Quotes from the Car Lot VI

I sell used cars. These are excerpts from my life at work.

Bogue: I want my credit report. I don't want anyone stealing my identity
2kool4skool: Steal yo identity and do what? We can't do nothin with that. We can't make it any worse than it already is.

"You don't know me. Call yo wife. I'll fuck you and yo wife up" - The Count of Candler Rd keeping it trill with a co-worker

"I love you too much to argue with you." - Chainsaw

"Shit, make a nigga wanna go home and drink a fodie on da front poach." - 2kool4skool reminiscing over Dr. Dre's the Chronic.

"You ever seen that movie Karate Kid. Well, from now on you're the Karate Kid. From now on when I tell you to buff the deck, you buff the deck." - Artzilla giving a new inquisitive salesman his employee orientation.

I ain't gettin no pussy, bitch you gettin some dick!!! - 2kool4skool

I TOLD dem muthafuckas I was gonna get a F150. THANK YOU, KATRINA!!!! - Bogue from New Orleans who took his hurricane money and bought a 99 Ford F150 with 199,000 miles

Keys to Sanity 1: The difference between a good day and a shitty one

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and spiritual wickedness in high places. - Paraphrase of Ephesians 6:12

Men are not shaken by things that happen, but by their opinion of things that happen. - Epictetus

We are responsible for the effort, God is responsible for the results. - Unknown


I went into work today determined to sell 4 cars. A lofty goal but shit, as the Great Gretzky once said, "You miss 100% of all shots you don't take." You underdig. The day was looking good. I got to work EARLY which unless you know me you can't truly appreciate the magnitude of this Heraclean feat. Following the maxim of personal responsibility, I had procured 3 appointments because I understand that I am responsible for getting my own customers. I was dressed to kill fully prepared to rip some faces off ( car biz slang for make lots of money). It was 40 degrees and with the wind chill factor it was probably 10-15 degrees colder than that. I didn't give a fuck. I was out on the point (outside on the lot waiting for customers to show up),alone with Ipod in hand bumpin Bilal and Cannibal Ox.

Appointments often don't show and people rarely have the courtesy to call and cancel so I was gonna trap as if I had nothing scheduled. My 10:00 didn't show. Who the fuck cares. Stood out on the point for another 45 min in the cold before the 1st up (customer) showed up. I was on him before anyone else even had a chance. He refused to come inside in the heat and talk. Who the fuck cares. After about 10 min of conversation about him, his wife, his trade-in, his Orange '69 Dodge Charger, and The Dukes of Hazzard, I close him on testdriving a 1998 Black Toyota Sienna XLE with 122 thousand miles on it, priced at $8991. In the test drive, it comes out that he has 9 grand cash. This is a deal. He loves the minivan so we set an appointment for tomorrow at noon when he can come back with his wife.

I get back on the point. 5 min later a couple pulls up in a beat up ass Nissan pick up. Ding, ding, ding!!! For some reason people in beat up ass Japanese pick ups always have bangin credit. This is a greeeaaat up!!! Dude is lookin for a 4 wheel drive Xterra for under 20K and he has his own financing. This is the equivalent to shooting a free throw. He knew exactly what he wanted and already had the money to buy it. All I had to do was find the car. Balance, eye, elbow, followthrough. 4x4 Xterras are tough to find though. We didn't have any but who the fuck cares. We did have a 4 wheel drive Pathfinder w/ 78,ooo miles at our Marietta store. I was all set to take 'em to the Marietta store when they asked to see the black S.E. (Xterra) on the lot. Cool, that saves me about an hour and a half: let's run it. Pulled the S.E. into our service garage and demo'd the shit out of the car. (demo means to display a car to customer and highlight all it's benefits and features.) Take the long test drive route , which hits both the highway and a nice scenic route, to make sure this muthafucka falls in love with the car. When we get back, I go inside and try a trial close. Dude says he really wants something with 4wd after checking wit LG on how he wanted me to handle it, I let him walk.

Lazy hoing don't get paid so I get back on the point. By this time, some of the other salesmen have gotten ups by now. My 12:00 didn't show up but fuck it, who cares!!! Catch another up, a young kid around in a '89 5-speed bronco. He asks if we work with first-time buyers, so I close him on coming inside and pulling his credit in like 2min. This is great because it allows us to cut to the chase and see who's fuckin and who's not... figuratively speaking. Kid is a ghost ( has no credit) but he does have a co-signer. Coincidentally, his birthday is the day after mine. I always get excited to find people have birthdays around mine since growing up it seemed like I was the only kid born in February. Also, Aquariuses are almost always amiable, amicable and affable allies in automoblie acquisitions. (Allan's all about aliteration, AAAAAAYYYY!!!) (I'm a nerd, I know.) Kid tries to find his co-signor meanwhile I try and find him a 4x4, 5-speed, Wrangler for under 10 (grand). Much to my surprise, I found one. I go back and he's still trying to get in touch with his potential co-signor. The Co-signor still isn't pickin up the phone so I let the kid go.

By this time it's 2:30pm and none of my appointments have shown or called. I get on the horn to do some follow-ups. I call my 12:00 first. She's a young girl that goes to my church that is looking for a car. As is the case with most urban negro women under age of 21, her answering machine has some bullshit, saccharine, R&B song as the backdrop. The message was typical of people who have had their own phone line for a relatively short period of time and have no concerns about achieving any real gainful employment. She managed to work the phrase "shawty, chill witcha foak" into the message. The striking contrast of this to the soulful stylings of Joe/Avant/Tyrese/Jaheim or whatever 3rd tier R&B singer it was, created a comic effect that woulda been pure genius if it had not been serious.

A small working glossary of car biz slang

Used car salesmen. We're the scum of the earth. The dredges of society or as The Mouthpiece once said " Dawg, we're the juice at the bottom of the trashcan." We're also the horses that drive this chariot of American free enterprise. We are the true face of capitalism. Our M.O. is predatory deception.

It's not our fault really. We work exclusively on comission which means it's to our benefit to get as much for our product as we can. We get paid a percentage of the profits of every car we sell. This means that if the dealership purchases a car for 10K and I sell it for 11K then I get paid a percentage of 1K profit (that's 11-10 for those of you keeping score at home). So, it's not about how much a car costs to us it's about how much it's been marked up.

Now this isnt a job like most jobs. Most jobs you go to work, you service clients whether they be internal or external, you rent your time for money and go home with a predetermined amount of income at the end of the pay period.

Selling cars is different. Oh, we have clients but our income is based upon how well work with (and work) our clients. To make matters more interesting, every customer we have wants to make sure we make as little money as possible. No matter what the price of the car, people think it's too high. People think they can offer you 12K cash for a 32K dollar car and you'll all of a sudden meet them around back with the keys, take the cash and go to Visions for a 12k dollar heroin party. We had a Suburban on the lot marked at $13,991 and everyone was trying to buy it for around 11K So yesterday we marked it to $11,991 and we had 2 offers on it for for around 9k. Everybody wants to ride big but very few want to pay big.

Needless to say a certain amount of "creativity", as Chainsaw would call it, is inherent in the business. Ultimately, what's a fair price is what you and the customer can agree on as fair. Coming to the agreement can be the hard part though. And this would be all fine and dandy except for the constant threat of eviction and/or repossesion looming in the periphery of each sales transaction. For the customer, it's about finding a car they like that fits their needs and (sometimes) their budget. For us, it's about whether I can pay my car note this month (please God) or if I'm gonna have to pull my ski mask out of my drawer and go "trick or treating" at Emory this weekend.

The sales process is all about control. You can't sell a person you can't control, period. Control isn't about giving orders, although sometimes it does involve giving orders. FC, once had a customer who was going to walk from the table until he yelled, " NO, SIT DOWN!!! WE'RE NOT DONE YET!!!" (I don't know why but one exclamation point is never enough. You never need, like 3 periods or 3 commas...?) But you gotta get people to like you before they trust you and they have to trust you before you can lead them and you HAVE to lead them if you want to sell 'em. Even if you all can do all that THEY have to be able to buy and you have to find a car that they like AND can afford. A lot of people have cocaine plans with weed money. The sheer number of factors that have to align for a sale to happen are astronomical. CA (get well soon, homie. We miss you.), said it best, "Bro, anytime we sell a car, it's a miracle."

So as you can imagine selling cars is a culture all its own and as with any culture we have our own lingo. I've taken the liberty here to define a few choice terms that are part of my everyday lexicon selling used cars.

The Lot: The place where the cars are parked that we sell.

The Floor: Not an actual place but refers to the amount of salespeople on staff.

The Point: The place on the lot where salespeople wait for customers to show up. The point it's not so much a particular place but a strategic vantage point you try to get over other salesmen. Sorta like boxing out in the paint in basketball

Up: The verb form means to greet a customer on the lot and begin the sales process. The noun form refers to a customer that you have just greeted on the lot. So, I up customers on the lot and that person becomes my up.

Blow Out: When a customer leaves before the sale is completed

Blow'em out: To get rid of a customer usually one who can't buy or is wasting time.

Bogues: Pronounced like vogue with a B. Derived from the english word bogus. This terms applies to someone with fucked up credit (600 or below). It's not that we hate bogues. Truthfully they're the lifeblood of our business. But most of the time they are psychologically taxing to deal with. 1) The Big Homie has a wonderfully dark sense of humor. Most of the time it's a struggle to get people to admit they even want a car. So as a salesman, when you meet someone who openly expresses that they want a car, you should be happy, right?

I remember the first time this happened. Ol' girl had to have a car, Too-day!!! She just wanted to be under $400 a month in a 4-door car. I show her this white 02 Altima with 46k miles. I demo the car. She loves it. By the end of the test drive she was "licking the paint." We're walking back to the showroom, both of us, excited as hell. We laughing, joking... having a goood ass time. I get her to fill out a credit app and go take the app to LG. LG put her info into the system, looked at the screen and recoiled in horror

LG: Eeewwwww, She rotten dawg.
AS: Rotten?
LG: She gotta 427 Equifax and 474 Transunion.
Chainsaw: She's a bogue.
AS: Bogue?
Chainsaw: She ain't never paid nobody in her whole life. She ain't even paid attention.
AS: So, what are we gonna do?
LG: She got cash?
AS: Yeah, she's got $500
Chainsaw: Look, you need to blow her out and get you a customer.

This is the problem with bogues from a work standpoint. 1) If you're not careful you could waste a lotta time with them; time you could be spending with someone who could actually buy.
2) You get all excited because you think you gotta lay-up and you find out you got nothing. Meanwhile, everyone else on the floor has upped customers that they end up selling. This psychologically taxing process of hope, excitement, dissapointment, frustration, anger I've since learned to guard myself against. As a rule of thumb, if someone is eager to get a car, I know that statistically the chances of them being in the 500's (if I'm lucky) are almost a lock. The 1st thing I do is get a credit app. This saves both me and the bogue time and me heartache. The only thing that's more frustrating than a bogue who can't buy is a bogue who can buy but doesn't want what they can afford. The term I have coined for this phenomenom is cocaine plans with weed money. First off, the interest rate a bogue is gonna get is going to be AT LEAST 17 percent and that's IF they're lucky. More than likely the rate is gonna be in the low twenties. This means that the can afford about 3/5 the car for the same monthly payment as someone with decent credit. As a black man, the irony of this has not gone unnoticed.

Point being that when they want a car with leather, roof and power seats and they wanna be under $300 a month and I, inevitably, show them to the '02 Taurus/ '99 escort/'00 neon that they can actually afford, 9 times out of 10 they get mad at me, like I was the one NOT paying their bills. The only thing you can do at this point is blow 'em out. Old Man Gates used to kick at their car and scream, "Punt, Muthafucka!!!" as the bogues would drive away.

2kool4skool has a great approach for dealing w/ bogues that I'm gonna adopt, though. He has fun with them. For instance one time a bogue was trying to buy a $30,000 Maxima and be at $300. So after, he pulls the guys credit and sees he's rotten. He gives him a menu that has him at $300/ month for 72 months..... with $20,000 down. Dude gets all upset like "I ain't got $20,000 to put down!!!" To which 2kool replies well that's what it's gonna take to get you at $300 a month. He'll also cuss at them from time to time. The trick is to be completely professional for most of your presentation but if they say something rediculous, cuss at them. I.E:

2kool4skool: The price on this Altima is $21,990
Customer: $21,990?!? I'll give you 14 for it.
2kool4skool: Fuck no!!!

or

Customer: I saw a Maxima down at Town Center for 21.
2kool4skool: Shiiit, you shoulda bought that one.

or

2kool4skool: 9k for an '05 Sentra, No fuckin way.

It's fighting fire with fire or in this case the rediculous with the rediculous. Now, you can't do this with everyone but apparently this technique even works on old women.

How can I ever work anywhere else?

Some of the most ignorant shit I've ever heard in my life... Part 2

The title says it all. The quotes speak for themselves.

Violator: You're so beautiful! I just love the natural look you rockin.
BB: Awwwww, Thank you!
Violator: I mean straight up. You make a nigga wanna give you this natural dick.

Goo: Ma, you don't wanna see King Kong. It's real graphic
Mom: Graphic like what? The monkey have sex with the woman?
AS: Noooo!!!!
Mom: Oh. Cuz I was gonna say I wanna see that.

"Sweet Jones in the house tonight and I'm gon finda bitch & fuck every hole in sight." - excerpts from a Sweet Jones freestyle

"That don't count. It's old pussy. It's only cheatin if you go out and get new pussy." - Malice

2 weeks later....

Malice: That don't count. It's new pussy. It's only cheatin if go back to old pussy.
AS: I thought it was the other way around.
Malice: Weeell, Whatever I'm doin at the time, that's what don't count.

Blood, It's like dis. You either feeeel me or fuuck you. - Rick Jones on why he refused to change what is undoubtedly the worst resume I've ever seen.

AS: Mom, you ever smoked weed before?
Mom: Mmmm?..............yeah.
AS: Did you like it?
Mom: Mmmm?..............yeah. But that was before I met yo daddy and gave my life to the Lawd.

There's hope for us all.

"So, two hours later I had my finger right in the center of her asshole." - CJB Jr.

"C'moooooooooooooooon miscarriage!!!"- AS

A Page Out of the Heathen Saint Bible 2

Today, whatever day it is you read this, I encourage you to go out and FAIL. Just pick something to do and completely fuck it up. I encourage you to go a resturaunt, order something you would never order with the hope that it tastes awful. Pick an insanely beuatiful member of the opposite sex and holla at them. If you end up embarrasing yourself that's all the better. Today, you should make a mistake. You should seriously make an effort to fuck up today. Go do something that you have no idea will work and just watch it all fall apart in your face.

I don't know when some of us (self included) became afraid of failure. I think if children had the mindset of most adults there would be a lot less of us walking right now. It was either, Feuerbach or Hegel, that broke down all progress into 3 parts: Thesis, Antithesis, & Synthesis. I know, explain it like you would explain it to a 2nd grader.

Ok, you have an idea that solves all your problems. This is your thesis. Eventually, you come across a new problem where your idea doesn't work anymore. This is your antithesis. So you then form a new idea that solves your new problem plus all your old problems. This is your synthesis.

This is the process you went through to learn how to walk, talk, ride a bike, swim, add, spell, subtract, read, write, fight, do your taxes, solve a 1-dimensional Schroedinger equation for a harmonic oscillator, not shit your pants in public or any other activity you can do.

You tried. You failed. You tried again. You, probably, failed again. And then one day you got it right. This is how life seems to work.

So, if you don't fuck up, it won't get better.

Remember that next time you want something but are scared to go after it.

A page Out of the Heathen Saint Bible 1

I find that the truth can always be expressed simply. Here are some words of wisdom that I strive to live by.

There are only two type of people in this world. There are balloons and there are weights. Balloons lift you up. Weights pull you down. Surround yourself with balloons. Stay away from weights. -KVT

The only thing I would add to this is that spotting weights and balloons is not always as easy as we think. I have had some people whom I absolutely adored that I realized where weights. Likewise, I have had some people who I didn't get along with who where balloons. I have had people who where balloons become weights and people who were weights become balloons. It boils down to is this person supporting my growth right now.

I believe every relationship you have is like an investment in your portfolio. Some relationships will greatly enrich you. Others will fuck around and bankrupt you. But positive or negative all relationships yield a return.

My advice to you (& me) is to choose wisely where & how you invest your time & energy with people.

It wasn't funny but it's worth sharing

Quotes from the Car Lot V

I sell used cars. Here are some excerpts from my life at work.

I gotta bad memory and I can't spell but other than that I'm your guy. - B Gizzle

My daughter hit me with "Daddy, this isn't an Ipod." I said you li'l hussie. I woulda called her a bitch but that's my daughter. Na'am sayin. - Big LG

Ain't dat some shit. He on crutches, dey got an ugly ass dog, and there kid looks retarded. - AS

Be nice? I ain't even nice to yo ass. What the fuck I'mon be nice to him fo? - The Mouthpiece to the love of his life.

Shit, if it was easy, everybody'd be doin it. You can't make 50, 60 grand a year flippin burgers.
- Chainsaw on the car game

You know what my daughter would tell me if I came home and told her I quit. She'd say, "Muthafucka, you betta getta job!!!" - Big LG on the importance of gainful employment in his household.

The Mouthpiece: That's crazy, two deaf parents. Huh, how do you think they met?
AS: I dunno. Probably at Def Comedy Jam.

Hey, You wanna ride in class? Put your ass in fiberglaaasss!!! - Gilly Gil on why since 1974 the only thing rides is Corvettes.

2kool4skool: I tell you what's bumpin. Dat Dru Hill's greatest hits, Shiiiiit, I fucked aaaaall night to dat shit. I was straight up tryna make a baby to dat muhfucka.
AS: Don't you already gotta son?
2kool4skool: Dat's what I'm sayin!!! I had to turn dat shit off. He was bout to gitta li'l brotha.

Well, I figure my Spanish is better than their English. So we'll just meet somewhere in the middle. - AS

Shiiiiit, when you chillin wit the Romans, do as the Romans say, not as they do. - Big LG layin down the law of Corporate America.

OH SHIT!!!! IT'S 0 SIX

One of the few vestiges of my very religious upbringing that I still give any countenance to is Watchnight Service. Watchnight Service dates back to slavery times when slaves would bring in the new year together in church... or something like that. To be honest, I don't quite remember but it's one of the few days of the year you're guaranteed to find my ass in church. Yup, I'm gon bring in the new year with "The Lawd". Now, I know that the "Lawd" is omnipresent and that by the modus ponens (If P then Q; P therefore Q) I technically can't bring in the new year w/o "The Lawd". Unfortunately, The Revs. Michael & Felecia Smith (my parents) could give a fuck about modus ponens, modus tollens, or any other logical argument I could construct concerning the omnipresence of God. All that matters is that their son better give "The Lawd" the respect he's due and enter the new year in praise and worship. So I go to Watchnight every year as much as out of respect for tradition as I do to bring in the new year with my family and assuage my parent's fears that I am a completely godless heathen speeding in the HOV lane to hell.

After service, I'm outside when my Cousin Billy or Herman or one of the sons of my grandfather's 12 brothers & sisters that I never talk to, proceeds to lay out an assortment of hood pyrotechnics in the bed of what looks like the first F150 ever made. These were small scale fireworks. Wouldn't surprise me if they were home made. When he set them off it was apparent that they were more fire than works. They looked like someone had connected jumper cables to the wrong terminals of a car battery. One of the explosives actually looked like an old car battery that he had set on fire.

This didn't stop a few of the younger kids at the church from marvelling at the display, though. As he continued to string together his homemade fireworks show the kids jumped up and down with excitement and delight. Did they care that the shit looked like an E & M (Electricty & Magnetism) lab gone horribly wrong? Not in the least. All they saw was sparks coming from objects out the back of a beat up truck and that's all they needed to be ecstatic.

It reminded me of the title of this blog. I know so many times I get caught up in focusing on the proverbial bullshit that I forget how great life is. Life, this ocean that we all swim in, is such a beuatiful thing. Life is beuatiful whether you know it or not is something I tell myself to remind me of this fact when it seems like the shit won't stop hitting the fan. Most matters in life are more about perception than anything and since my perception of events is the thing most in my control, I figured out I better figure out the what the beauty is in any situation. I encourage you all to practice this as it will keep you from killing yourself and/or others when times get tough.

But at that particular moment, I had to stop & thank the Big Homie. In the heart of the hood, surrounded by the sound of distant and not so distant gunshots, I was allowed to see this moment of beauty to start off my new year. I just felt grateful to be alive in the "ocean".

Please take time as often as you can to observe the beauty of life this year.

Happy New Year. - AS