Writing

It wasn't until I started writing this Blog that I even realized that I had a penchant for writing.

 Most of my life I have avoided writing. For as long as I can remember, I've had continuous reinforcement that I'm not good at writing.  Whether it be penmanship, penmanship lessons, criticism of how I hold my pencil/pen, shitty ass journal assignments, shitty paper assignments about books that I didn't care about or understand, Junior writing exams (which encompassed all of the aforementioned), Lab reports, or grad school lit reviews. My experiences with writing have been painful.

This blog is first place I have found my voice as a writer. It is my  first taste of the joy of the written word. 

At this point in my life, what's coming up for me is the need to express myself freely, so i'm returning to writing

The written word, as a medium, is unmatched for the ability to flesh out and refine thought. Right now miss that like the dessert misses the rain (Yes, I just quoted Everything but The Girl).

So we'll see what happens but I think ultimately I could end up saving the other half of my life.

Untitled....

It's been too long.  This blog us to be about personal expression and somewhere on the way I lost that but let's just see what happens when we allow ourselves to be.

Maybe...

it's about self acceptance not self perfection.

It's all for...

The yoga, the meditation, the pranayama, the sadhanna is to be able to breathe into the fear, the guilt, the shame so that I may honestly face life instead of running away.

The bashrika, anuloma viloma, breath of fire is to be able to create a space to see how my life can be greater than calculations of my mathematical mind.

The seeking, the searching, the sitting, the waiting is for the experience of the mother...the transformation into the father...so that I may surrender at her feet and know....

The guru....to take those things from me with which I hurt myself but refuse to surrender.

The guru... to love me and allow me to know love.

The guru... I don't know but I trust...even with my doubts I trust

and Swami...to teach me, to hold me accountable, to guide me

so that I may stop bullshitting myself

so that I may stop selling myself short

so that I may know the true meaning of salvation

so that I can love with all my heart

so that I may consume the fear and darkness

so that I can serve and share with others in ways that bring me the greatest joy.

and as noble as that might sound

it's still all I,I,I,I and me, me, me, me

so I know that there's so much more work to be done.

Namaste

The fear

My greatest fear is that I'll never break free of the same bullshit.

That I'll be stuck in my same self-sabotaging habits that prevent me from accomplishing anything of worth.

Academically, I know that my habits are my habits because they work for and I benefit from them.

I'm worried because I'm not getting excited about goals in my life.

Really the only time I get excited is when I look in baby's face.

But it seems I've repressed all desire.

Great way to avoid pain but unfortunately also a great way to avoid pleasure.

I seek a hire mode of functioning. A solution to this emotional rubix cube.

Fuuuuuuck!!!!

I'm almost 30. I've achieved little of what I've set out to as a youth. I have no million dollars. I have no answers to the secrets of life. I do have my dream girl... kinda. Often times I feel a little dissapointed in what I haven't done.

I haven't sold a million albums. I haven't sold one. I'm afraid to.

I don't want the rejection. The thought of it hurts too much to push forward.

I know it's all bullshit (academically, at least) but it feels so real.

I know I'm wining right now but damn it!!! It feels good to wine sometime.

Being an adult is NOT as cool as I'd thought'd be as a kid.

It fucking sucks... well...sometimes.

The cost of freedom apparently IS responsiblity. Who knew Dear Ol' Dad was right.

But fuck...sometimes it's sooooo hard.

I know it could be a looooott worse.

It could be much worse. It could be life sans dream girl

but the truth about life lately is sometimes I'm just not enjoying it.

It seems there are less and less fun days.

Does growing up mean saying goodbye to the fun days? (Fuck that Shit)

If so, I can see why I held out why I held it off for so long.

But if I look closely I know that even the fun days weren't so fun.

The craziest thing is that I am a much happier and healthier person than I was before.

I'm in the great fuckin shape. I'm smarter, more honest, wiser, more patient, more confident, stronger, smoother, sexier than I've ever been. Through my persistence I have made myself a much better man.

Hell, the fact that I even consider myself a man at all is a huge fuckin' accomplishment.

I've grown a looooot but I'm still disappointed by the lack of fruit I've produced. I have no Mona Lisa, I have no Schroedinger's Cat.

All I am is the poorly applied advice of great men and a collection of intersesting facts.

And even as I write this is still impressed by my own brilliance.

Because the fact is My biggest pain is that I feel like I'm the shit and I'm afraid that you won't agree. It breaks my heart when you don't.

So instead of opening my heart and my world to you, I close myself off to avoid the pain, perceived though it may be.

But closing yourself off to pain means closing yourself off to pleasure too.

And the fun days can only be felt with the open heart.

So If there is a GOD out there here now my only prayer.

Father, Give me the strength to endure whatever pain I can with an open heart. If the pain must come then let me embrace it's painful spikes with an open heart.

Because if the price is not feeling the fun days, I'm not willing to pay that cost.

Kids Teaching Kids

In the latest chapter of my own personal Oddesey, I am employed as a middle school math teacher. My entire family is very excited about this. Mom, especially. At some point, just about everyone in my family has been a teacher in some capacity and well I guess the proverbial apple doesn't fall far from the proverbial tree or orchard for that matter.

So, How do I feel?

Honestly, I love it. I really get off on it for some reason. Today, I taught my students about Venn Diagrams http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venn_diagrams using the collective works of Li'l Wayne, Baby and Mannie Fresh as my sets http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cash_Money_Records.

The getting up part is still kinda wierd though being that I haven't worked a job in about 9 months and the schedule I kept before I usually got up about 10am and went to bed about 3am. Needless to say this whole 6am thing has been kickin my ass.

The other strange thing is being a disciplinarian. I'm used to breakiing the rules not enforcing them. It's almost some sort of strange episode of Quantum Leap to be confronted with my own pateneted passive-aggressive class clown behavior. I don't know how to respond to it. My parents would beat me but obviously I can't beat the kids nor do I think I'd want to.

Did I mention that there a shit load of hot teachers that work here and I think the spanish teacher has a crush on me? Muy interesante y si ella no tenga cuidado ella va a tomarlo.

All in all it's an exciting new step in the series of reactions whose product is the man called Allan R. Smith.

Wisdom for Right Now

We have all the faith we need to do whatever we want to do. It's up to us to put it in the right place.