ceasar, Hamlet & Othello. So going from Boardman to any normal 8th grade class was ...well they might as well have put me in a 4th grade class for that matter.

As is par for me, boredom + comrades = mischief. Before long I was in trouble at YCA and suspended and eventually asked not to comeback.

High School, I went to Reserve, a boarding school. Freshman year for the most part was incident free but then again I was battling depression for a good deal of the year. The next three years saw me rise from minor nuisance to criminal mastermind/public enemy numero uno. Every form of disciplinarian action short of expulsion I received multiple times. Dean's Club, which is basically detention at 6:30 am and later on Dean's Dinner which was detention after dinner became regularly scheduled parts of my academic day . I had so many of these that I would just go for, like, weeks at a time. One day I'd just stop going; the logic being that, "Well, that oughtta cover it." Which (of course) it usually didn't . I'd find this out the next day at Morning Meeting or lunch when either Dean Closen or Ortman would, after reading announcements, say I need to the following students after morning meeting Cesarik, Burke, Nwankwo, both Mo & Chuma, Allan Smith (FUCK!!!), etc... . This meant I had missed a DC, which meant I owed %500 interest (5 more for the one I missed) plus the original principal.

I had Morning Running for failing room inspection. Dish duty, clean-up duty, Sunday detention, writing "I will not do whatever the fuck I did or said again" ad nauseum on the board a la Bart Simpson in the Simpson's intro, I was suspended twice (once for calling Dean Ortman, an alcoholic to his face and inferring that it was the cause of his wife leaving him and once for arguing with the head of cafeteria about an ice cold chicken sandwhich that she wouldn't heat up and wouldn't let me heat up, to which I told her, "Look, if you're too lazy to heat it up, that's fine, but don't stop me from heating it up myself.) I was kicked off the track team 2 years in a row. I've had to work spring breaks. Short of jail & electroshock therapy I've received just about every punative action one can receive by the end of high school.

You know how on Wheel of Fortune, on the final puzzle, contestants picked the same letters so much that eventually they started with these letters as a given ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wheel_of_fortune#1981-current_.22Bonus_Round.22), well that's kinda how it was after a while at Reserve. I knew my name was a given, I didn't know what I did per se, but , oh, it was gonna be called.

Morehouse was different of course because the only thing that mattered was 1) keep your scholarship and 2) graduate on time. During my 1st year at Morehouse, my mother called me up with this revelation, "Allan, you know the other day I was like something's missing. All of sudden it hit me. I turned to your father and said, 'This is the 1st year in 11 years, we ain't gotta caaaaall from a schooooool asking us to come pick you uuuuuup. Ah said, Laawd, Thaink ya Jeesus!"

Grad School was different, battling more depression I got kicked outta my first research group because "I wasn't a good fit". I almost decided to drop out when until the infamous, I. Boxwell told me, "What, You only 1 class away?!? Nigga, finish yo masta's" And so I did.

After graduating from Tech I got hired by Morehouse and fired a year later. I ran my real estate business into the ground. I've been kicked out of a network marketing company for insubordination/mutiny. I took a job delivering wine for a wholesaler and got fired from that 5 months later and now most recently Team Nissan of Lithia Springs.

I used to beat myself up about this. I used to ask what's wrong with me and why can't I just be disciplined or blah blah, or whatever the fuck. But I have come to the realization that I choose these outcomes.

If it was up to my rational conscious mind, I would've finished the Ph. D. program at Tech. I'd probably be either in a post-doc program, or working in someone's lab making 90k a year, but fucking miserable.

or

I'd be working at Morehouse, with more time freedom and making somewhere between 30-40k a year, fulfilled helping young men acheive their dream of going to grad school but feeling like somewhat of a hypocrite promoting higher education as a panacea to life's woes, when I know there's so much more to it than that. Plus the fact I'd be bored outta my mind.

or

I'd be delivering wine for 10-13 bucks/hour, content with exploring and seeing the many derisive effects that capitalism has on the soul of the worker and marvelling at the way that people find joy in what seems to be dead end situations. Enjoying the sense of relief from manual labor, being to be able to at the end of each task exactly what you've accomplished and driving around and seeing the city everyday. But I woulda been broke, with no time to find anything else to do and probably on the verge of doing something I really would've regretted.

or

I'd be up at Team, selling cars which if I'd applied myself could make really good money, maybe move up to management one day and make 8 to 20k a month and never have to worry about money again. But I'd always have the nagging suspicion that I was meant for something more and it'd be at the sacrifice of the time freedom that I so cherish.

The thing is my conscious rational mind (hence CRM), is a mind that can only process what it sees. It doesn't know how to dream yet. It calculates data and processes data and calculates probabilities and tells me what can't be done. My CRM has to know HOW everything has to be done before it will allow itself to dream or want or envision a better life. My CRM's 1st impulse is to seek safety & security ... to stay in port instead of sailing ... to stay in the nest vs flying. It has been programmed to fear. Prefering the "peace" of certainty to the anxiety of uncertainty, it communicates in the language of "it can't happen/ won't happen/ it's impossible" because by believing these things you can be certain that you'll be right. My CRM is afraid and I've developed it to shield me from the thing I hate to feel the most...dissapointment.

However, I'm prepared to face whatever dissapointment's it takes to find my purpose. One thing you eventually learn after enough mistakes is resilliance.

These beliefs maybe at one time served me but I reealize now that in order to truly be fulfilled that I have to stop trying to control everything and let go(d).

What I once saw as a sub-conscious self sabotaging curse I now realize is just me being honest with myself. It's me being honest with myself about what I want out of life and pushing myself to it. I'm still not sure where I'm headed but I'll know soon and I'll see you when I get there - AS
By the way, I highly recommend you go see V is for Vendetta. Great movie with a lot of great lessons!!!

Tools to Insure Sanity

I have developed a "special" tool If I want to pull myself out of bouts with boredom or sadness.

Whenever you want to pull yourself out of a less than desireable emotional state....

Close your eyes....

If you can, clear your mind...

and I want you to imagine....

The Winter....

Special....

Olympics.

I'm dead ass serious.

Put aside the fact that I'm going to hell for this because you are too for laughing, but there is something magical about the combination of retards and handicaps in low friction environment that lifts the human spirit.

Put aside your guilt and just imagine a bunch of retards boblsedding. C'mon, you know that's funny ass shit.

I'll leave you to your own devices now. Experiment with this one though. - AS

P.S. I'd love to hear your comments on scenarios you came up on this one.

Wisdom for Right Now

Analyze Less

Imagine More

Shotgun & Me

These are some of the more salient points from my conversation last night w/ Shotgun one of my best friends from high school.

We are more than just a set of genes trying to propagate itself

Looking at life and realizing the sheer improbability of the simplest of life's phenomena reveals the fact that there is a conscious design to it. There has to be an architect. Life is the mathmatical equivalent to winning the lottery everyday. Everything about life is a miracle.

This conscious design IS life, It is the source of life. (read: God)

Human beings have this same "thing" in them as life itself (i.e. the ability to create, and choose)

If you took a slice of apple pie and put it next to a whole apple pie and ask that slice what it is? Upon looking at the whole it could only say I am apple pie. Likewise, we are a slice of God.

Am I same the person I was 5, 10, 15 years ago? Yes, what's changed is the set of beliefs with which I process/manage/deal with reality (read ego) but I am the same. I've always sought the same answer (truth&love) but have used different belief systems to try and get this answer.

What most people call life is actually just the evolution of their egos or the evolution of how they perceive reality. Mathematically speaking most people go from f(x)=x to f'(x)=(x) to f"(x)=x to f"'(x)=x etc... ad infinitum. Going on and on trying to find different formulas to get to God/Love/Happiness/whateveryouwannacallit.

The ONLY thing that seperates us from god/life/this conscious design is our ego or approximations of life through our belief systems. There is the "I" that seeks God/Love/Happiness and there is the reality of that. What screens us from seeing that is our egos (how we decide to label, interpret, categorize and manage reality).

Hence EGO standing for Edging God Out.

Mathematically speaking if what we truly seek is x (which stands for god/love/the infinite/all there is/I am the great I am) then any f(x) we choose seperates us from god because x=x. (except for identity operators but all it shows is the oneness of god)

We are nerds

Simply put, our egos are the screens that keep us from experiencing our oneness with God

This is the error of modern Cartesian thought (i.e. everything can be logically deduced) Our attempts to model/interpret life keep us from fully experiencing it.

Through quantum physics we know that there is one conscious infinite source that creates all matter/life. So even when you apply Cartesian thought to the questions of life you come back to the same answers that The Great Teachers said thousands of years ago.

(Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess)

This can be summed up as "Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name." God is the source of life.

Just as if you try and describe infinity with numbers you'll always come up short. I.e 1+1 isn't infinity, neither is 1+1+1, neither is 1+1+1+1+1+1+........... (get the picture) Any attempt to describe God with words will ALWAYS come up short.

A realization of these facts may seem sublime or unreal.

The truth of it is, it is the ONLY thing that is real and that our ego constructs of life are what's unreal.

Hence, Minus the Bullshit, Life's Great!!!

Ultimately, then since we are beings of consciousness it is up to us to choose how we experience reality. You're the director of your own film and it's called your life.

The practical implications of this to living are thus:

We are completely responsible for our lives.

Any situation in our life comes about because consciously or unconsciously we chose it to be that way

That our job is to get control of our thoughts/minds.

From a engineering standpoint our emotions serve to tell us how well we're functioning. Happiness = great. Sadness,anger, etc.. = bad

What you focus on is what you feel. So if you're sad, it's because you perceive something that makes you sad. If you want to stop being sad choose to perceive something else.

This is much easier said than done but it is completely possible. It's like driving stick. Just because you don't know how to get into first gear doesn't mean the car won't go into 1st gear. It takes practice. But once you learn how to experience the freedom and control you from being able to shift gears at will you'll never want to go back to driving automatic.

Hence, the saying "my mind is a perfect servant but a lousy master."

Happiness is a choice and our job is to choose happiness. When Buddha was asked what is the way to happiness, he responded "There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way"

The future and pass are illusions. There is only one moment and that is NOW. You can't be back in 1968 or 1996 or 2001 or yesterday or an hour ago.

You can only be HERE, NOW.

Whenever you wake up where are you? HERE!!! When you wake up, it's NOW!!! I'm typing this in Shotgun's room and I'm HERE and it's happening NOW. You cannot escape from the eternal moment that is HERE & NOW.

YOU ARE ALWAYS IN THE HERE AND NOW!!!

THERE IS ONLY ONE TIME AND ONE PLACE, HERE AND NOW

Christ said "Seek ye FIRST, the "Kingdom of God" and all these things will be added to you."

Where is the "Kingdom of God"?

The Kingdom of God isn't in Bangladesh in the year 1243 or in Brooklyn in
1957 or coming to Sharon Pa. in the year 2008.

The "Kingdom of God" can only be HERE, NOW BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!

So If it's already HERE, NOW then how do you know that you've found it?

Well, what does it feel like to be in The Kingdom of God? I imagine it feels good and you'd be happy to be there.

Well that means when you're happy, you must be in the "kingdom of god" So choose to be happy and the rest will take care of itself.

Be in the present moment.

When athletes, great musicians and artists get in the "zone" all that is happening is that there are fully being in the HERE & NOW. They're are one with God and create realities that seem unachievable to the rest of us.

The fact is though we could all do things that would amaze us if we would just be fully PRESENT in the HERE & NOW.

You cant "do" anything to get into that space of being fully PRESENT. The only way there can be described as letting go. It's a place of of complete flow. I'll get there from time to time freestyling. I never know what I'm gonna say until I say it but it always a) better than my written b) on time and c) rhymes & fits perfectly d) is ultra creative. I get there sometimes while writing prose too.

When you're fully in that state EVERYTHING is available to you.

The question is how do you "let go" for good? Complete surrender to the present moment.

It's our expectations and desires that pull us away from being PRESENT

The pharmaceutical industry is built off of supplying us with pills that come about because we aren't fully PRESENT.

Sex on Viagra makes for a fun night

I haven't fucked a chick yet in the ass because I just cant see my dick goin in that itty bitty hole.

Apparently, although it IS difficult to get it in, the payoff is well worth it.

Ladies, Shotgun is currently single and will be in Atlanta until the 7th of April.

KNUCKLES!!!

They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. These are just some of the highlights of the first few days with the recently hired, part paisan, part redneck, gritty, 40+ used car manager whom we affectionately call "The Sandblaster" Sally Knuckles.

So, what is a blog? What is that bullshit log? - Salvatore Knuckles after being informed that he had been quoted on the blog

You think I give a fuck about a bogue? Man, I'm ruthless with a bogue. - Knuckles

Hey, Ipod dude (me), pay attention you're gonna wanna put this one on the blog. Do you know what hope is? Hope is the language of the poor and poor is a state of mind. - S. Knuckles response to a new saleswoman who said she "hopes" to sell a car today.

You can't make chicken salad outta chicken shit - S. Knuckles

That's why I fuck with guns - S. Knuckles response to him being to old to fight

When you don't want to dream, THAT'S when you dream the good dream - Zenmaster Knuckles explains the law of allowing

Women are easy to figure out, man. You can have any woman you want. They're just people. They've got insecurities. Ususally the prettier they are the more insecure they are. It's the intelligent ones you gotta watch out for though, they're the toughest to mount. - Knuckles on dating

Remember this, destiny is not by chance it's by choice - Sal's greatest lesson to date